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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not let DD go to sleepover?

109 replies

Kusstard · 16/08/2017 10:03

DD (7) has been invited to a friend's birthday sleepover- haven't told her yet. I haven't let either child do a sleepover yet as a) they're still quite young and b) I have major issues handing their care over to relative strangers. She would love to do it but I am hideously uncomfortable at the thought of letting her. Stick to what I feel is best or give myself a slap and let her go?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 16/08/2017 12:13

Yanbu. 7 is young for a sleepover and I wouldn't allow it in your situation.

flumpybear · 16/08/2017 12:16

I would only let my 8 year old sleep at a house I knew well and knew their parents too - she'd have a phone too in case she wasn't feeling happy

PandorasXbox · 16/08/2017 12:17

Why does that amuse you Bertrand? Some people are fine with their dc sleeping at their friends house.

VestalVirgin · 16/08/2017 12:21

Didn't read the OPs later comment about abuse. Apologies.

You presumably are an adult, who has internet access. Did you not know that abuse is a thing that happens before the OP mentioned it, or what?

It always amuses me when people say "Oh, no. Far too young for a sleepover. Why not ask if the friend can have a sleepover at yours instead

I assume those people are actually aware just why mothers are worried. It is a matter of trust, and everyone trusts themselves, so if the other mother is willing to trust a relative stranger, problem solved. The "child is too young" is more of an excuse to not have to talk about male violence. Because no one is allowed to mention male violence.

Fearing male violence is "irrational", apparently.

So women resort to pseudoreasons.

I'd certainly not be worried about a child only eating junk food for one day, or even about not getting any sleep if the next day isn't a workday or a schoolday.

You can never be perfectly safe, but I'd at least want to have seen all family members, and have had opportunity to observe how they act around children, before trusting them.

With mobile phones, there's an additional safety net, but it depends on how vulnerable to peer pressure the child is. Some children may not want to call their parents for fear of what the other children might think. (And unlike some other people, I do not expect children to be able to predict exactly what an adult who made them uncomfortable will do next, and to weigh that risk against the risk of seeming odd to their peers)

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 12:34

I would be very wary if I didn't know the family well enough, but that's because of bad things that happened to me as a child. They've both had sleepovers with their cousins and with DM (granny), but not with anyone we don't know well.

DD1 has also been to Brownie camp and a Christian holiday camp. But obviously they've had full DBS clearance so there are no safety concerns.

So I don't think you ABU, but that's because I have my own anxieties about things like that. I think I would let her go, if I could reassure myself by talking to the mum organising the sleepover. It would also help if I knew the child was a close friend so I could know that my DD would really enjoy it.

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 12:36

I have just read your update, sorry! I see that you've been through a similar experience to me. It's very hard to overcome that anxiety, isn't it? Hmm

schoolgaterebel · 16/08/2017 13:25

A lot of 7 year olds are already having sleepovers. I think it helps them become more independent and start cutting those apron strings, making school residentials easier for them too. Not to mention how fun they are and strengthen friendship bonds etc.

However, I would not let her first sleepover be at a party / group environment, she would probably feel overwhelmed. Her first sleepover experience should be at her own home first.

She may feel left out when she is collected from the party and all the other girls are excitedly gearing up for sleepover. So perhaps prepare a bit of a treat for her at home.

Neutrogena · 16/08/2017 13:47

@VestalVirgin

You presumably are an adult, who has internet access. Did you not know that abuse is a thing that happens before the OP mentioned it, or what?

Of course I know abuse happens, that's why I asked if it was abuse that concerned the OP.
Should we never mention it because someone reading the thread may have been abused? Confused

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 13:53

I would definitely echo the suggestion of having a sleepover at your house. Is there a cousin/friend's child she's close to, who would enjoy coming to your house? That's the best way to start, I think. Smile

Llanali · 16/08/2017 13:54

@ginandplatonic sums my feelings up perfectly.

As for the comment about DBS clearance, would it change things then if the parents had clearances from professional capacities??

