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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mortified - AIBU to never go back?

82 replies

killinemnow · 14/08/2017 17:39

Horror.

I was 19 stone. Am now 15. Obviously, I'm still a whopper. (Am 5'2.)

But I have still lost 4 stone. So I feel a lot lighter than I was. And so at a real push to get skinny - or OK a healthy weight - before Christmas I joined a gym.

Today someone came up to me and said in hushed tones "We admire you so much, honestly, don't feel self conscious, well done!"

Blush

I DIDN'T feel self conscious.

NOW, I do!

I know, I know they were trying to be nice and all but I am horrified.

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 14/08/2017 19:23

*them

Original poster
killinemnow · 14/08/2017 19:24

Well, it is a bit. It's saying "I have noticed you, fat person, and I admire you, fat person, for doing something that many fat people do not do!"

OP posts:
SoftBlocks · 14/08/2017 19:25

Just don't comment on people's bodies. At all. They know whether they have lost weight/ gained weight/ are pregnant. They do not need you to tell them.

milliemolliemou · 14/08/2017 19:26

Just well done you OP and keep going to the gym. MUCH admiration.

YoullShootYourEyeOut · 14/08/2017 19:26

And to add, whether a size 24 or a size 8, no-one should be made to feel self conscious for going to the gym. But society has deemed that those of us who are not thin should hide at home in a kaftan and not subject others to our terrifying bodies in case fat is contagious. All women of all sizes, healthy or unhealthy deserve respect from others as fellow human beings instead of being judged and derided. This comment was not OK in any way, shape or form.

Mumof56 · 14/08/2017 19:27

Just well done you OP and keep going to the gym. MUCH admiration

Stop fat shaming

lucydogz · 14/08/2017 19:33

I think it's up to you how you take this, as you don't know the motives behind them saying it. (FWIW I think they were being nice). I think assuming that they were being nasty is a really long shot and, more importantly, will make you unhappy. Better to assume that (unless it's something horrible) people mean the best and act accordingly.
IMO it's a win-win situation.
Congratulations on the weight loss - it must feel so liberating.

mozza99 · 14/08/2017 19:51

Don't let idiots at the gym get to you, your fitness is your goal, keep going be strong.

colacolaaddict · 14/08/2017 19:58

Meh. It's not a conversation you'd ever have about someone though, is it? do you think your friends would? Your sister if you have one? It's not normal to talk about someone like that, then, especially, to TELL them! She is the one who should be mortified, not you.

Chin up and on you go. Btw what works for you, diet-wise? I can't even imagine successfully losing 4 stone, which doesn't help with me doing it.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/08/2017 20:09

There are all shapes at my gym but the golden rule is don't comment. She was out of order but dont let it stop you. These people are nobody to you. Your own health and goals are more impirtant. So head up and back in there.

Maelstrop · 14/08/2017 20:14

The person was clumsy, it's unfortunate that they felt it was ok to make a comment about your weight/you being at a gym. I would have asked them wtf they were on about and made them explain, but I'm a cow that way.

Ollivander84 · 14/08/2017 20:17

It does get annoying though. Some guy in the gym came over to tell me "you'll get there"
I was like get there with what? I'm not here for weight loss, I'm here for rehab because I can't feel one leg. May have been a bit touchy though after another man told me the day before that I would be better to lift heavier weights Hmm

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 14/08/2017 20:23

I think she was rude. I have an aunt and grandmother who insist on telling me I've lost weight every time I see them. I never have and it annoys me that they see fit to size me up and pass comment in this way. The aunt has been known to say I look better in certain clothing than when I'm wearing my usual 'bags'. I don't tell her when she looks less knackered than usual or that her hair looks less straggly when she has it cut, so I fail to see why she should comment on imagined improvements in my less-than-perfect appearance.

OP I would be going back there in spite of what that woman said. It's either patronising or insidious and you should carry on regardless.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/08/2017 20:26

Whenever I see someone who is clearly overweight at the gym I always think "good for you". I would never say anything though.

strawberrisc · 14/08/2017 20:32

What a ridiculous thing for them to say. This is one of many reasons I can't be arsed with strangers.

dollydaydream114 · 14/08/2017 20:32

It was massively patronising of her. Impossible to tell what her intentions were but seriously, ignore her. You've lost loads of weight and I really envy you! I bet you look great. Some people just can't comprehend the notion that gyms are for everyone and nobody needs special dispensation to attend.

You should sign up for a boxercise class and then every time you throw a punch you can imagine it's her.

Ketzele · 14/08/2017 20:34

It was a stupid thing to say and I fully understand why you are mortified. Don't give them the power, though: go back in with your head held high and keep straight on with your amazing achievement.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/08/2017 20:38

Patronising.
Ignore.

Morphene · 14/08/2017 20:43

I feel this way about people telling me I'm brave for being open about my mental illness. like..er...thanks...only you know you're just adding to the sense of 'othering' right?

Definitely just ignore them and keep on doing what you're doing.

simon50 · 14/08/2017 20:44

However it was meant, don't let this derail your all your hard work.

If they make you feel uncomfortable can you change the time you visit the gym ?

I'm 56 and only started back down the gym 16 months ago, after a 30 year lay off (at that time I had a paunch like I was about to give birth) I had one guy who fixed on me, telling me how I was doing everything wrong and how he was a alpine stunt man who only had to work 3 months a year.

You get twats where ever you go just rise above it.

Keep up the good work.

schoolgaterebel · 14/08/2017 20:46

Well done for the weight loss, you are inspirational!

Even though it was clumsily put, I think this is what they were trying to say.

WobblingWilma · 14/08/2017 20:59

OP, congratulations on your weight loss, that's brilliant!

I have a really obvious mobility impairment and walk in quite a... freestyle way... people say weird shit to me all the time - I was walking home one day and this lady I swear I have never noticed before in my life stopped me to say she sees me out and about all the time and thinks I am brilliant for just getting on with it.

It felt really intrusive, like she had been watching me all this time, and anyway for all she knows I'm a drug dealer and had just been out selling small children heroin, so how does she know I am brilliant? (NB: I hadn't.)

It's just feels really intrusive and patronising.

I struggle with my weight and have recently managed to lose two stone, slowly, over the course of a year, so know how difficult it is. Bloody well done.

I can't really use much gym equipment because of my disability, but I do go swimming. I don't really think about it but have had occasional 'encounters' like this. I was however very pleased when a woman stopped me and told me she hoped I didn't mind or think she was being presumptuous but she's epileptic and attends a session for disabled people at another local pool which is free, and she wanted to tell me. I was very happy with that one!

Don't let it stop you, tho.

neveradullmoment99 · 14/08/2017 21:00

Dont focus on the negative of what she said and use the comment to keep pushing yourself to the weight you want to be. Its the only way to go. Keep positive. You know you have lost weight and soon you will be the slimmer person you want to be.

frumpety · 14/08/2017 21:03

So how do you know that she hasn't also lost a lot of weight , that she was trying to be reassuring ?

Nomorechickens · 14/08/2017 21:07

There are lots of size 18 people at my gym, lots of older people (70s), flabby people, people with terrible dress sense, people with no sense of rhythm or direction who do zumba every week, all sorts. Mostly people aren't looking at you, they're more interested in looking in the mirror. So don't let her put you off.