AIBU? Another MIL one!

[MissDeSilva]

We have three DC and live quite some distance to our relatives. We are travelling up soon to stay for a few weeks and have made the call to stay with my parents for the duration of our trip but to have plenty of day trips to see PIL.

There are various reasons for us making this choice. My mum & dad have a spare pushchair for us, plenty of spare bedrooms, a high chair, loads of children's toys & a big garden for them to run around in. MIL & FILs house really isn't geared up for kids. It's quite small so it feels like we are living in each other's pockets when we are there. They also don't have a bath and our youngest two can't use the shower (very powerful shower, DC2 is scared of the water hitting her face and their shower head can't be detached so showers are a big issue, DC3 is only 1). No grass in the garden, not a single toy.

I also haven't been very well lately and am under strict instruction from the GP to take it easy. Lugging three DC to various people's houses to stay is anything but relaxing.

On top of all that, my inlaws often undermine my husband and I. It's clear that they dislike me but I continue to take the kids to visit them, even though I feel like an inconvenience the whole time I'm there and they'd probably rather I wasn't in their lives.

Since I fell pregnant with our first, the relationship has been very tense. They tried to take over and boss me around. They lost it when we didn't choose their son as godfather etc. used to go behind my back and continually tell my husband I needed to FF rather than breastfeed as I apparently wasn't producing enough milk, when in fact DC1 was gaining weight perfectly.

Anyway, we tried to tell them that we were hurt about a few things and MIL basically said she couldn't talk about it and ended the call and then didn't talk to DH for over a month.

Now we've told MIL we'll be staying with my parents and she isn't happy. She has said she feels hurt and that if she's done something wrong, we should just say. The truth is, nothing has happened as such to make us not want to stay with them, it's just not as practical for us at this moment in time and we will definitely visit loads during our trip. I just find it a bit of a joke that she's saying we should tell he if we're upset because when we did try that, she got so defensive and then didn't talk to DH for so long, and when she did start speaking to him again, she acted like the conversation didn't happen so nothing got resolved.

AIBU with this or is MIL?

This is all so familiar.

I agree with pp saying they're sending the flying monkeys. No doubt they will have omitted telling bil all the details so they can look like the 'victims'. I think it's quite possible that being polite and trying to avoid confrontation is possibly not going to work long-term. (See my previous post for possible strategies.)

Stay cool, OP. Remember, just because someone's inviting you to a drama party, doesn't mean you have to attend.

just because someone's inviting you to a drama party, doesn't mean you have to attend.

Brilliance. I need this in block capitals on my fridge.

If she tells you she feels hurt, you just need to say "Sorry you feel that way, but as you know it's easier for me and the children at my parents. The decision is made. Let us know when we can visit as the children are excited to see you." End of conversation.

And why not let their son take the children round some of the times so you can rest? I'd love my husband to do that!

You mentioned loads of other reasons before your health OP. That did not come across as your primary driver at all.

Obviously I don't know what your health issues are, but will lots of day trips not be more tiring than staying put? If you split your time between the two places you'll avoid the constant day trips.

Lenny just to clarify, I began by explaining why it's easier for us to stay at my parents than at DH's parents house. Then I went on to explain that the GP has advised I take it easy and staying at two houses really isn't, for us. The fact is, my health dictates we should stay at one place. The reasons I gave in the beginning are the reason we have chosen to stay with my parents the full time rather than staying with my inlaws the full time.

For us, day trips are far easier than packing up all of our stuff and unloading again at the other place. Also, the children sleep better when they're not sleeping in different places all the time.

Children sleeping better = a more restful trip for me.

Sweetie you can't please them so please yourselves. The reasons you are staying with your parents are completely sensible.
Love that phrase dont

Thanks nomore

I never understand why people think it's a good thing for GPs to have a relationship with their GCs when they are horrible to one or both of the parents. Seeing a parent treated with contempt by a GP isn't good for the children however 'devoted' a grandparent they supposedly are.

100% agree Nanny

Just stay cool and calm OP - you don't need the stress from what you've said about your health issues, and, let's be honest here, it doesn't matter what you do, does it? It'll be wrong.
I'm a recovered people pleaser mostly and have found that not giving reasons for refusing to do things is the way to go.
'Mil, we can't stay at yours because you don't have a bath'
'Oh but dd can use the shower'
'Ok. Well, we can't stay because blah blah..' doesn't matter what you say - when you give a reason you're opening up a discussion, and giving them the impression they have a say in what you do.
Phrases like 'that won't work for me,' and 'sorry, no, not this time.' Said calmly but firmly, and repetition is your friend.
'Ah no, that won't work for me/us'
'But why not, is it because x,y,z?'
'It just doesn't work for us'
'But why? Is it because you hate us?'
'Course not, it just won't work for us. Cuppa?' 'Aren't your azaleas lovely?' 'Have you seen Corrie this week?' Find a way to change the subject to something harmless - Closes down the conversation and anyone who can follow social cues will know the conversation is over. Remember, polite people won't keep on and on at you for a reason, so don't feel bad. It gets easier with practice, and even if you're nervous inside, try to look calm and breezy - not always easy though!

