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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only want my children at my wedding

71 replies

KH369 · 16/08/2017 16:25

I got engaged a few months ago and started doing a bit of planning with my mum, mainly the guest list. If it were down to her I'd have my great Aunty something whom I've never met there! I want a small event, because well I'm not a people person even with people I know so I'm 99% positive that I'll already be annoyed with everyone before Ive even walked down the aisle. So I definitely don't want children there (except my own, because I love them) the problem is that his brothers/sisters all have Young babies/children similar age to my son who's 2 so how can I exclude my sons cousins without getting black lash? I know I sound harsh but my partner and his brother don't get on great anyway and I don't particularly like his brothers wife either so in an ideal world they just wouldn't be invited so I wouldn't have to worry about their spoilt daughter having a tantrum in the middle of my ceremony. My mother also pointed out that it is tradition (at least in our family) to have the youngest females as bridemaids, so again don't want their daughter at wedding definitely don't want her in it.
I must sound like a right cow but I have my reasons, twisted as they may be! But AIBU to exclude all children but my own or should I just embrace that it's my day and I can do as I please? My partner is in agreement with me on this topic even though it is just his nieces and newphew we would be excluding as there are no children apart from mine on my side of the family. To him it's either exclude children or exclude all family and just grab a couple mates for witnesses!

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 16/08/2017 16:26

Do what you want. You don't like them anyway so who cares what they think about it?

EssentialHummus · 16/08/2017 16:27

It's your wedding, have who you want there.

2014newme · 16/08/2017 16:27

Exclude them then. Can't see problem

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 16:28

I dont see the issue.

Just dont invite kids. If there is a back lash, tough.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 16/08/2017 16:46

OP, you say no.

It is your wedding, fuck everyone else.

If they challenge it keep repeating : 'we don't have the numbers/can't afford it. We understand if you can't make it'

If they come, wonderful, if they don't because of it, even better because you know where you stand.

In regard to it being tradition in your family, it's only tradition because that's how your relatives wanted their wedding. You are within your own right to decline.

2littlemoos · 16/08/2017 16:46

Could be fun for your son to have his cousins there (do they see each other often)?

But at the end of the day it's your wedding so your choice. If you aren't worried about backlash then don't worry

Spikeyball · 16/08/2017 16:49

It's your wedding so invite who you want but yes I think there may be a backlash unless your guest numbers are very small.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2017 16:53

If the person you choose to help plan your wedding, in this case your mother, tries to change your plans, ditch. She should be helping you have the day that you and your fiancé want. Don't worry about other people's wishes. It's your wedding, so have it exactly how you want it.

lalalalyra · 16/08/2017 16:54

Does your partner agree? If so you just have a 'no kids under x age except those in the bridal party' and that means only yours.

PodgeBod · 16/08/2017 16:58

I think you are bu it's not like there are dozens of children to accommodate, only your nieces and nephews and presumably it would be nice for your kids to have them there. Ultimately it's between you and the groom but if my kids couldn't go to my brothers wedding (and it's not even a child free wedding) I would be royally pissed off.

minipie · 16/08/2017 16:59

IMO this is fine.

What tends to get backs up is to say no kids but then make an exception for one mate's children. But it's perfectly ok to make an exception for your own children.

ZenNudist · 16/08/2017 17:09

I was going to say your dh to be has family and you should accept them not exclude them. Particularly as you are talking about 2 family members (nephews/neices) who would often be excluded from a blanket 'no children' rule. Usually siblings are a necessary invite to a wedding and their partners and kids come with.

Then you say your dh is fine excluding them. So you have a broadly consistent policy as the blanket 'no children' rule NEVER applies to your own dc. Mind you, its not like it really matters except to get the token 'you were there' photo for posterity. Your ds wont remember it. But its nice to help him understand.

Are you sure you aren't bullying your DH into it? Strikes me it's all very well saying your day your rules but if you are inviting the rest of your family and his family then one or 2 children isn't going to make a great deal of difference.

Original poster
KH369 · 16/08/2017 17:09

Thanks guys, it's not just family kids it's friends kids too but family was the main concern. Will use the 'can't afford' routine

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 16/08/2017 17:12

Balls to traditions that don't fit with your lifestyle and choices. It's your wedding day no one else's- other than your partners obv.

You don't have to invite any children but your own and that is pretty normal now with weddings

Boulshired · 16/08/2017 17:19

With or without the wedding it doesn't sound like they are going to be much in your family life especially your views on your soon to be niece. My only concern would be is your partner happy with this or happy to please you as it will be him dealing with any difficulties that arise. I would not make excuses if you want a child free wedding have one, that is fine.

blackteasplease · 16/08/2017 17:21

I think do what you want but I also wonder if your son would enjoy havjng his cousins there.

LivLemler · 16/08/2017 18:04

I'm all for not inviting friends' children, cousins etc, but I do think that nieces and nephews should be invited in the norm. Only you know your family, but this would cause a row in many. Also consider your PILs - I adore mine and they would've been devastated if we hadn't invited their grandchildren.

Beelzebop · 16/08/2017 18:18

It's your wedding! You need to be really firm and polite. I would practice my explanation paragraph ready as it may well cause grief.

I had the opposite tbh, hundreds of kids but that's us and we did not have to worry so much about numbers up to a certain point - big church and social club with buffet. However, when I started doing our wedding list it was clear that kids added a third onto our numbers so if we had had to count heads it would've been tricky!
Anyway, my neighbours did it this way. Their son was the only child and they were very strict, had a lovely wedding but caused a bit of grumbling. Poor boy was lonely. You won't have that problem though if you have more than one child.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 16/08/2017 19:04

I can see your point and understand, I would only consider how you want your family to be in the future and do your best to model this behaviour.

What I mean is, how would you feel if your children felt this way about each other in the future and if your siblings have weddings / children in the future, how would you feel if your DC's were excluded? Do you think family and cousins are important, do you want to have a relationship with them in the future even if you don't get on well now, things might change in the future.

Only you know your family and I am sure you will make the best decision for your family.

Amelle · 16/08/2017 19:09

It's your wedding so it's up to you but it might be dull for your son if he has no one there his age

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 19:11

Why don't you elope?
You don't like people
You only want DS there

Take his parents your parents and DS to somewhere quiete and get married - job done

Rock up sign the papers -

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/08/2017 19:19

Your wedding your choice, but. Don't throw your rattle out of your pram if all those with children don't turn up.
Your wedding is not more important to them than their. Like you love your children. They're the same with theirs, I don't doubt.

Leeds2 · 16/08/2017 19:30

Your wedding, your rules. I don't think it is unreasonable to have a no children wedding, but your own children are there.
I wouldn't though use cost as an excuse, as your BIL/SIL/PIL may offer to pay for the children's meals, and back you into a corner.
If it were my wedding, I would have them there. Your friends with DC cannot object that their children haven't been invited if only close family children are there.

SaS2014 · 16/08/2017 19:55

It's your wedding. Embrace the phase my day my choice (Well 'our' but as your fiance agrees it's all good!)
Of course you will have your own ds there but if you don't want other children just have invites saying no babies/toddlers/children. Just be prepared for some people to decline the invite, tho that's not always a bad thing anyway 😉

PollyFlint · 16/08/2017 20:19

It's absolutely normal to have children in the actual wedding party (ie your own children, or other people's as bridesmaids/page boys) but not as guests. Of course you can have your own children at the wedding without inviting anyone else's - they're your own children, so of course they'll be part of your day. That doesn't mean everyone else's kids have to be invited.

As for 'it's tradition in our family...' you don't have to pay any attention to that bollocks. It's made-up nonsense; you can do what you like.