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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only want my children at my wedding

71 replies

KH369 · 16/08/2017 16:25

I got engaged a few months ago and started doing a bit of planning with my mum, mainly the guest list. If it were down to her I'd have my great Aunty something whom I've never met there! I want a small event, because well I'm not a people person even with people I know so I'm 99% positive that I'll already be annoyed with everyone before Ive even walked down the aisle. So I definitely don't want children there (except my own, because I love them) the problem is that his brothers/sisters all have Young babies/children similar age to my son who's 2 so how can I exclude my sons cousins without getting black lash? I know I sound harsh but my partner and his brother don't get on great anyway and I don't particularly like his brothers wife either so in an ideal world they just wouldn't be invited so I wouldn't have to worry about their spoilt daughter having a tantrum in the middle of my ceremony. My mother also pointed out that it is tradition (at least in our family) to have the youngest females as bridemaids, so again don't want their daughter at wedding definitely don't want her in it.
I must sound like a right cow but I have my reasons, twisted as they may be! But AIBU to exclude all children but my own or should I just embrace that it's my day and I can do as I please? My partner is in agreement with me on this topic even though it is just his nieces and newphew we would be excluding as there are no children apart from mine on my side of the family. To him it's either exclude children or exclude all family and just grab a couple mates for witnesses!

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 17/08/2017 04:51

It's perfectly normal to have only the bride and/or groom's children at the wedding but not others.

I've been to plenty of events where the only child/ren in attendance were the hosts'. I'd actually find it rather odd if the B&G/host excluded their own children.

Zvandelle · 17/08/2017 05:01

Spend yr wedding cash on a holiday, get married on a tropical beach somewhere with just yr children in attendance. Diffuses whole invite situation. I hate going to weddings, most people do, secretly. Spare them the day ( boring unless you are directly involved)and the cash spent buying you a useless present that you won't like. People can't really be offended if you exclude everybody!!

Nuttynoo · 17/08/2017 05:40

How does your DH feel about you not inviting his neices and nephews? It's his opinion that should count.

I am of the opinion that if you can't afford to invite the whole family to a wedding then you either cut back until you can, or you have a basic registry office job and host a dinner afterwards. But that's my opinion (am family orientated as is my DH). You and your DH need to agree on a plan together. I'll be honest, if DH's kids were going but my own neice's couldn't, I'd be furious.

pp2017 · 17/08/2017 07:17

What about saying no kids for the ceremony but welcome to get them dropped off at reception (this is what we did)

That way you get no tantrums disturbing your ceremony but other kids to keep yours amused at the after party?

Best of both worlds 😊😊

LoniceraJaponica · 17/08/2017 07:23

I don't think most people hate going to weddings Zvandelle Hmm. I haven't been to a typical mumsnet style, overblown and expensive wedding though.

Most weddings I have been to were family weddings, and as we are quite scattered it has been a great excuse for a good catch up. So I have really enjoyed these weddings.

Zvandelle · 17/08/2017 07:42

Lonerica, maybe you're right. It must just be most people I've met who I've asked. I've had a few don't minds, but most people I know seem to tolerate them at best. Most of our friendship group have vowed not to get married to spare everyone the tedium! But then I think marriage is an outdated, heteronormative waste of money, rife with potential family politics and is just very expensive showing off, so I may be biased. I've been to some lovely weddings, but, on talking to other guests, 90% seem to be just waiting til it's polite to leave. Also, working in hospitality, I've seen the stress of weddings on families, and people drinking prosecco like water desperately trying to get through the day. All very false and miserable. Bah humbug eh?!

rachrach2 · 17/08/2017 07:51

Seeing as you don't like people generally, I'd just elope or just have parents.

Otherwise, just go for it if you don't mind upsetting them. I don't mind one bit my children not being invited to friends' weddings but would be quite upset if one of our siblings didn't want their nieces and nephews. If you don't like them anyway though I don't know why you're worried about it if your partner is in agreement.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 17/08/2017 07:52

Part of wedding tradition is the uniting of two people, and ultimately two families. They are family affairs. I never quite understand why Bridezilla wants to ostracise her inlaws from the outset.

As the saying goes, your wedding, your day - but don't be complaining here in a year or three that your DH is nt the golden child, that your MIL spends more time with other siblings, that other grand children are favoured, that your SIL 'looks at you funny', that your family are excluded from extended family parties, because this is a rod you'll be making for your own back, your DHs back and your off springs backs too. Your children might have a whale of time with their cousins, but you'll never know.

5 4 3 2 1 along come the anti traditionalists who hate anyone IL related.

Only1scoop · 17/08/2017 07:52

'I'm 99% positive that I'll already be annoyed with everyone before Ive even walked down the aisle.'

Definitely don't have dc there.

Have you thought about a really quiet wedding just the two of you and witnesses perhaps?

rachrach2 · 17/08/2017 07:53

Zvandelle- couldn't disagree more - I love weddings and know the vast majority of my friends do too. I have been to loads and the only ones I have left before the bitter end were the ones when I was heavily pregnant or had a newborn. Most people I know are delighted and honoured to be invited!

AryaOfWinterfell · 17/08/2017 08:01

How close are you to your family?
My sister and I are very close (even though we live miles away) and I would be very upset if she didn't invite my children to her wedding. If it was when my children were toddlers then I couldn't go as all the babysitters would be at the wedding!
Why don't you just elope like pp have suggested. Go somewhere lovely just you, your dp and your dc and turn it into a fabulous memorable holiday too.

