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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teenager in bedroom...

84 replies

GaynorGoodwin · 15/08/2017 16:01

My daughter who is 17 and on a break from college is spending far too much time in her bedroom. She's got friends but rarely goes out instead spends her time on her phone, skyping, etc., and it's getting me down. I was actually tearing up earlier after getting back in from doing a bit of shopping to see she was still up there. Quite often she takes her lunch up there...

I've suggested we go out, do a bit of shopping, walk the dog, etc, and am blankly refused before she turns and goes back up. I'm fed up and don't know what to do.

I'm feeling rather sensitive, but advice is welcome, thanks

OP posts:
LizB62A · 15/08/2017 16:28

She's a teenager - that's what they do
My son is the same - when I was his age, I was never in !
I can't understand it myself but he's happy enough so I leave him to it.

PollyFlint · 15/08/2017 16:28

Totally normal teenage behaviour. It doesn't mean she's depressed, or that she doesn't like you, or that there is anything wrong at all. Some teens are more sociable than others and if she's on her phone or laptop or whatever then she is in contact with people, just not face to face. She just wants to do her own thing, which is normal and healthy for a 17 year old.

My teens are younger but they know they have to spend some time with me each day

That seems a bit needy to me. Can't you get through a day without their company while they do their own thing?!

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 16:28

All perfectly normal. She'll be interacting with her friends on social media who are all in their rooms too!

This^

It's completely normal. Nothing you have described sounds particularly unusual.

starfishmummy · 15/08/2017 16:29

It does sound sound pretty normal teenage behaviour. However in this house we eat together so taking food up to the bedroom is not on. DS comes down to eat or goes hungry

Icequeen01 · 15/08/2017 16:30

My DS is 17 and exactly the same. Very rarely comes downstairs to watch tv with us anymore - unless it is a Suits which he and his dad love. He's only met up with one friend during the holiday to go to the cinema.

We are currently away on holiday and I've been surprised by how much time he still spends in his bedroom. We are in a villa with a pool so had assumed he would be lying around in the sun and swimming. We have given up trying to get him up before midday so DH and I leave him and go out for a walk/explore and return at lunchtime. We then try and do something with him after lunch - today we went swimming in some sea caves which he actually enjoyed but won't say so! If we eat out he comes with us or starves - his choice 😀

I honestly don't stress about it. They are growing up and need their space from us. We did say he could stay at home this year but he still chose to come so I think she still likes us a little Smile

Hillarious · 15/08/2017 16:30

People are being rather harsh with you, OP. It is a normal teenage thing, but you're NBU to feel a little down at the lack of contact. Teenagers don't have to become unsociable monosyllabic recluses, taking all their meals in their room. Interaction with the grown ups is important for their own sociability. A no-food-upstairs rule is good (as long as you don't live in a bungalow). I expect my teens to eat with us and not leave the table until everyone has finished - that's pure good manners. That should ensure you have her company for at least 15 minutes at meal times. Accept that as a good starting point. Enjoy that time, and more may come your way. You can also look for TV programmes to watch together.

I doubt she's depressed
I'm sure she likes spending time with you when she does
Teenagers don't have to be moody

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/08/2017 16:32

I was worried about one of mine being a hermit in her bedroom, now she's out until all hours partying and drinking and I'm worried about that. I don't think they can win at this age.

LockedOutOfMN · 15/08/2017 16:33

Sounds normal to me (teacher of teens).

My kids are only little so I've no idea how feasible this is but I would say to insist that she eats her meals with the rest of the family. Snacks and drinks she can have in her room.

thecakefairy · 15/08/2017 16:36

I've got a 17 yo daughter who is an absolute delight. I don't have any issues with her at all.
She spends loads of time in her room but it doesn't bother me at all.
If I want her to do anything, I call her out in a firm manner and you can tell that obviously putting her underwear away or doing a tiny bit of washing up is exhausting for her!! (poor thing).
Apparently, it's been proven (don't ask me where) that it is a totally normal thing that teenagers do, along with the moodiness and that they really can't help it.
Something to do with brain changes which only occur in babies and teenagers.
We do some things together as it's only the two of us living together. Her brother has his own place and if he invites her over or to come and stay she is off out like a shot.
I don't think parents are interesting enough for them at this age but it's nothing personal. They appreciate you later on though.
Try and not let it wind you up as you won't change things and all you do is stress yourself.

terrylene · 15/08/2017 16:36

Think of it as pupating. Hopefully one day she will emerge a beautiful butterfly Wink (still waiting Hmm )

We always have family meals - the only time I can prise them from their rooms.

