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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU step child

74 replies

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 18:44

AIBU to want to sit down with my partner & his ex to talk about his step daughter (5) who seems really unhappy about being here and cries to go home or to see her mum, she's been coming here for over a year now regularly, I just want to sit down and ask her what she wants and put something in place to make her happier! Tia x

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 13/08/2017 18:45

It sounds like you have the bairn's best interests at heart so no YANBU. Could he have her during the day until she builds up the confidence to stay?

Crunchymum · 13/08/2017 18:47

Leave it to Dad to sort out.

Not sure how amicable everything is? But usually Stepmum is best to keep to the periphery, especially if they are relatively new (a year is new!!)

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 18:49

Notreally - I love her to death and want her to be happy, she's fine staying over normally, just this past week or so

Crunchy- he's her stepdad not her biological dad (who's a waste of space, would rather go to a festival than see his daughter on his day)

OP posts:

JadeT2 · 13/08/2017 18:51

My DSD still does this at 7 occasionally, and we've been together since she was 1. I think it's natural for children to miss their other parent when they've split up and they're away, and unfortunately it is normally their mum more. I don't think there is an awful lot to be done other than making sure she's having as great a time as possible. Does your partner spend good quality time with her?

Does she have a favourite toy or teddy that she could transfer? Mine has dreamcatchers at both houses for example which helps her. Mine's always worse at night because everything stops and she's alone with her thoughts.

Moanyoldcow · 13/08/2017 18:51

Sorry, could you clarify the relationships?

Is if your DP who is having contact with HIS step-daughter? Or is it his daughter and YOUR step-daughter?

Moanyoldcow · 13/08/2017 18:53

Cross post obviously.

So this child has contact with two different 'fathers' but lives with her mother?

sweetbitter · 13/08/2017 18:53

YANBU, how achievable do you think it is? Are you all on reasonable terms?

PotteringAlong · 13/08/2017 18:54

I think it's his stepdaughter who he still sees even though the relationship with her mother broke down.

missmollyhadadolly · 13/08/2017 18:55

Love her to death?

Do you think you might be a bit full on with her?

Pengggwn · 13/08/2017 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 18:59

It's his step daughter (my step step daughter?😂) we take her out with her brother (my partners son) who's 1 & play with her as much as we can but it's like she's unable to play on her own, we set things up for her like painting but it only lasts 10 minutes or so then she's bored again, any tips on how to combat her boredness?

I think we could do it but my partner refuses to even mention it to her saying that she won't

She sees her bio dad once a week if he can be arsed (sun) and comes to us thurs-sun one week and wed-sat the next whilst ex is working

OP posts:

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:02

Missmolly - I love her like my own?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 13/08/2017 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoHoHoHo · 13/08/2017 19:02

If either of dps daughters seemed unhappy and I thought I could help I wouldn't hesitate to do so.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:04

Peng- damned if you do damned if you don't
About 2/3 years, apparently she wants to come here when she's at her mums so I don't know, that's why I thought that we could all sit and talk x

OP posts:

HoHoHoHo · 13/08/2017 19:05

I posted halfway through.

I think that if she's visibly unhappy then of course you should try and find out why so you can rectify it.

Step parents get criticised on here no matter what they do. If you did nothing you'd be accused of not caring.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:06

Hoho- I thought I could speak to dsd and be a neutral party to help her tell them both what she wanted but it won't work unless we all sit and talk x

OP posts:

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 13/08/2017 19:08

I think if this has only been happening "this past week or so" t's a bit premature to have a big sit down chat about it. It's probably something acute (an illness coming on?) which could well resolve by next week.

JacquesHammer · 13/08/2017 19:09

I think that's a great idea and you sound like a lovely stepmum (and your DP sounds a great dad to maintain contact with a child who isn't biologically his).

Maybe sitting her down and asking how she would like to spend the time? Give her a day that is "her" day and she gets to plan everything from what you eat to what you do? (within reason obviously!)

SaucyJack · 13/08/2017 19:09

Does she see him as a father, or as her mum's ex-P?

There might not be an easy to answer to this if it becomes clear she doesn't want to maintain this level of contact with a step-father and a new step-step-mum.

Doesn't mean that the question shouldn't be asked tho- or that you don't have her best interests at heart.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:11

Dailymail - she says she doesn't want to be there nearly every week just the crying for her mum that's been happening recently, I should of been clearer, apologies x

OP posts:

Rossigigi · 13/08/2017 19:13

I think it's a really good idea to
Sit down together. You've her best interest at heart and sound like a fab step step mum!

Crunchymum · 13/08/2017 19:15

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

It's your DP's stepchild? And he has another child? A 1yo? And you've been together a year and having this child stay?

Can you clarify, please.

MissionItsPossible · 13/08/2017 19:16

No, you're not BU and you should do so at the earliest opportunity.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:16

She calls him by his name but seems jealous when I call him daddy when speaking to her brother, i just feel sorry for her as she doesn't seem to have stability

She was acting up even more than usual this weekend and my partner was at the end of his tether and shouted at her (I had a word with him and said he shouldn't of) and then he dropped her off with her mum at her work (also shouldn't have happened) I think we just all need a chat for the sake of dsd

OP posts:

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