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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son and nursery

78 replies

Letstryagainshallwe · 15/08/2017 10:35

My ds is due to start nursery in September and I'm not really happy with it tbh. I only agreed as I have two older kids in school and whenever I drop them the staff would constantly and I mean constantly ask me about sending my son to nursery. Even when I agreed I would constantly get asked if I've filled the forms in yet. One lady was asking me every time she saw me even though I had kept saying no I hadn't had the chance. Anyway they are going to do a home visit soon?? Is this standard win nursery (as I don't know any one who has had this) and tbh it feels like just a chance to look around my home. Not sure why else they would need to do a home visit? Anyway aibu in not really wanting him to go??

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 15/08/2017 23:53

My eldest 2 never went to nursery and dc3 won't be going either.

It's not compulsory.

The eldest 2 have excellent social skills and have not been disadvantaged in any way shape or form for not going to nursery.

Do what YOU feel is right. Not through pressure from others x

MsPassepartout · 15/08/2017 23:55

The school nursery we looked at told us that legally they aren't allowed to insist on children being toilet trained.

But if you don't want or need him to go to nursery, surely you could just not send him? Or at least send him to the nursery over the road instead of the one 20 mins walk away?

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 16/08/2017 00:00

I've told them "il think about it" but then I will still get "did you think about it" the next time they see me. I haven't looked at the one near me yet but I will find out about it. But they definitely keep pressurising me.

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 16/08/2017 00:04

Just say, 'yes I've thought about it, and I've decided not to send him. He's happy at home for now' big beaming smile.

TmiTuesdays · 16/08/2017 00:04

Wow. I had no idea hard selling extended to nurseries. That's all this is OP, they want more numbers (you said they were a bit low) and they sensed that you would be vulnerable to pressure.

It's not school. You don't have to send him if you don't want, he is your child, do what's best for him, you won't get in any trouble if you don't send him. I really don't see why you 'have' to send him for a certain number of hours anyway; that may be a policy of theirs but it's not a legal requirement. If you want to send him to the nursery near you, it sounds like that would make much more sense. Do whatever you want; he is YOUR CHILD and frankly pressuring and guilt tripping a single mother into sending her child to nursery in order to bump up numbers is a pretty low thing to do.

ArchieStar · 16/08/2017 00:06

They're pressuring you because they want the funding.

Politely tell them you have an alternative arrangement as 1) he's not ready yet, 2) there is a decent nursery over the road to you that has offered you a place (may be a lie but still) and 3) you don't want to do 6 x 20 minute walks a day, especially with a baby!

If they carry on then ask what the big deal is about him going to THAT nursery since it's not compulsory education.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 16/08/2017 00:09

Oh gosh how could I forget this!! My dd has asd so has a ta and I get the feeling they've asked her to keep asking me aswell as she's not very subtle about it at all. She recently started in the mornings taking my sons hand and pretending there were going down to the nursery! All very weird.

OP posts:
TmiTuesdays · 16/08/2017 00:12

Ok, that plumbs new depths. Enlisting your daughter to keep harassing you about this is really disgusting. Do you want any of your kids to keep going there, because I'd be having serious doubts after that.

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2017 00:17

Even when your ds gets to compulsory/full time schooling, you still have the option to fully or partly home school him.

Everyone has the option to home-school, but afaik not partly home/school unless there's a flexible-school agreement in place, normally for things like serious illness.

CheerfulMuddler · 16/08/2017 01:05

I think most teachers would draw the line at pressuring a mum to send her kid to nursery to get funding for the school! Teachers have busy lives, if they're putting in this much effort, I suspect it's because they want to support your DS and think he'll benefit. As PP have said, nursery does all sorts of preparing for school stuff like reading, writing, getting used to the school environment. It is absolutely not compulsory, but your child will probably find next year harder if he hasn't been.
Most nursery teachers will also admit that they DO want to see what your house looks like - but that's because it's helpful for them when teaching your child. A kid with a SAHM and an immaculate house with white furnishings and carpets probably doesn't do much messy play. A kid with no siblings who doesn't see other kids on a regular basis might need more help playing with others. A kid who's never been apart from mum might need more help settling in, and given that, it's useful to be able to see that he loves trains and putting the trainset out might help. Etc. Of course, once the kid arrives, they might quickly discover that all these assumptions are bollocks, but if they aren't, it's good to have that bit of extra knowledge of where the kid is coming from. Ditto for plans around eg World Book Day - it's useful to know how much spare cash/time parents have, so you can plan appropriate activities. (Though I know that doesn't always happen.)
In your shoes, I would make looking at the nursery across the road a priority. It sounds like school think your kid will benefit from nursery, but the nearer nursery might be a better option for you. Although do bear in mind that they may want a home visit too.

CheerfulMuddler · 16/08/2017 01:50

And I'd try nursery in September at least. If it isn't right for your family, you don't have to keep sending him, but give it a term.

Sprinklestar · 16/08/2017 04:34

Honestly? It sounds like you're making excuses. Why can't he go to the centre across the road? Why not find a nursery that lets you use the hours over two full days? You don't have to use the school one...