Hidingalion · 17/08/2017 08:10

I misread the OP as "only want children at my wedding" and had a nice time imagining a sort of bonkers Bugsy Malone wedding...

Believeitornot · 17/08/2017 08:14

What does your partner think about this?

I personally find it sad that you are excluding children when it doesn't seem to be the children you have a problem with. You call one of the children spoilt - really? Or is that misplaced envy/dislike.

What a way to start your new life with your husband. I hope he's in agreement with all of this!

Zvandelle · 17/08/2017 08:15

Rach2rach, I'm really glad that there are people do enjoy them, I am happy that's so. The great thing about MN is the different opinions and attitudes that people have. I've decided to never go to another conventional wedding, unless my daughter wants to get married in this way ( I really, really hope not!!) as it's hypocritical. Just shows how different we all are!!

MrMessy · 17/08/2017 08:21

I thin it is fine as long as you are prepared for the fall out that will inevitably occur. People with children will most likely not come, which is fine as you say you want a small wedding anyway. But I think it will possibly go beyond that, your DH's siblings may well be upset and this might spoil future family gatherings.

From what you have said it seems that while you don't really care about that, is your DH really ok with damaging his sibling relationships for the future? You say he doesn't get on with his brother, but are there other siblings who he does get on with who will be caught up in this bad feeling? Because excluding nephews/nieces will cause bad feeling, so you both need to be prepared for that.

Isadora2007 · 17/08/2017 08:23

I don't understand why you're even having a wedding. You say you don't like peopl and will be annoyed at them (wtf?). Yeah, what fecking annoying gits spending money to dress up and come and celebrate your wedding, complete with gift. How "annoying" indeed...

You sound pretty unpleasant and unwelcoming so no wonder your in laws are not close to you.

Do yourselves and them a favour and just go for a holiday and get married or something honest but small where you have the few people you actually like and want to be there.

Bollocks to this "it's your wedding" pish... that's akin to "happy mummy happy baby". Just an excuse for spoilt brat behaviour imo.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 08:32

I'm a great believer in people having the wedding they want, child free, non child free, family children only, whatever. However, based on what you said in your OP, I personally agree with others - book a holiday with your kids and while you're there get married, just your kids and a witness or two if necessary dragged off the street.

worridmum · 17/08/2017 08:41

Just dont be like my friend she wanted a no children but her own wedding, but got really annoyed when the vast majority of the people with children didnt come aka she invited 150 people about 30 came and the proceeded to have a massive strop at everyone who didnt come. Ask them was she not important (the wedding was a fair distance and would be a full weekend affair just because of distance) which put off the vast majority of the people with children.

She well and truly alienated everyone that didnt come aka most of both their families even her parents as she had a 6 and 9 year siblings that were not invited so her parents didn't go.

She also gets pissed off when people ask what she expected when she wont even leave her kids for the night but expected everyone to leave there children for a full weekend.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/08/2017 08:41

I think it's sad you don't want nephews and nieces there. It sounds like you're not really bothered about having people there and you don't see it as an important family event. It's natural guests will be upset if their dc aren't invited. I hear about child free weddings all the time on mumsnet but I've never heard of one in real life!

MargaretTwatyer · 17/08/2017 08:43

If they pick up on the fact that you're just excluding them out of dislike (and to try and get the parents not to come either) I think they would be perfectly justified in disliking you deeply. So yes, don't whinge when this all bites you on the ass and your ILs don't treat you like a princess. Treat people how you want to be treated. You will have to accept that if you do this you will have to accept it when you and your DC are also subject to ostracism and unwelcoming behaviour.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 08:44

I hear about child free weddings all the time on mumsnet but I've never heard of one in real life!

Of the last six weddings I went to, half were "no kids".

Underthemoonlight · 17/08/2017 08:49

I had a childfree wedding minus my own kids. There was no kids within the family at the time but if they had been they would have been invited. Just doesn't sit well with my not to include nieces and nephews. Different if it's cousins kids or friends kids but it is abit off to exclude immediate family children. Surely they will all play together? If my db and sil excluded my DS from their wedding we wouldn't have been able to attend.

lozzylizzy · 17/08/2017 08:50

When I went to my sisters wedding the only people causing any disruption were some members of the groom's extended family.

I bet OP would be so annoyed at her DC not being invited to a family wedding. I bet she also will expect other members of her family looking after him whilst she gets hitched!

It would be quite hilarious if it was her DS who had a massive tantrum and I am not saying that because she isn't inviting kids, but her attitude towards her inlaws!

vichill · 17/08/2017 08:52

I think their exclusion will mean there's a bit of a cloud over the day for his family. If you really don't care and can brazen out the fact they'll probably bitch then go for it. Personally I'd invite them to the reception. Not having them there at all does seem to be a statement of your disdain for them.

Emboo19 · 17/08/2017 09:04

Well you should have the wedding you both want! Why are you doing the guest list with your mum and not your husband to be? Surely it's as much up to him as you, does he want his nieces and nephews there?
My parents had lots of young children at there's, despite not having young children themselves (they had me young and by the time they got married, their friends were all starting families)
It was lovely and important to them to included the children. But even if they hadn't wanted children as involved, I know my dad would have wanted his nieces and nephews there.

In your situation, I'm really not sure why you're planning on inviting anyone. I think the suggestions of eloping or just having both sets of parents there, might be best.