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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Another MIL one!

104 replies

MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 08:35

We have three DC and live quite some distance to our relatives. We are travelling up soon to stay for a few weeks and have made the call to stay with my parents for the duration of our trip but to have plenty of day trips to see PIL.

There are various reasons for us making this choice. My mum & dad have a spare pushchair for us, plenty of spare bedrooms, a high chair, loads of children's toys & a big garden for them to run around in. MIL & FILs house really isn't geared up for kids. It's quite small so it feels like we are living in each other's pockets when we are there. They also don't have a bath and our youngest two can't use the shower (very powerful shower, DC2 is scared of the water hitting her face and their shower head can't be detached so showers are a big issue, DC3 is only 1). No grass in the garden, not a single toy.

I also haven't been very well lately and am under strict instruction from the GP to take it easy. Lugging three DC to various people's houses to stay is anything but relaxing.

On top of all that, my inlaws often undermine my husband and I. It's clear that they dislike me but I continue to take the kids to visit them, even though I feel like an inconvenience the whole time I'm there and they'd probably rather I wasn't in their lives.

Since I fell pregnant with our first, the relationship has been very tense. They tried to take over and boss me around. They lost it when we didn't choose their son as godfather etc. used to go behind my back and continually tell my husband I needed to FF rather than breastfeed as I apparently wasn't producing enough milk, when in fact DC1 was gaining weight perfectly.

Anyway, we tried to tell them that we were hurt about a few things and MIL basically said she couldn't talk about it and ended the call and then didn't talk to DH for over a month.

Now we've told MIL we'll be staying with my parents and she isn't happy. She has said she feels hurt and that if she's done something wrong, we should just say. The truth is, nothing has happened as such to make us not want to stay with them, it's just not as practical for us at this moment in time and we will definitely visit loads during our trip. I just find it a bit of a joke that she's saying we should tell he if we're upset because when we did try that, she got so defensive and then didn't talk to DH for so long, and when she did start speaking to him again, she acted like the conversation didn't happen so nothing got resolved.

AIBU with this or is MIL?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 09:30

You have nothing to dread

I mean they get to see the kids and have peaceful evenings

Having guests is expensive - additional food, heating, hot water, toilet roll etc, then there's the expected days out (where we've been before!)

There nothing to stop your DH staying there if he wants to, but it sounds like he doesn't

Unfortunately you reap what you sow in life and I wouldn't worry about her gossiping - people do see through these things

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 09:30

I've also asked DH to be very tactful when explaining our reasoning for staying with my parents and to stress the fact we'll visit lots. There are a number of other issues such as FIL swearing in front of DC and also smoking while standing right next to them (outside I should add, but I don't feel great about it). There are just so many issues.

OP posts:
ChristopherWren · 16/08/2017 09:31

It makes complete sense for the Christenings to have been at your parents home in that case! Quite possibly they are jealous, which is in some ways understandable, but not justifiable.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 09:32

That's what I think it is christopher

OP posts:
Donttouchthethings · 16/08/2017 09:36

Nothing you've written sounds unreasonable to me. Mil too is allowed to feel hurt and you can reassure yourself that it's not your job to fix that for her. I would suggest working on improving your communications with her. Be straight but kind. I think I would emphasize Doctor's orders and say that you wouldn't expect her to have to look after you as well as the chn.

Good luck with it all!

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 09:36

Stuff like this just really affects me and adds so much stress to my life which isn't good for my health condition. I just need to find a way to take no notice of it all.

OP posts:
Hatethinkingofusernames82 · 16/08/2017 09:36

OP are you me?? This is scarily close to my life. But (and this isn't to tell you what to do at al!) we split our time equally. I'm almost obsessive about it so at Christmas if we are down south for 2 weeks we spend 4 nights at one house, then 4 nights at the other then another 2 with one and then another 2 etc etc. We also alternate Christmas too. I would agree that our holidays rarely feel like holidays as it is just constantly unloaded and packing cars. But I was just adamant that the kids will spend equal time with both sets of family. Yes it's a pain about no bath in one house but we just skip a few baths here and there.

averythinline · 16/08/2017 09:38

You don't want to go and yes a lot of your reasons sound like excuses and I can easily see why MIL thinks you don't think much of them ....and you don't....
(sound like a snob really.... many families dont have large houses to host things and have families that swear and smoke not church going types with big houses- but are still family/good people )

I would suggest you were a bit more honest both with yourself and them....
This trip 'I'm staying at my mums as its easier for me..'

there is nothing wrong with that just own it...because to me it sounds just a load of blah blah blah i don't like you

HumphreyCobblers · 16/08/2017 09:44

The op has explained that it is easier for them at her parents though.

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 09:47

averythinline I totally understand a lot of what you're saying. The funny thing is, before we had children, I preferred staying with MIL & FIL to staying with my parents. Once we had children, that's when the problems started. Their house isn't very practical for the kids but I accept the fact we could find a way to make it work. They have made it very difficult for us to be parents around them with their constant questioning of things, the rolling their eyes, shaking their heads and tutting when we discipline DC. They don't like me and make that clear but I still put my feelings aside and make sure our DC have good relationships with their grandparents. The issue is, with their house being so small, we are all in each other's pockets like you wouldn't believe when we stay there. At my parents house, we have our own space. It just works better.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 16/08/2017 09:47

Oh, fuck em. She doesn't have the monopoly on being 'hurt' and they sound, at best, tedious.

I wouldn't even go to visit, TBH. Let your DH take the kids if he wants and you can relax with your parents or on your own!