Hillarious · 15/08/2017 16:40

Family meals are important . . . and a good place to start.

Now that DD's away at uni, we're the ones that she's Facetiming. We actually spend a fair amount of quality time with her that way when she's away from home! Swings and roundabouts!

Gemini69 · 15/08/2017 16:44

switch off the wi-fi .. take a break x

ClopySow · 15/08/2017 16:47

My teenagers are known as the bedroom dwellers. They're a particularly harmless, tired, smelly species. They only venture out quickly to grab food then retreat into the darkness.

PoppyH56 · 15/08/2017 16:51

I'm 23 now but at 16/17 I spent pretty much every waking minute in my room. I was either texting, watching TV, reading or doing my coursework and it's a lot nicer to do all of these things within your own little space. As a teenager it's hard as you want your own space but obviously can't afford to move out so you have to make do with your room which is like your safe haven. I moved away when I was 19 for 6 months and when my mum came to visit I would spend every minute with her. It's not because I loved her any less that I wanted to spend my teenage years in my room, I was just more comfortable there. I would always have dinner downstairs though with my mum/dad and whatever sibling was also in at the time. I'm 23 now and still at home and still spend a lot of time in my room (when I'm at home). Mostly because my mum watches AWFUL tv and I have my own tv and sofa in my room so it's like my own living room. I wouldn't worry too much OP x

peachgreen · 15/08/2017 16:52

Gosh, I don't think I ever left my bedroom at that age, apart from for meals and to do my chores. Thinking about it, I guess my mum bribed me to spend time with her with shopping trips and lunches out - which I really enjoyed, I loved spending time with my mum but it wouldn't have occurred to me to do it in the house. Also we definitely wouldn't have been allowed to eat upstairs so we all had lunch / dinner together.

Sparkletastic · 15/08/2017 16:52

Don't let her eat meals in her room. Tell her that her washing and ironing is her responsibility. Other than that get on with doing your own thing and seeing friends etc.

Jackiebrambles · 15/08/2017 16:53

Don't you remember being a teenager? That's what you do! You go into your own world and hanging out with your parents is the last thing you want. I agree that family meals should be together though, that's fair.

In my day there was no social media (or mobile phones - ancient) but we still were in our rooms if we weren't out with friends, listening to music, reading etc.

Floralnomad · 15/08/2017 16:57

Sounds pretty normal to me . To the person who said tell her tomorrow we are taking the dog for a walk , have you ever had a 17 yo , it's not like having a 7 yo . I have never had meals taken upstairs though , don't mind snacks but meals are going a bit far .

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/08/2017 17:04

Reading this with interest - my DC are 5 and 6yo, so it's a while off!

I grew up in a house where no-one ever spoke to each other. My mum sat in her room and radiated a strong 'fuck off' field, while my sister and I only managed to get along in limited bursts. My dad sat in the living room alone and was either watching telly or doing his work, thus not really available to chat to. So my main memories of the teenage years (pre-social media) are of just being really, really lonely at home, esp as I was shy and didn't have many friends. All these tales of moody teens - I'd have LOVED to have someone to talk to!!

Anyway, I'm sure I have it all to come Confused

TinselTwins · 15/08/2017 17:09

I guess there are three possibilities:

1. she is going through a moody teenager phase.

2. she doesn't like spending time with you.

3. she is depressed

yup

LagunaBubbles · 15/08/2017 17:13

All sounds perfectly normal to me but what isnt quite so normal is for you to get so stressed youre crying about it, there must be more to it?

DustinGee · 15/08/2017 17:14

I'm really surprised by your post.

This is so incredibly common with teens that it's almost a cliche.

I did it. My son did it. Every teen I have ever known has done it to some degree or another. Maybe it's a safe way for them to begin the separation from their parents.

BackforGood · 15/08/2017 17:20

It's a pretty normal teenage phase. She is interacting socially, just differently from how we did. She will be interacting on social media with all her friends, who are also alone in their bedrooms.

'Tearing up' is very weird and a complete over reaction.

Katedotness1963 · 15/08/2017 17:21

I have a 16 and 17 years old. You've just described their summer. We eat our evening meal together every day, the rest of the time they're in their rooms. The eldest plays his guitar and writes songs, the youngest plays online with his friends.

NormaSmuff · 15/08/2017 17:23

were you hoping for company - are you hoping to turn back the time 10 years?
go out without her op.