There is loads of research showing the long term benefits of quality preschool education. Why wouldn't you want your child to access that? Personally I think it's really unfair on your son not to let him try as you can't be bothered with the journey. It's not like it's forever as presumably he'll be in reception next year. I spent last year with a similar 6 trips up and down to school - half days for one and full for the older one. It's what parents do!

ScissorBow · 16/08/2017 04:45

Just send him to the one opposite and tell them that.

Hmmalittlefishy · 16/08/2017 04:52

Do they definitely do home visits? I've never had one at 3 different nurseries or at school. They have all managed to accommodate the dc without any problems
Do they also only do half days? If they do full days and it suits you and your ds one full day could be an option that would help you.
You shouldn't be pressured into it. Look at the other nursery if that is what you want but otherwise just say 'no I've had a think and ds isn't going to nursery please don't ask again' then 'the answer is the same as last time please stop asking you are pressuring me'

Witsender · 16/08/2017 08:00

Tbh, if they are that persistent I would complain! Constantly being questioned would drive me mad. Nursery and preschool are far from essential, and to imply to a parent that it is (either on here or in person) is ridiculous

SuburbanRhonda · 16/08/2017 08:49

witsender

Can you point out the posts that say nursery is essential? I didn't see any.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 16/08/2017 10:42

I haven't found out about a nursery across the road yet as I'm in no rush!! Nothing about excuses yes I don't want him to go yet. I would rather he goes at 4 I don't need to find out about the nursery yet. The reason why they were saying it to me as it's for starting in September so there is a cut off point! My son has brothers and sisters a nieces and nephew and friends with other kids so he is hardly missing out. And no it isn't "what parents do" as
Loads of people drive some people go to closer schools. It also means my 3 year old will need to do that walking 4 times a day which I think it's abit much aswell. I don't think they do full days as they just asked me if I wanted morning or afternoon. And definitely is a home visit I've got the letter with the date the woman is intending on coming.

OP posts:
LIZS · 16/08/2017 10:48

Check how the children's centre one is run. They may also only have a September intake. Or be more flexible. To qualify for the funding your ds needs to be on the roll at a specific date each term. It sounds as if he has been enrolled at the school one, if he isn't going to go you need to tell them.

SaucyJack · 16/08/2017 11:12

Obviously you're not in a rush, as he's already missed one term and is about to miss another. Bit baffled as to why you want him to miss yet another one after that. Kids love it, they make friends, it's free. What's not to like?

Look.... honestly speaking.... nothing you've posted on here suggests that you're delaying pre-school because you think it's in your son's interests to miss out- only that you can't get your shit together and find a nursery offering hours that suit you, in a location that suits. The school may well have picked up on this, and are micro-managing you because they think you need it.

If you'd posted to say you didn't want your son to go to pre-school because you couldn't fit it in around forest school and Mandarin lessons with your bilingual nanny share, then you would have got very different responses. But you didn't.

Original poster
Letstryagainshallwe · 16/08/2017 11:23

I haven't had different responses 90% of the people agree with me apart from you lol. I don't want him to go yet. Not all children go to nursery. Infact I may nt send him at all. I am at home. You know nothing about my son. School starts at 4 that's early enough.

OP posts:
TestTubeTeen · 16/08/2017 11:33

Does nursery not start at the same time as school in the morning, or finish at the same time as school in the afternoon? I do get that the half day means one additional return trip, but I would use a scooter or bike.

Do you feel he isn't ready or doesn't need to go?

Home visits are an opportunity for a child to meet nursery carers in their own environment, not an inspection of your home. They certainly would not want to see his bedroom! Plus it is optional.

Anyway, up to you. But children do get a head start in early years / foundation. Are your other children thriving in school and doing well?

GahBuggerit · 16/08/2017 11:45

Seriously OP, you don't want to send him so don't, I think nursery can be beneficial but its not the be all and end all and like you say it wont be long before hes thrust into the (nowadays) pressurised environment that is school. It sounds like it will be a massive faff for you which could add to your stress.

I was in the fortunate position to not have to send one of my DC to nursery and it was lovely as he seemed to prefer being at home and out of the two hes the one who is doing far better academically.

BrutusMcDogface · 16/08/2017 11:48

They've sent you a letter with date she's planning on visiting?! Omg! Maybe you're not being assertive enough.

You need to spell it out. "My son will not be attending in September."

GahBuggerit · 16/08/2017 11:52

Oh god I missed that they have sent a letter!!

Agree with Brutus you need to be assertive. And definitely be out on the day of the visit just to drill it home. They sound unacceptably pushy.

Give me the schools number I'll bloody well tell em Grin

Orangepear · 16/08/2017 13:10

You definitely don't need to use the full 15 hours. At ours they do the hours as 2.5 days and we tried it but the half day was massively inconvenient with my baby's nap times etc so I withdrew DD1 from the half day. To be honest the other days weren't that convenient either but I'm glad I took her as they did far more with her than I would have.

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