In my experience, one night of poor sleep has never made our children "very distressed". I find that a bit bizarre. We travel plenty both U.K. And abroad and have many late nights of little sleep. D.C. Might be tired the next day, but distressed? No.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 16/08/2017 13:57

I think the fact that you say you would be uncomfortable even if you knew the parents well is a bit of a red herring. It does not negate the fact that, in this case, you do not know them well. Don't allow your self awareness here to cloud the issue. Because frankly sending a young child overnight the home of virtual strangers IS a risk and the fact that you personally would also be anxious about sending her to a closer friend is actually irrelevant here. In these circumstances, this is not an irrational fear. It's a sensible precaution.

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 14:27

@Llanali, yes it did make a difference knowing the leaders were DBS checked, of course it would! Similarly, if it was my DSis, SIL, DM or close friend looking after my DDs it would make a difference.

Because if you don't know the parents you don't know what they're like. And I'm not thinking particularly of them having bad intentions here, but for example will DD be bullied by another child? DD1 has glasses and hearing aids, she can get very hyper, it would be good to have the chance to talk through what this involves.

I'm not saying I'd say no, just these are things we'd have to talk about. And it's not just down to me, DH will have a view.

Aridane · 16/08/2017 14:30

YABU - though understandable given your previous abuse. I think you will need to work on your anxiety on sleepovers because sooner or later they are going to have to happen if you want your daughter to enjoy the usual aspects of friendship

MrsC2000 · 16/08/2017 14:31

I think that's young, my daughter hasn't been on one yet and she's just turned 12.

Llanali · 16/08/2017 14:32

Sorry @mittens that's what I meant .... given that it should and rightly did make a difference, would it also make you/other posters happier to send their children on sleep overs if the parents also had DBS clearance?

Witsender · 16/08/2017 14:32

Yanbu. 7 is wee.

SingingSeuss · 16/08/2017 14:34

You are not comfortable with it so don't do it. Why put yourself through the stress. Plenty of time for sleepovers when she's a bit older and you feel better about it.

supermoon100 · 16/08/2017 14:39

My dcs had sleepovers from 5. I cannot live my life thinking that every man is a potential abuser, and statistically it's more likely to be a relative!

NewSofa · 16/08/2017 14:39

YANBU my daughter is just 7 and their is no way.

Dina1234 · 16/08/2017 14:43

I wouldn't do it, you never know who is sectretly a pedo and a child that young can't be relied upon to defend themselves against perverts.

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 14:44

@Llanali, it definitely would, but who would administer such checks? It's not realistic but it's the reason why a lot of us are wary about sleepovers if we don't know the parents at all.

But in your case you presumably have time to try and get to know the friend's mum when on the school run?

LouBlue1507 · 16/08/2017 14:54

Definitely some hysteria and snowflake culture here. It's a sleepover ffs. I'd love to know what happens on the magical stroke of midnight of a child's 9th Birthdaythat suddenly makes sleepovers ok?

Sleepovers aren't 'american', children have been doing it for donkey's years!

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 15:08

@LouBlue1507, there's no need to be insulting of people's fears. It's not an unfounded anxiety that a child will be abused at a friend's house, just this thread has shown it does happen, very sadly.

Obviously it's very rare and we shouldn't be ruled by paranoia. But it would be irresponsible not to want to know the parents who will be responsible for looking after your 'snowflake' for the night. I make no apology for being careful.

A sleepover with close friends or cousins is a lot of fun for kids so I'm definitely not saying no in principle.

Ohyesiam · 16/08/2017 15:58

Op, I'm an abuse survivor, so I really get what you are saying.
But due to being brought up in a house that felt unsafe meant that I always needed to know what was going to happen next. In other words my instincts became really honed, and I've got a great gut response about who trust, and who feels dodgy.
I spent many years going to incest/ abuse support groups, and found this is a common thing with survivors. I bet you have it too. The trouble is, fear can mask our instincts. I had some good therapy that lessened the trauma, and the fear. I really didn't want my bad experiences to "imprint"onto my kids lives, so I got some help. I still do have fears, because of course, anything can happen, but my life I'd not ruled by fears now.

Hope you can steer a path through this Flowers

Firefries · 16/08/2017 16:28

She's young if you don't know them then no. Personally I think it leaves her really vulnerable, to go overnight to an unknown house and family.

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