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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Another MIL one!

104 replies

MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 08:35

We have three DC and live quite some distance to our relatives. We are travelling up soon to stay for a few weeks and have made the call to stay with my parents for the duration of our trip but to have plenty of day trips to see PIL.

There are various reasons for us making this choice. My mum & dad have a spare pushchair for us, plenty of spare bedrooms, a high chair, loads of children's toys & a big garden for them to run around in. MIL & FILs house really isn't geared up for kids. It's quite small so it feels like we are living in each other's pockets when we are there. They also don't have a bath and our youngest two can't use the shower (very powerful shower, DC2 is scared of the water hitting her face and their shower head can't be detached so showers are a big issue, DC3 is only 1). No grass in the garden, not a single toy.

I also haven't been very well lately and am under strict instruction from the GP to take it easy. Lugging three DC to various people's houses to stay is anything but relaxing.

On top of all that, my inlaws often undermine my husband and I. It's clear that they dislike me but I continue to take the kids to visit them, even though I feel like an inconvenience the whole time I'm there and they'd probably rather I wasn't in their lives.

Since I fell pregnant with our first, the relationship has been very tense. They tried to take over and boss me around. They lost it when we didn't choose their son as godfather etc. used to go behind my back and continually tell my husband I needed to FF rather than breastfeed as I apparently wasn't producing enough milk, when in fact DC1 was gaining weight perfectly.

Anyway, we tried to tell them that we were hurt about a few things and MIL basically said she couldn't talk about it and ended the call and then didn't talk to DH for over a month.

Now we've told MIL we'll be staying with my parents and she isn't happy. She has said she feels hurt and that if she's done something wrong, we should just say. The truth is, nothing has happened as such to make us not want to stay with them, it's just not as practical for us at this moment in time and we will definitely visit loads during our trip. I just find it a bit of a joke that she's saying we should tell he if we're upset because when we did try that, she got so defensive and then didn't talk to DH for so long, and when she did start speaking to him again, she acted like the conversation didn't happen so nothing got resolved.

AIBU with this or is MIL?

OP posts:
Categoric · 16/08/2017 12:19

Sorry DGP's...

Notevilstepmother · 16/08/2017 12:27

Just ignore her and change the subject if it comes up. If she won't let up drop then tell her she needs to speak to DH.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, don't let her manipulate you or ruin your trip.

PNGirl · 16/08/2017 12:32

I dunno. At this stage I'd probably say that I don't want to stay with them because they don't like me, and that we should all just own our feelings and make the best of it!

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2017 13:37

I wouldn't waste one second of my life trying to figure out, placate, explain things, and especially feel guilty when it comes to these people. All of their problems are just that. THEIR problems. Life is too short wasting head space on jealous, unreasonable, and miserable people.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 19:56

Think I need to grow a thicker skin to all this. It just really gets me down.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 16/08/2017 20:28

What is the price of fixing her 'hurt' so she's happy? What would that entail?

Then balance up her feeling miffed with the price you will pay if you go to the tremendous trouble of managing in her house purely because it (hopefully) makes her quit punishing you with her miff?

When you've paid that price of illhealth, stress, hard work, difficulty, is she going to be happy sunshine and easy to be around? Or is she going to have other miffs to get on with?

You can only ever bring 50% of the relationship to the table.

iamyourequal · 16/08/2017 20:48

MissdeSilva you sound like a lovely person to me and your PIL sound like really hard work. Stick to your original plan of staying with your parents and just try your best to get along with them on the days spent visiting the PIL . I don't envy you! I'm not mad keen on staying at my MIL house and she doesn't even critise me. Tip for shower only households is to take a baby bath that has a plug. Fill it frommthe shower head and keep in the shower cubicle whilst bathing the children. Plug makes it easy to empty. We used to do this at my MIL. It's amazing how large a child you can fit into a baby bath when you have to!

highinthesky · 16/08/2017 21:24

she took no accountability for anything and didn't talk to DH for over a month

Result, I'd say. It may last for even longer than a month next time Grin

junebirthdaygirl · 16/08/2017 21:38

I think you are being a bit unfair. If you have a ds l hope you wont mind in the future him staying with his inlaws and popping in to you for a brief visit now and then. Could your dh take the dc ..not baby .. there for a few nights. Surely out of 3 weeks ye could be more considerate. Just picture how you will feel in a few years time. If they have no toys there just bring a few things. You are being mean.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 16/08/2017 22:06

If you have a ds l hope you wont mind in the future him staying with his inlaws and popping in to you for a brief visit now and then.

Someone always pulls this card.

Seriously.

Being a MiL does NOT entitle you to behave like an arse. That's all it boils down to. Being a DIL does not compel you to have to suck up infinite amounts of crap like a good girl. The OP probably won't throw hissy fits, tantrums, not give a crap about her dil's significant health problems, or insist her ill dil fits kids into a very unkid friendly house at large personal cost. Or be thoroughly unpleasant to her dil. So really nothing to worry about, is there?

