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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and re-considering a life decision after something my mum said

22 replies

Frogandbear · 16/08/2017 16:25

My cousin is expecting her third child - her first child has autism, her DS2 doesn't. I was talking to my mum at the weekend and she bought up how my cousin's DS1 had a lot of issues and she thinks my cousin has been selfish in wanting another child - i.e. she won't have as much time for him when the new baby arrives.

I feel really upset at this statement because my DS1 also has autism (although he is very easy-going) and DH and I were planning on trying for another baby later this year (she doesn't know this). Now I feel silly and selfish for wanting another child and it has made me doubt our decision to try for another SadBlush

The irony is that my mum had a child with SEN and then went on to have me and my sister Confused

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 16/08/2017 16:27

It's none of your mums business in either case. Don't let her deprive your child of a sibling!

Fabellini · 16/08/2017 16:31

Turn her argument on its head - if your ds remains an only child, then who is going to look after him once you're gone?
Obviously that is no more of a reason to have another child than her reason not to....

BastardGoDarkly · 16/08/2017 16:31

Don't be daft, you know you'd be ok i presume? Who cares what she thinks?

Original poster
Frogandbear · 16/08/2017 16:38

I know that it's none of her business but I feel like both sets of grandparents attitudes have changed in regard to more grandchildren after DS1 was diagnosed. When him and his twin brother were babies, they used to talk about more children all the time - now they never do - either assuming we don't want any more or that we shouldn't Sad

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 16/08/2017 16:43

Talk to your Mum some more.
If her opinion, based on her own experience, is that having a 3rd DC when the eldest has SEN, means that you can't give as much attention to any of the DC as you'd like, I don';t see how that is unreasonable. Maybe she'd expressed herself poorly, but it sounds like she has some experience.
As far as your own situation is concerned, it sounds like you've thought it through, and that you have a good idea of the demands on your time. You can listen to other people's opinions, and then form your own based on all the information available, and I would have thought that the more info you have from your Mum, and others who've been through similar, the more thought- through your final decision will be. You don't have to justify your decision to your Mum, but you do have to justify your decision to yourself.
Your Mum might be able to tell you exactly why she has made the comments about your cousin, maybe she really struggled herself, maybe there are things that with hindsight, she would do differently. Talk to her, find out what she meant, and then make your own choices.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 16/08/2017 16:59

From my personal perspective, had I known that DD1 would go on to be diagnosed with ADHD and ASD, we wouldn't have had any more children. She's 9 now and SUCH hard work, she constantly corrects and shouts at and controls her younger siblings then gets very very stressed and violent with them when they won't do what she wants. I feel their childhoods are made worse by her and vice versa.

Hidingtonothing · 16/08/2017 17:01

OP this is your life and your decision and, hard though it is, I think you just have try not to care what they think. Unless you're relying heavily on them for help (which it doesn't sound like you are) it really is none of their business.

With regard to your mum I would tackle it now before she makes any further comments and (probably unintentionally) causes more hurt. I would tell her that you're maybe planning another and that her comment upset you. Make it clear that it's a decision you and DH will be making without anyone else's opinion being necessary or welcome. I wouldn't want to be discussing it beyond that, she needs to know her opinion has (understandably) offended you and keep it to herself in future.

Don't let what's been said affect your decision, this is about you, DH and your DC, no one else. I'm struggling to even address the change in GP's attitude after DS was diagnosed so am just going to send you a hug instead, families suck sometimes Flowers

PinkHeart5911 · 16/08/2017 17:04

Well I'm sure you and your dh talked about it and how you would manage your dd and still give her all that she needs along with a new baby didn't you? And you decided to go ahead you obviously thought it was all manageable and wouldn't effect your dd too much.

I think this is something people will always have opinions on but they don't know what your dd is like, what she requires from you or how you and your dh cope.

