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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask what you think of this? (parenting question)

61 replies

LapCatLicker · 14/08/2017 10:19

DH and I have a longstanding disagreement over how we discipline DS(6). I am going to give you a pretty much verbatim example of him disciplining DS and would be very interested to hear your views. (The AIBU will come after I get a sense of how people regard his tactics, I don’t want to lead anyone to a conclusion they wouldn’t get themselves IYSWIM)

DS “Can I play a video game?”
DH “No, you’ve been on a screen all day, find something else to do” (this is not the AIBU, we both agree to limit screen time, so far, so good)
DS (desperately trying not to cry but tearing up all the same) “Please can’t I play? There’s nothing else to do”
DH “Crying boys don’t get to play video games, crying boys get sent to bed early” (Which he never does, he just threatens to)

Any opinions on this?

OP posts:
sororitynoise · 14/08/2017 10:22

Sounds a bit shit but not the end of the world.

Decide on a discipline plan between you and stick to it.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 14/08/2017 10:24

A bit shit, there are a lot more efficient ways to deal with it. I hate it when kids are made to feel bad about crying.

missiondecision · 14/08/2017 10:25

Kids are meant to be bored aren't they? To help them find other interesting ways to pass the time.
I'd suggest a couple of things but I'm not an entertainment officer.
Can't see what you're getting at.

HighwayDragon1 · 14/08/2017 10:25

He needs to follow through with his threat, but there's nothing wrong with it. At 6 he should really be growing out of tantrums now

Armadillostoes · 14/08/2017 10:25

The comment about crying boys is awful! I don't think that is healthy at all-it suggests that ex pressing feelings is bad behaviour in itself. It also sounds as though it relates to a sexist 'boys don't cry' attitude.

Booboobooboo84 · 14/08/2017 10:26

bit crappy about the boys don't cry bollocks. Tbf if he's going to threaten to send him to bed for that he should.

But your child is six and should be able to accept no as an answer the first time by now

PinkHeart5911 · 14/08/2017 10:27

I agree with the limiting screen time and I would of said no to if he'd been on a screen all day, I mean a 6 year old must have other toys.

However your ds is 6 and I don't think " your go to bed early" needs to be said, your ds hasn't been naughty as such he just wants to play video games and cried when he didn't get his own way so I think a firm no and sticking to it is all that's needed.

XiCi · 14/08/2017 10:28

Is this really discipline or a situation that requires discipline? He asked to play a video game, you said no. He, like most kids pushed his luck and asked again and was again told no. Should be end of story really. Find the bit about 'crying boys' a bit of an odd thing to say though

EllaHen · 14/08/2017 10:29

Not great.

Children need to know the rules. So, decide on how much screen time, eg one hour and then 2 off and stick to it. Will be hard at first but once ds knows the rule he won't argue or try to persuade a parent.

Well, that works in our house.

No point in threatening something which won't be carried out. Ds has no incentive not to keep pushing his luck.

DoJo · 14/08/2017 10:32

I don't see the point in what he says- your son wasn't allowed to play video games anyway, so even if he'd stopped crying, the answer would have been the same. Would he really be sent to bed just for crying?

IWantACheeseburger · 14/08/2017 10:34

If I was having that conversation I would have said "of course there are other things to do you could do X,y or z or we could go and build some Lego together or whatever. Maybe he struggles to think of ideas for playing on his own? I wouldn't even really see it as a discipline issue tbh. He shouldn't be getting in trouble for wanting to do something he enjoys. Of course you are allowed to say no but he's entitled to feel a bit sad about it before hopefully accepting it and finding something else to do.
(Disclaimer I have a 4 year old so I'm just going by how he might react to a similar situation.)
Saying he shouldn't cry and threatening to send him to bed is a bit mean and an odd reaction tbh.

VulvalHeadMistress · 14/08/2017 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/08/2017 10:37

It's worth remembering that at 6, he's used to having a structured day at school where once he's finished one activity, he'll be directed to do another.

You could say, "Your screen time is over for today. So you can choose to do this or this next."

SuperBeagle · 14/08/2017 10:40

No need for him to mention "crying boys". This sort of rubbish is what leads to the stigma about emotional men and the myriad of mental health problems stemming from that

Talk about tantruming instead of crying. Don't equate the two.

And he needs to follow through with his threats. Otherwise, what on Earth is the point of making them? He's undermining himself at the moment, but soon it'll be your DS who's undermining him.

But your DH's hardline stance on discipline I have no problem with.

BrutusMcDogface · 14/08/2017 10:41

It's awful when boys (particularly) are told off for crying, because "boys don't cry".

BrutusMcDogface · 14/08/2017 10:42

Mind you, I would be cross if if were my six year old crying and saying "but there's nothing else to do!"

