Teenager in bedroom...

[GaynorGoodwin]

My daughter who is 17 and on a break from college is spending far too much time in her bedroom. She's got friends but rarely goes out instead spends her time on her phone, skyping, etc., and it's getting me down. I was actually tearing up earlier after getting back in from doing a bit of shopping to see she was still up there. Quite often she takes her lunch up there...

I've suggested we go out, do a bit of shopping, walk the dog, etc, and am blankly refused before she turns and goes back up. I'm fed up and don't know what to do.

I'm feeling rather sensitive, but advice is welcome, thanks

My 16 yr old has been home since May and I think the actual amount of physical time we have spent together in the house probably adds up to about 24hrs

He and his 18 yr old brother interact from their respective bedrooms and occasionally they go out together or with their friends other than that, the only time we see them is when they are hungry.

They always oblige if I ask them to do anything but scoot off back to their rooms as soon as they can

I went out for a walk with 20 year old and dog but her phone was never far from her eyes.
The 17 year old i think has been for one walk with me.

i understand your disappointment but surely this isnt the first summer she has been like this? If so she is a rare breed.

It seems common with MN teens. But we have rules - which I know NOBODY ELSE DOES [need sarcasm/rolleyes emoticon] because I am huffed at and told so...

If you are home without a job, you walk the dog, empty the dishwasher, do the laundry (wash, hang, bring in and fold and put away)
meals are downstairs at the table - always
you get to cook an evening meal each week.
friends are welcome any time, but family duties need doing too.

mine are 15 and 16 maybe "the teenage years" are yet to come, but they seem great kids.

i bet if you offer to take her out for a coffee/ some shoes, she would come with you?

I'm very surprise by the responses too, because this is not normal at all in my part of the country. All DD's friends are either working, volunteering, or going out with each other. Almost all of them have a job.

DD is 17, volunteering, working, going out with friends, doing her driving lessons, studying for exams. She too enjoys her time in her room, but never for a whole day let alone weeks.

DS is only 14 so too young to work, but he too knows he has to be out. He spends a bit more time in his room but he is out with his friends at least every other day, plays football, and has done some volunteering.

What's your daughter's situation? In between A levels? Did she not look for work over the summer?

I'm glad to read BeyindThePage that I don't come from another planet! Can't believe how many older teenager are let to do...nothing!

I was just like this at 17. My mother despaired of me. At 40 I am now a fully functioning, employable, responsible parents who has friends and socialise no problem. I certainly became more extraverted at uni!

Of she is happy enough, leave her be, really. Of course if she is depressed, miserable and the staying upstairs is a symptom of other problems that's a different matter. But then it would be those issues that need resolving, not just the time spent in her room.

Sadly, it's very normal behaviour OP. They do get better, so take heart but they seem to like their own space. I've spent many a lonely evening or weekend sat downstairs if DH is out, with 3 teenagers barricaded in their rooms. I usually find that the lure of lunch out or coffee somewhere will tempt them out, but they bolt straight back up there when we're back. It's a really strange age, almost as if they are distancing themselves from you. Don't take it personally, we've all been there .

No idea why so many people allow teens to take their meals up to their rooms. If mine want to eat they eat it at the table with us, always have done.

Ds17 spends 95% of his life in his bedroom. He eats dinner downstairs with us but then it's straight back upstairs. I think it's normal.

I have a 19yo who does this . She's either watching tv on her laptop, writing fan fiction or phoning/texting friends.
She takes the dog out for 45 mins every day and goes out for the day about once a week.
She's happy as larry.
I spent my teen years listening to music and reading in my room.

I agree that teenagers spend more time in their rooms but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to eat lunch/meals with you, nor to come down occasionally for some social interaction. If my daughter has been upstairs for ages I usually just go up and perch on her bed for a chat or ask her if she could find the time to come down for a chat with her old Mum as I am bored/lonely/fancy a catch up...she always obliges if asked and generally slinks back up again in a while.

I wouldn't take it personally, it's normal behaviour in my house. DD spends all day upstairs and I spend all day downstairs. We meet occasionally when she needs food. It works quite well really.

My son (19) pretty much spends all his time at home in his bedroom. He will come down and eat dinner with us if there is a specific reason but otherwise he disappears.
He does have a sporting activity that takes up a lot of time so he is physically very active and when he does interact with me he is fun and without attitude.
He does his chores with very little moaning indeed.
He appreciates I don't get on his back unless there is specific reason.

It really is normal.

*I guess there are three possibilities:

1. she is going through a moody teenager phase.

1. she doesn't like spending time with you.

