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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Only want my children at my wedding

71 replies

KH369 · 16/08/2017 16:25

I got engaged a few months ago and started doing a bit of planning with my mum, mainly the guest list. If it were down to her I'd have my great Aunty something whom I've never met there! I want a small event, because well I'm not a people person even with people I know so I'm 99% positive that I'll already be annoyed with everyone before Ive even walked down the aisle. So I definitely don't want children there (except my own, because I love them) the problem is that his brothers/sisters all have Young babies/children similar age to my son who's 2 so how can I exclude my sons cousins without getting black lash? I know I sound harsh but my partner and his brother don't get on great anyway and I don't particularly like his brothers wife either so in an ideal world they just wouldn't be invited so I wouldn't have to worry about their spoilt daughter having a tantrum in the middle of my ceremony. My mother also pointed out that it is tradition (at least in our family) to have the youngest females as bridemaids, so again don't want their daughter at wedding definitely don't want her in it.
I must sound like a right cow but I have my reasons, twisted as they may be! But AIBU to exclude all children but my own or should I just embrace that it's my day and I can do as I please? My partner is in agreement with me on this topic even though it is just his nieces and newphew we would be excluding as there are no children apart from mine on my side of the family. To him it's either exclude children or exclude all family and just grab a couple mates for witnesses!

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/08/2017 09:07

I agree

I'd elope

Then you don't have to worry about being annoyed all day with all these people you don't like

I prefer a child free wedding tbh but in your circumstances I'd make it guest free.

TheClacksAreDown · 17/08/2017 09:08

I've been to a number of weddings where my children were NFI and that was ok but I would be very hurt if my brother were getting married and didn't want them there.

BanyanTree · 17/08/2017 09:09

StillDriving is right IMO.

I have been to a wedding with no DC but I didn't have any then so it didn't affect me. However, if anyone invites me in the future and doesn't include my DC then I won't go. I don't have anyone to look after my DC so I would have to pay a babysitter and it would be a massive hassle for me. It wouldn't be anything personal but I wouldn't put myself out for someone who feels that way about my DC.

You should do what you want and go ahead and don't invite but don't get the hump if people decline.

Emboo19 · 17/08/2017 09:11

Sorry missed that your partner is in agreement! So what's the problem? He tells his brothers and sisters no children, you understand if that means they can't make it!

He's not close anyway and you don't sound like you like them. Although as my dad says when his two sisters are at each other 'just remember a sibling is your best shot at a kidney transplant, don't burn your bridges' he's only joking (I think!)

BanyanTree · 17/08/2017 09:15

The OP's partner is probably just agreeing for a quiet life. If OP suddenly changed her mind would he still say no DC?

OwlinaTree · 17/08/2017 09:22

Zvandelle crikey you sound like you have high standards of what counts as fun!!

OwlinaTree · 17/08/2017 09:25

Op, imho I think you should elope. I think if you go ahead with not inviting the niece it will cause a massive fuss.

Scholes34 · 17/08/2017 09:30

For me, it's the exclusion of the great aunts that's the issue. I was pressed to invite two of mine and they were the life and soul of the party. It was the start of a new and lovely relationship with them. They were an absolute delight . . . and didn't have any tantrums either.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/08/2017 09:41

Have you thought of eloping? Then all the emphasis is on what you and your husband-to-be want - then no worries about other folks offspring...

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 09:42

Misery Dunno if the OP has but about 20 of us have already suggested it...

Zvandelle · 17/08/2017 09:49

🦉 Owlina, I really do!!! I think so many years in hospitality have left me jaded!!!! I know that it's maybe just me ( and friends) I really do...
Also, wedding planning like OP's does cause so much stress for people -social nightmare!!!

Laiste · 17/08/2017 09:58

If you and your partner don't like your inlaws (or their kids) why are you having them there at all? Especially if you're going to piss them off by grudgingly saying 'you can come but don't bring your kids'. (your son's cousins) You don't like people - what's the point in having a normal wedding? Just go off and get hitched on a beach somewhere with your own kids.

OwlinaTree · 17/08/2017 10:02

I love weddings. I love watching people say those vows of forever and ever, I love eating and drinking and socialising. I love an excuse to get dressed up!

AvoidingCallenetics · 17/08/2017 10:04

Agree that not inviting sibling's dc will have fallout that you might not fully appreciate now. Close or not, it sends a very definite message if you exclude family children - you are telling those people that they are just not important to you. As a consequence they will never be close to you in the future. It's expected that nephews/neices are invited to weddings, it tells them that there is still a bond, that the relationship is valued even if not close.

I would let my fiance decide this. It's his family. But he should know what is the likely outcome.
I wouldn't go to my brother's wedding if he told me my kids were not important enough for him to want them at his wedding.

JaneEyre70 · 17/08/2017 10:07

I don't think the problem is ever with the kids - it's the lack of parenting that causes any issue.

Winenight · 17/08/2017 10:08

As the other posters have suggested you could elope and make it a very small affair- so just yours and OH's parents and your son.

What one of my relatives did was get married abroad and then have an evening wedding party afterwards at a social club to which everyone was invited. She wore the dress, cut the cake and did the first dance etc and all the families/kids were invited. Kids seem to love these dos, they dance, eat cake and keep each other entertained. I can appreciate that entertaining small children during a wedding ceremony and then a wedding breakfast is a challenge and why you wouldn't really welcome this. But that might be something to consider- it would cost a fraction of a full event but without excluding the families.

When I arranged my wedding I thought I wanted a small do- I'm a not showy type- even talked about cutting the numbers down with my mum. Her response was "which of your friends will you not invite?" . Your mum probably has a set idea which she's held for years about your wedding, my mum did. In the end I compromised on several things and picked my battles carefully- of course it is your wedding but your have to decide whether certain issues are really worth having a family row over.

As it happened I loved having a big wedding, we had a ceilidh which was brilliant as we had enough guests to make a worthwhile do!

pigsDOfly · 17/08/2017 10:10

Don't invite anyone, then you won't have to be annoyed with them. You don't like any of them anyway from the sound of it so why would you want them at your wedding.

Just book the registry office go with your dc, mum and one other person and get married without all the angst.

mummytime · 17/08/2017 10:16

I think its fine! And I'm big on family weddings myself.
I have known weddings were the bride and/or grooms children were excluded and that seems weird to me.
Just be ready for people turning down the invite, and consider your policy on tiny exclusively breastfed babies (might be fine if the wedding is soon).

Oh and when you get married its a chance to write your own traditions and get rid of family ones you don't want - whatever your mother or MIL might say. Congratulations!

outofmydepth45 · 17/08/2017 10:49

Just elope

Zvandelle · 17/08/2017 11:16

Owlina, you sound great!! If every wedding had guests like you I may like them!
OP, seriously, just go and do your own thing on a beach somewhere, and forget the family politics! If people question it, blame the other side of the family, depending on who yr talking to!!!

OwlinaTree · 17/08/2017 19:29

Thanks Zvandelle

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