Ameliablue · 14/08/2017 10:46

Reading between the lines, it sounds as if your child is quite anxious/sensitive and your oh wants him to toughen up which I can understand why but not the best way to go about it.

bushtailadventures · 14/08/2017 10:49

I wouldn't have used the bit about boys crying, but then I've spent years teaching my boys that it is fine to show emotion, whatever type it is.

Threatening but not following up is silly too, doesn't teach them anything other than Dad is a bit wishy-washy.

I think he would have been better just telling him that there is lots of other things to do and maybe helped him find something.

eyebrowsonfleek · 14/08/2017 10:50

I've said the line about crying to my daughter and sons but with whinging/shouty rather than crying and helping me tidy up rather than going to bed. (Plus I carry it through)

My kids have said "There's nothing to do" , "there's nothing to eat" and it's very annoying having to suggest things. I might suggest stuff if it pops in my head but if they don't like what I said, I wouldn't go overboard trying to placate the kids.

Sistersofmercy101 · 14/08/2017 10:51

I would think that as he's six that response is rather harsh and unhelpful (NOT the screentime limit that's sensible!) at six wouldn't it be kinder to suggest other activities for him, eg "no, screentime is done for today but why don't we... play cards/board game /go to the park /do some baking /read a story /do some drawing... Etc etc" - just being told to go and do something else seems very dismissive and hurtful to me. Comes across as very "go away and stop being a nuisance" type of thing.
"boys don't cry" - NO NO NO. That is absolutely out of order and if this is indicative of attitude towards bringing up a male child (not a one off) and there are regularly toxic masculinity comments and attitudes, then it emotionally very very unhealthy and will lead that little boy to emotional problems and unhappiness. IMHO.

Benedikte2 · 14/08/2017 10:55

The bit about "crying boys" is not right, but is another issue.
However it's illogical to tell him that crying boys don't play video games as he has already been told he cannot play (crying or not).
He should be told the answer remains "no" and to go away and stop whingeing and if he keeps it up he won't get to play tomorrow either.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 14/08/2017 10:56

DH used to threaten random things he couldn't possibly follow up on (like 'well, if you keep doing that we'll have to think about whether you'll be getting any Christmas presents' Hmm ).

I pointed out a couple of times that it wasn't helpful to say such dramatic/ unrealistic things and he stopped. I think he'd had similar things said to him as a child and was just parroting. Maybe your DH is doing the same?

Original poster
LapCatLicker · 14/08/2017 10:57

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear from outside voices because my head is being tied in knots over this.

I think that the "crying boys" comments is shaming and is such a negative way to parent. MIL (DH's mum) has said this to DS too so I know where he gets it from. Funnily, we both agree roundly that she was a shit mother and is a shit grandmother and we limit her contact with DS.

He will sometimes mock him for things such as not liking a certain kind of food which I think is the same kind of shaming behaviour as the crying comment.

Yesterday it all came to a head and I challenged him on it directly. I was trying to tell him that I don't disagree with him being firm with DS when it comes to discipline but that he can do it in a more constructive way that validates DS's feelings yet still follows through. I usually try to say to DS something like "I can see you're upset but I'm afraid there will be no playstation. You'll be ok" and tend to just leave it at that and he gets over it very quickly. DH countered that he thinks it's logical that if he is so upset over not playing video games then there is something wrong with video games and he shouldn't be allowed to play with them Hmm. He says that he's just stating the facts that DS is crying and therefore isn't allowed to play video games. This to me is a very twisted logic because we had already said he wasn't allowed to play just because too much screen time isn't good for him. We didn't say he couldn't play because he was crying, this then makes it seem like he's being punished for crying, which isn't right IMO.

This ended up in a very fraught conversation and DH capitulated in a PA way saying he obviously doesn't know anything and it's always just him that has the problem and he can't do anything right. Just before bed he then gave another PA dig as we were discussing the coming week by saying something along the lines of "well, maybe you'll see me withdrawing a bit from doing things with DS since I'm not capable of parenting".

So AIBU for sticking to my guns and trying to make him see that it's the WAY he speaks to DS not WHY. And how do I do that? Or am I making too big a deal about this and creating conflict with DH unnecessarily?

p.s. to all the posters who say that DS should not be crying when he gets told no. I mostly agree. He doesn't usually get upset like that but he's been quite sensitive lately for some reason. I think this is an even bigger reason for being compassionate about his feelings and not shaming him.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 14/08/2017 11:00

So if he doesn't cry does he get the video game? No, he doesn't? Then yes my first thought exactly was he's trying to humiliate the boy. And at 6 its perfectly normally to get upset when you really want something - that's not a green light for all this drama from his Dad.

beargrass · 14/08/2017 11:01

The "crying boys" bit just means he will figure out not to cry so he can get his way (plus some other issues probably for another thread/time).

Agree with what others have said: have your limits and stick to them. Don't make threats you won't carry out...we know quite a few people who do this and their kids run rings round them because they know what their parents say to them rings hollow every time.

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