Ignore your mother and do what's best for you

Is it possible your mother struggled with having a Sen child and 2 others and she just doesn't want to see you struggle too?

tinytemper66 · 16/08/2017 17:05

I have a son who is now 30 who has Cerebral Palsy and moderate learning difficulties. I have gone on to have another son who is now 21 and he is fine. Hoping to join the forces soon. No one told me not to have another one. It is your choice and your husbands, no one elses.

mummmy2017 · 16/08/2017 17:19

Maybe this really is just about your Cousin and her children,
You said the 1st child has lots of issue , and these may not have shown up till the 2nd child arrived. Your mum may just mean that the 2nd child has not had as much attention and adding a 3rd to the mix means there is even less of the mum to spread around.
If your DC is an easy child to look after that makes your situation total different.

cestlavielife · 16/08/2017 17:21

have as many children as you want
i have 3 oldest ds ASD SLD etc
oldest dd has some health issues but no cognitive issues
next dd has no issues so far!

your future dc well they or may not have ASD or other issues (if you and cousin have DC with ASd have you considered seeing genetics counselor? just for information and maybe some clues as to genetic causes?information is power.

if you have as good a chance as anyone of some typical DC then why not?
two siblings who can sympathize over having a disabled sibling can be a good thing. though of course you could end up with 3 dc with ASD or even other completely different issues.

you and your dh know whether it s worth the risk or not.

cestlavielife · 16/08/2017 17:22

and there are (admittedly often foster carer/adoptive ) families who have tonnes of children all with different SEN. they manage...

DonkeyOil · 16/08/2017 17:26

Not particularly relevant to your question, but just for clarification, you have two children - twins - at the moment, one of whom has been diagnosed with autism? How old are they?

reportPost · 16/08/2017 17:29

Your Mum is absolutely right though. Anyone with a second child needs to divide their time between the two. Some children (like those with autism) may demand more of your attention and may react badly when a sibling arrives.

Of course, siblings / multiple children bring benefits too and whilst time is divisible, love isn't.

Your Mum has direct experience and isn't being unreasonable for voicing her opinion but the decision is yours.

Original poster
Frogandbear · 16/08/2017 17:42

Donkey, they are six, and yes only one of them has autism.

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 16/08/2017 17:43

Your mum probably means well however clumsily she said it. She might be trying to spare your feelings thinking that you had decided against more children or maybe she is just musing on her own experience.
My ds (fourth child) has autism,he might have been our last child anyway but he was horrendous and so we made a deliberate decision that he would be our last.
When he was almost 8 I unexpectedly double contraception failure fell pregnant.I was devastated tbh and cried every day of my pregnancy as ds had extreme challenging behaviour,wasstill in nappies and had limited speech.
Dd was born soon after ds's birthday and she was like a beacon of light in our family. Ds learned so much from having her here. He toilet trained,he learned to talk and share and play with dd and he stopped the aggression and violence.We all have scars,some have had stitches and chipped bones from injuries inflicted before he was eight but he has never so much as raised his voice to dd much less be anything other than gentle. It almost didn't matter so much that dd has autism too.
It might not have been planned and I'm sure most were shocked but giving ds a younger sibling was the best mistake I ever made tbh.

Scrumptiousbears · 16/08/2017 17:43

Not that I agree with your mum but maybe in hindsight she's talking from experience.

IHeartDodo · 16/08/2017 17:46

Well she's not being totally unreasonable, we knew a family with 3 children where the second had serious disabilities (Prader-Willi), and the youngest child always seemed very unhappy and never got much attention.

Urubu · 16/08/2017 19:07

A friend of mine had triplets, two with severe SN, when they were 5 she had another baby. I don't think she is selfish at all, I am only impressed and amazed at how dedicated to her DC she is Smile
Just saying, your family shouldn't necessarily be small because one DC has SN.

DonkeyOil · 16/08/2017 19:13

Ah, your dt aren't 'little' any more, which is what I thought might have been a bit stressful with a new born, like it can be in any family! Fwiw I think you should go for it, and not pay any mind at all to Mil. Absolutely don't feel silly and selfish for wanting another child. You'll all love the new baby, and won't be able to imagine your family without him/her once they arrive. Your dt are old enough not to be jealous, and will probably dote on their new sibling. Best wishes! Flowers

DonkeyOil · 16/08/2017 19:15

Sorry, just noticed it's your Mum, not Mil Blush Why did I assume Mil on MN, I wonder!

helpfulperson · 16/08/2017 20:08

I think it depends on the level of SEN of the older child. There have been many people on here talking about the difficulties of having a childhood dominated by a sibling with high care needs and violent outbursts or the need to walk on eggshells to avoid violence. Be honest about what impact your DS1's needs would have on any future children and then make your choice.

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