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 09:51

Come on!

If OP came on complaining that the PIL visit to them is cramped and they spend their time swearing and over parenting - you'd all be saying tell them to get a hotel room and not put them up

OP is doing the earn for her children - makes life easier having a garden to tuna round in and not having your parenting questioned

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 10:05

i just know it's going to be so awkward when I see them now. Even more so than normal Sad

OP posts:
FittonTower · 16/08/2017 10:10

Do you think anything you do could make them happy? Anything other than doing exactly what they say regardless of how well that suits you and your children? If not then try to just ignore the guilt trips and the faux-offence and just carry on your own merry way regardless. If its' outside your control to make them happy then the only thing you can do is stop trying to make them happy because all that does is make you guilty and miserable too.

llangennith · 16/08/2017 10:20

You do what's best for you and your family. You don't have to come up with lots of reasons why you're choosing to stay at your DP's home. Just ignore the guilt trip she's dumping on you and stick to the one phrase "it's more convenient for us and the children".
MIL can choose to sulk and be hurt or she can choose to look forward to the occasions she'll see you and her DGC.
(I'm a MIL with 3 DC (two live away) and several DGC.)

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 10:39

Thanks llangennith I appreciate your point of view as someone who is on the other side of things, so to speak.

My inlaws haven't treated me too well but I continue to make it a priority for our DC to visit them and I try not to let the way they make me feel prevent them from having a good relationship with their grandchildren.

However, I am loathed to break my back trying to make it work staying in their house when we have a much more practical option. Especially given the fact I'm treated quite poorly at times when I'm there.

OP posts:
KC225 · 16/08/2017 10:53

An earlier poster made a good point of stating, if you did stay with them - wouldn't change things, would it make them treat you better, make MIL less sensitive, make them leas critical. The answer is 'no'. There will always be something. Do what is best for your family and you. The reasons you have given are practical with a young family. Good luck OP.

GreenTulips · 16/08/2017 10:54

I'd also say they would complain if you visited your family and planed days out with just the kids

You can't win - so accept you'll lose

You haven't mentioned your husband - what does he make of it?

THirdEeye · 16/08/2017 10:59

You've already explained (& quite justifiably so especially with your ill health) why you can't stay; the more you justify, explain etc it is giving her more room to sulk etc.

She wants you to feel guilty and probably give an unjustified apology to make her feel better. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and your DC.

She can be disappointed but she needs to act like an adult

FinallyHere · 16/08/2017 11:10

Give yourself a break. Keep it breezy when telling them anything, with no room for alternative arrangements. This is how it is and expect them to be glad to see the DGC

I get that you want the world to be a good place, and are feeling guilty. What you are actually doing, though, is feeding the fire of her upset. She 'knows' that you have a weakness there and will exploit it for all she can get. So the more you bend over backwards to accommodate her desires, the more she will get upset because, well, it works. And it makes drama meanwhile.

You know this, because you had to 'grow a pair' before and it all worked out much better once you did. This is more of the same, just accept that she expresses herself in a certain (not brilliantly helpful) way and get on with doing what is best for your family (you, DH and DC, incase you have a wobble).

You are doing a great job.

Donttouchthethings · 16/08/2017 11:26

Why not call her on how she treats you?

Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 11:44

We tried that dont - she took no accountability for anything and didn't talk to DH for over a month. Then when she started speaking to him again she wouldn't discuss it so it's now just left things very awkward between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissDeSilva · 16/08/2017 11:46

Thanks finally

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 16/08/2017 11:56

I'm glad there aren't too many bully apologists on here, nothing like some light victim blaming by all those in FOG from their parents to normalise their lives.
MissDeSilva I'm 20 years into this as a DIL and 40 years as a GC. One common, poor and Jeremy Kyle, one a pious poor mans nouveau riche. It all comes from the same place narcissism. You have some very good advise on here. It is not your fault, nothing you can do will be right, nothing you could have done differently would have made it better. 20 years ago FIL got a degenerative diagnosis, OH said I never want to miss a Xmas with him, I said no way, and made sure we took every xmas in turns and visits were always equal why the hell didn't I run then! Fast forward and OH and his whole family, including his live and kicking DF say that's a lie and we visited mine more. The thing about toxic families, there is a series of books, is the narc trains their family to accept their behaviour of ten from birth, make excuses for them, even on strangers threads on the internet, thankfully your IL's seem to have done a bad job on your OH. You will never win OP so try to leave the fight, do what you and your family are happy with, because nothing you do will be enough for them. Spreading lies about you will be par for the course, part of being a narc is that you don't accept reality, look at Trump! Don't play the game, don't try to make them happy, you can't, you and your dc are the only ones who will get burnt. MIL broke me this year, properly broke me, disengage, don't feed their drama. I remember my GM's behaviour whilst growing up, as an adult I had no relationship with her, never went to her funeral or cried when she died, she was a bully.

Categoric · 16/08/2017 12:18

MissdeSilva, this family situation is not your fault so let go of the guilt immediately. My parents are divorced and the constant enforced equal splitting of family time (with complaints from my DF that he was unfairly treated) left us all feeling miserable.

I now make no pretence of splitting it fairly. When the youngest DC went to school, I just decided to see which of the DGM's made an effort to see them, remember it was holiday time etc etc. The ones that ring or pop round to speak to the DC have a good relationship, the one that doesn't bother has no relationship to speak of.

They may be family but I don't allow anyone negative to impact my life any more.