AIBU to ask what you think of this? (parenting question)

[LapCatLicker]

DH and I have a longstanding disagreement over how we discipline DS(6). I am going to give you a pretty much verbatim example of him disciplining DS and would be very interested to hear your views. (The AIBU will come after I get a sense of how people regard his tactics, I don’t want to lead anyone to a conclusion they wouldn’t get themselves IYSWIM)

DS “Can I play a video game?”
DH “No, you’ve been on a screen all day, find something else to do” (this is not the AIBU, we both agree to limit screen time, so far, so good)
DS (desperately trying not to cry but tearing up all the same) “Please can’t I play? There’s nothing else to do”
DH “Crying boys don’t get to play video games, crying boys get sent to bed early” (Which he never does, he just threatens to)

Any opinions on this?

I've come on here to have a moan about DH and his belittling comments to DS and to ask advice. (Thank you! some brilliant advice and also confirmation that this is definitely something that needs addressing)

I think that some posters are extrapolating this one aspect of DH into him being a shitty father. He's got some serious room to improve (don't we all?) but is not lazy at all. He spends loads of time with DH doing workbooks, games, reading, going out to parks and they do the same sport together as well as sharing the day-to-day stuff with me like dinner/bath/bed etc. He has a lot of really great qualities as a parent it's just how he sometimes speaks to DS that I'm concerned about. If he can't/won't improve then I'll think about further action but I'm hoping he'll see the light for DS sake.

I'm looking for ways to get him to change because my giving him shit and pulling him up when he says things that are inappropriate is just not working.

IHateUncleJamie, thank you. That response for his Passive Aggressiveness is spot on.

Well i would be getting rid of the idea that boys aren't allowed to cry.
I think if parents are hell-bent on restricting screen time they need to proactively provide fun alternative activities rather than prohibiting a kid from doing what they would enjoy and then forcing them to "entertain themselves" too.

Maybe your DH just needs some help on how to tackle it all more effectively.

Maybe getting him to say things like 'this isn't a reason to be crying and crying won't make me change my mind. I've said no screen time would you like to go and find something else to do or shall I find you something to tidy up'. He's obviously just copying his mum. Who probably also used pa methods to deal with him. He's clearly not a shit father or lazy cos they would have handed over the screen lol.

You both need to just unify approach. If your sons a fussy eater and it's becoming detrimental to meal times or his health then you both being firm will help. If it's just an unholy hatred of broccoli but he'll eat peas til they come out of his ears that's not worth stressing about

I would have just said "crying about it isn't going to change anything" and left it at that, then suggested something to do instead, threats of going to bed probably won't help.

the problem with saying 'crying isn't going to change anything' is that it implies that the person crying is doing so in a deliberately manipulative way it sounds to me like op's kid was disappointed not trying to manipulate or pull heart strings.

I can't stand this boys don't cry crap. Someone (I assume dh but he says not) told ds (3) good boys don't cry. I have explained to many times that good boys do cry, all boys and girls cry sometimes when they're upset and it doesn't make you good or bad, it is just a normal emotion. He has after a few weeks accepted this but I think it can be so damaging. Even if it is not said with any bad intention, it is so important to phrase things correctly to children as they are so literal.

I get what your saying museumum but it's important children do learn that crying just doesn't work and isn't appropriate. It's not implying it's manipulative behaviour more teaching your child that it's not a situation worth crying about. Especially appropriate if you do have a child that may need to toughen up and be self sufficient

I understand what he says as "you won't get what you want by crying, and if you continue you will get a punishment as crying to get what you want is not acceptable"
I would say something similar to my 3yo re tantrums. Maybe slightly different words but same message: you won't get what you are asking for, you can accept that and move on or you can throw a tantrum and 1) still won't get what you want, 2) be sent to your room for screaming.

I'd probably say something like 'Come on now, this isn't something to cry about - you've got lots of toys. Why don't you [suggestions for other things child likes doing] instead and you can play your video games again tomorrow.' But I'd say it in a kind voice, not a shouty/cross/impatient one.

Basically, I'd want to find a balance between helping them to learn that crying is an overreaction to being told you can't play a game, but also not making them feel ashamed for crying in general, if you see what I mean. I do think crying is a bit much for a 6-year-old on being told they can't play video games all day ... but equally I wouldn't want them to feel ashamed for crying in general, eg when they were hurt/frightened/lonely/have lost their favourite teddy/not been able to have a special day out because they're ill or something like that.

I think I can sort of see what your DH is trying to do, which is stop your son from being a bit OTT in his reactions to fairly minor things - but you are absolutely right that he's phrasing it the wrong way and making it seem a bit shaming. And also making it into more of a battle than it needs to be really.

@IHateUncleJamie, great post, that's what I was trying to say, but you put so eloquently.