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 22:26

If you want family to stay and return visits then you make them welcome

My GM has a draw for visiting kids - games, cards, chalk board - basic but keeps them entertained - they know it's 'theirs'

It's not difficult - MIL could offer a baby bath or blow up pool - but OP is expected to pack 3 kids plus luggage and a bath and high chair so they aren't offended - all this before basic manners applied to visitors

She can huff all she likes - you offend visitors - they don't come back

BlessYourCottonSocks · 16/08/2017 22:44

I think I must be tough skinned. I absolutely understand why you prefer to stay at your parents and if it were me I would waste no time feeling guilty about MIL. You have tried to be diplomatic about it so I would leave it now; however if she brings it up one more time I would be saying 'frankly I find you very critical of my parenting and so naturally I am reluctant to stay with you. No one wants to stay somewhere they are criticised. I'm afraid if you don't make guests feel welcome then they don't generally return'.

Any huffing or denials from her and I would simply keep repeating 'that is how I feel, unfortunately'.

PrimalLass · 16/08/2017 22:56

If you have a ds l hope you wont mind in the future him staying with his inlaws and popping in to you for a brief visit now and then.

If I treat his wife like shit then it will be my own fault if he won't come and stay.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 23:20

Thanks everyone. I wish I was a less sensitive person. I used to have issues when I was younger of being taken advantage of by friends because I'm massively a people pleaser but I've learned how to deal with that and how to choose my friends carefully. Unfortunateky, it isn't so simple with family. I don't have the same options. I can't just cut ties.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 17/08/2017 09:09

No need at all to cut ties, Miss . Just don't accept MiL handing you responsibility for her feelings.

Your plan is fine. You intend to visit lots. It's not possible on this occasion to go the extra 300 miles purely to try and keep her happy. She can choose to feel hurt if that's how she perceives things, and she's fully entitled to share how she feels. That just doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, or that you're obligated to throw yourself under the bus to fix things for her.

Bottom line, her feelings are not more important than yours.

missmollyhadadolly · 17/08/2017 09:29

And if they don't treat you well at their house, just tell DH to go on his own with the kids.

Donttouchthethings · 17/08/2017 09:35

OP, I can completely empathise with your situation. I don't understand people on here saying they think you're being mean or unfair. You sound perfectly nice and reasonable, especially given the circumstances. It sounds like you've tried hard and are continuing to do so.

I know you've tried to talk to her. I might suggest you try again, maybe even on a more ongoing basis?? There's an interesting book by Simon: In Sheep's Clothing, which might help. He talks about using phrases like, 'As you know...' because she does. People like your mil get used to a certain dynamic which people like you and me can find hard to deal with, but these tactics can help to turn things around.

I think I would also work now on looking after your own health. Maybe you could work on detaching a little from her so that her judgements don't hurt so much? I know it can be difficult but there are allsorts of therapies out there (eg NLP) which could help.

Trb17 · 17/08/2017 09:37

@MissDeSilva YADNBU. you've got fair reasons for stating where you are. And in reality you don't even need those reasons. You're an adult and you get to choose what you want without having to justify it.

Please learn not to care what you PIL think. You're not being mean to them. They are creating drama where there is none so they are the cause of their own upset. Not you.

Go enjoy staying with your DP's and if your PIL try to make you feel guilt, remind yourself that they are causing their own upset. You are not doing anything to them.

Trb17 · 17/08/2017 09:38

*for staying where you are. Silly phone.

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2017 09:43

Don't feel bad, you don't need all these reasons. My in laws are lovely and hAve a lovely house, when we go home we stay at my parents, I am more comfortable there and I am caring for small children. Mil suggested many times we stay but if her daughter came to town and stayed with her parents in law mil wouldn't understand at all. We stay the odd night, see them lots, they are 10 mins from my parents and drop in all the time. Works for me.

Lenny1980 · 17/08/2017 09:44

OP, you have pretty much told them their house isn't good enough for you and your family. Not quite sure why you are surprised your MIL is upset.

You have made a lot of excuses. Here's a few potential solutions for you: order a high chair from Ikea to be delivered to their house, same goes for a baby bath from Boots or somewhere. Take a bunch of toys with you. How about day trips to your parents to get you it of the house? Then you won't be under each other's feet all day.

If you don't want to stay with them because you don't like it there that's fine, just tell them. But everything else is just an excuse.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 17/08/2017 10:01

Lenny, we haven't said that. We have emphasised that I'm meant to be taking it easy for medical reasons and staying in one place makes it much less stressful.

They've been in my parents house. It's plain to see that there's more space for us. My children can have their own bedroom just like at home, there's a single bed with a bed guard for my toddler, there's a cot. My inlaws have got upset with us in the past for leaving one or two things at their house. They have a small house and don't have a garage or anything so the last thing they would want is us buying baby gear and leaving it there.

It's clear to see where the most practical place is for us to stay. As I said, we will be travelling to them frequently for day trips.

OP posts:
AsleepAtMyDesk · 17/08/2017 10:02

If they are anything like my PILs, they will complain about the unfairness of you staying at your parent's, but if you actually stayed at your PILs then you are in the way and they resent the effort and cost involved with the visit. So you can't win. Ever.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 17/08/2017 10:06

My brother in law phoned my husband and told him that his parents think the real reason we don't want to stay is because they smoke. They don't smoke in the house, haven't since DC1 was born, so that's not even a factor in the equation.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 17/08/2017 10:12

They are sending the flying monkeys - really don't worry about it

Detached let DH deal with them

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