To ask you your best corny joke for National Tell A Joke Day?

[SabineUndine]

Bring 'em on!

A 'Two Ronnies news' style joke for yous.

"A Coventry man has been detained in a psychiatric hospital after he complained to his doctor that he thought he was an armchair. Hospital staff have described his condition as 'comfortable'. "

What's a cat's favourite breakfast?
Mice krispies

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
No cow's moo

A teet owl!

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.

Why did the one handed lady cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together sir!

How do you know when elephants have been making love in your Kitchen?

Your bin liner is missing

Why do divers fall backwards out of boats? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name.

Because If he didn't his name would be. Ewar Woowar

What's a wok?

It's what you throw at a wabbit when your wifle won't work.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny

Did you know you can't run in campsites?

You can only ran... it's past tents/(tense).

Half of these have probably been said already now but:

What do you call a man stuck in a hole? Doug.
What's the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
What does a dentist have with his fish and chips? Tartar sauce!
What bow cannot be tied? A rainbow.
Did you hear the joke about the bed? It hasn't been made yet.
Why can't owls mate in the rain? Because it's too wet to woo.
Why did the man have three hens on his head? Because he was cold and needed three layers.

Why did the computer jump into the sea? Because he wanted to be a Dell rolling in the deep.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

Three people were in a plane. The pilot had a heart attack and died, so the plane would sooner or later crash. There were four passengers, but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said: "I am Prince William, my children and wife need me, I can't afford to die." He took his parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger said: "I am Donald Trump, the US president. America needs me, so I can't afford to die." He took his parachute and left the plane.
The third passenger, an old man, said to the fourth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy: "Young man, I am old and I don't have many years left. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can't afford to die. Go ahead and take the third parachute."
The schoolboy said: "That's OK, sir. There's still two parachutes left. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

What do you call a really tough aardvark? A well aardvark!

What do you call a lazy crayfish?

A Slobster

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he didn't peel very well.

What did the policeman say to his chest?
Your under a vest!

Why are cooks mean?
Because they beat eggs and batter fish.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs that swims the channel?

Clever dick

Why did Tiger put his head down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Three flies on a bum, which one was on drugs?
The one on the crack!

Man walks into Drs appointment and complains of a strawberry stuck up his bum. The Dr replies, "I've got some cream for that."

What's red and invisible?
No Tomatoes

What's grey, has four legs And flies?
A dead elephant

What's yellow and points north?
A magnetic banana

What's purple and dangerous?
An electric plum

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
Depends on how thinly you slice them.

A bloke goes to the Doctor's surgery complaining of persistent headaches.

The Doctor tell him 'I'm very sorry Mr Smith, you are going to have to stop masturbating'

• Why's that Doctor?

Because it is very rude when I'm trying to your blood pressure.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

(Works better when said aloud, and my all time favourite cheesy joke)

Dolly. I will challenge your cheese joke... What's the best cheese to hide a horse in?
Mascarpone! (Sound it out!!)