1. she is depressed*

Or:

1. she is enjoying her time off, and likes her own company?

Not everything has to have a negative connotation

It's getting you down. You're tearing up. You're feeling sensitive...

Because your teenager is staying in her room? Sorry, I don't get it! What's going on?!

Terry I like your analogy and am hoping my DD emerges!
OP I get it- it's hard if rather than drift from you being the centre of their world as a small child they seem to gallop away with no interest whatsoever.

Today my previously sweet & caring DD told me in no uncertain terms that she hates me- all because I expressed concern that she is sleeping a lot and that she declined to take up an offer from our neighbour to give her practise in something she wants to do as a career. She has not made much effort to help with household chores and I have docked money from her (small) allowance telling her that in real life she can't expect money for doing nowt.
We also insist on meals together but she doesn't hang around. She has been out a couple of times to see friends though and is still willing to go on holiday with us (if we go abroad!)

I think it's normal behaviour. I caught Woman's Hour on radio 4 the other day and felt considerably better when other mums were sharing their experiences of teens and the grunting, sarcastic communication.
We of course know nothing and were never young . I think we have to accept that it is part of the process of them becoming independent.

I would still offer to do things OP- at least she knows you're interested but you can't force it and hopefully by trying to keep communication open she will tell you if there is a problem

Jeez, yes YABU.

Unless he is working, My DS 18 gets up in a morning, does all his chores and goes back to his room until lunchtime. He appears, stands in kitchen and eats while talking to me (talking to me is a recent development) then disappears again.

Reappears for dinner at the table and then either goes back to room or goes out with mates.

I was the same.

When I was a teenager, I was out virtually all day, mates, high street, beach, park.

So I too struggle to understand the not leaving the bedroom-thing. Sympathies op.

As long as she's miserable, I suppose let her get on with it- except for meals, make her eat downstairs. You'll be amazed how quick they can eat!

As long as she NOT miserable

My teens do not spend all their time in their room. We still enjoy spending time together as a family. They are going into year 10. And are still not embarrassed to be seen with us!
Meals together always since babies....it's my favourite time with them, no tv, no music, no phones! And then we all wash up together. They also have to cook occasionally but this is something they really enjoy. Often they can be persuaded out for a dog walk and/or a game of whist and a coke at the pub, or a coffee/hot chocolate. DD and I get our nails done together. We play badminton together, sometimes go for a run. Go for a weekend away at least once a month. We go to the movies together, get hooked on a Netflix series. Friends stay and hang out too.

But like you OP I will be sad if they are spending their lives in their rooms at 17 - I never did, there was always more interesting things going on elsewhere, some of my nephews have gone down the staying in their bedrooms path but many haven't, I'm hopeful mine won't either.

Are you feeling rejected because your teen prefers to be in her room than with you? Easily done but try not to take it personally, because it's almost certainly NOT personal. As pps have said, if she's introverted, she may be all peopled out and just need to recharge in her own space.

Also, don't expect teens to think ahead. Mostly, if you give them an instruction, they will (if you're lucky) do that one thing, e.g. get the washing in. But if you also want them to fold it and put it away, you need to specify. So don't expect your dd to KNOW you'd like to spend time with her - she probably won't.

We also have a no meals in bedroom policy unless someone is ill, obviously. You could perhaps introduce that as a way of at least eating together?

Aged 17 I was either at school, at work, with friends or in my room.

In my room I would read or write while listening to grunge music or techno, no mobile phones or laptops in the mid 90s for me.
I also wrote essays for homework & some crap poetry.

I had to emerge to cook & eat my own dinner, use the only telephone (in the hall) or watch the only tv (in the lounge where my sister & me would fight over the control..).

I was depressed at times & had OCD which meant my room was insanely tidy. My main interaction with my parents was to argue with them so I think they preferred it when I was in my room!

I was a horrible teenager... so OP if your DD is nicer than I was then that's positive!

I remember those days very well op.
When my dd was that age she also spent all of her time in her bedroom and wanted next to nothing to do with me. I remember feeling upset and I missed her (even though she was in the same house).

Then things changed. She started spending all of her time out of the house. This was worse because as well as missing her still I also had the worry of what and where she was/doing.

She's now 20 and has recently moved out into shared accommodation. She's very happy and doing well and she actually wants to talk to me and see me. She goes out of her way to spend time with me and phones all the time! She also does lovely things for me just because she can.
I worried for so long that our previously close and happy relationship was history ( I'm also a lone parent so we really did only have each other for a lot of years) but shes come out the other side and is an absolute pleasure to be with.

Try not to worry too much op. It's hard but it's also perfectly normal.