Spot on vikingprincess, excellent advice. Simple, by no means easy but very, very effective.

Works a treat on pushy salespeople, too, which, if you think about it, is what they are being, trying to pester you into doing something that, yes, doesn't work for you.

Smile & nod @MissDeSilva, just learn to smile & nod.

You're never going to please her so stop justifying it or trying to.

Smile....... & nod......

And if you can arrange to meet at mutual locations so there is a time limit on the visits. This helps. Trust me.

Big park half way. Play place (which they'll hate & not want to stay). All with the phrase 'we're taking DC to insert location today, you'd be very welcome to join us. We'll be there from 12.30-3.30.

recovering people pleaser Well said @vikingprincess81 I do this too. Not with my PIL who live in another country (that's a whole other thread) but my Aunts who I tried to please until the day they broke my heart. Two years NC & now for the sake of my DC who adore them, it's the 'smile & nod'

I will be watching them like a bloody hawk to make sure they don't do the same to my DC but still.

Exhausting isn't it.

I cant believe you are still faciliting contact with her tbh

It's not the lack of baby equipment and lack of space though is it. All that can be worked around when a family get on. "MIL we never finished that important conversation." And leave it at that.

Then when she started speaking to him again she wouldn't discuss it so it's now just left things very awkward between us

Well they certainly don't feel 'awkward' about anything - they just enjoy being in control.
Your dh should have brought this up - her refusing to discuss the actual problem but still behaving in the same manner!

You're still people-pleasing by promising them 'lots of visits'
That just enables them to keep ignoring the actual issue,
I suggest you forget the awkwardness and just be blunt and repetitive with them.

She is still trying to deflect by inventing other stuff to project at you.
Force them into a position where they either discuss it, behave nicely or stay out of your way.
Repeat as often as necessary

Don't 'reward' them with visits if they refuse to treat you right....all that does is show your dc it's acceptable behaviour, normal.

A lot of the things they do to me are very under the radar, his dad ignores me sometimes when I talk. His interpersonal skills are dreadful and he isn't interested in what I have to say so just switches off to it. When I was diagnosed with this serious health condition, his dad was paying close attention to everything I said and then asked "is it hireditory" and then when I said no, he turned back round to watch the TV. No concern for me, only concerned incase it affected his blood line (grandchildren).

With MIL, there's just an awkwardness there. I don't let her babysit, which is a bone of contention, but in fairness, we never have babysitters. She just is absolutely desperate for me to leave the kids with her. I think she just wants to play Mum and forget I exist.

The other issue is the undermining, which I mentioned upthread. For example, I said my 18 month old wasn't to go in the shed (outside) because it was full of nails, tools and hazards and when we tried taking her in, she just kept trying to touch things and it was more hassle than it was worth. We were all out in the garden and the shed door was open so I kept telling her "no" anytime she tried to go in. she started walking over to the shed but I saw FIL was there so I thought, he'll make sure she doesn't go in. But no. He let her walk straight in so I told him she's not to go in there and he looked at me with a very unimpressed face. I took her away. A second later I turn round and he has her by the hand and is taking her into the shed. I confronted him and he was furious. Started saying things like "it never did my boys any harm" and "give the poor girl a hammer & nails".

Imagine that, but with everything. They undermine us at every turn and don't respect that we're the parents and we make the rules. It's so hard to deal with. Any tips with these situations?

?

My tip is to address them directly.

If they undermine you, say "please do not undermine me as I am the mother". If they continue to undermine you repeat but add on "if you continue to undermine me we will leave" and be prepared to do it.

You need to grow a backbone. People like this thrive on the fact that nobody calls them out on their behaviour openly. Address it firmly and directly and they'll realise you're serious and hopefully respect that.

It's either
Down to child 'Mummy said no'

Or to the grown up 'I've said NO' eyebrow raise

I'm so fed up with it now. Years of dealing with their "ways" is wearing me down. Definitely need to become more assertive with them I think though.

People like this thrive on the fact that nobody calls them out on their behaviour openly.

^^ So true.

"As you know, FIL, I have said no to DC going in the shed because it's not safe. I'm the mother here. My child my rules."