Page 3 | AIBU step child

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 2017-08-13T17:44:18+00:00

AIBU to want to sit down with my partner & his ex to talk about his step daughter (5) who seems really unhappy about being here and cries to go home or to see her mum, she's been coming here for over a year now regularly, I just want to sit down and ask her what she wants and put something in place to make her happier! Tia x

SleepyHeadThisTime · 13/08/2017 20:47

OP this is an odd situations hit it sounds like you care deeply for her and have her best interests at heart. This situation surely can't continue - I think you have the right idea wanting to sit down with your OH and DSD's mum to talk through a happier arrangement - keep pushing for this. Best of luck to you

TestTubeTeen · 13/08/2017 20:47

"she's unable to play on her own, we set things up for her like painting but it only lasts 10 minutes or so then she's bored ". This is what 5 year olds are like! Much of the time. But especially when they are desperate for attention.

Other posters have spotted the problem: she is down the pecking order and very insecure.

Pantryboy · 13/08/2017 21:01

Ahh bless her , you are very kind to be so caring OP . I feel so sorry for the little girl she is obviously missing her mummy and this is entirely normal. I think you need to have that talk with her asap. Thank you for being so good to her you are a good soul.

eyebrowsonfleek · 13/08/2017 22:59

With regards to playing on her own- she's insecure and unhappy so of course she's not going to play on her own. It sounds like her parents are not giving her attention so she's going to demand yours. (Stepdad and you)

When she is setup with an activity, do you (you or partner) play with her brother one on one? With an insecure child, her sibling getting what she wants (adult attention) is going to have her misbehaving and not playing on her own.

MrsAmaretto · 14/08/2017 00:01

Goodness what a chaotic family set up this wee girl has. Her biological parents really need to step up, no wonder she has issues!

Isadora2007 · 14/08/2017 00:14

I'm confused about this girl and how many siblings she has.
One post said one baby sibling but another said two.
As I see it this girl has mum dad then previous step dad (PSD) plus PSDs girlfriend. Okay? Then she has half brother who is her mums and her PSDs bio child? Am I still right? When PSD has baby he gets her too for that time, correct?
But PSDs gf has another child? Is that right or not?
And child sees own dad as well.

I am guessing she has some attachment issues due to lack of consistent caregiving in her family life and men being in and out. And now her PSD is being called daddy to her brother but he isn't actually
Her daddy. But her daddy isn't exactly reliable? And mum seems content to pass her from pillar to post. Surely she deserves some one to one time with her mum while baby bro goes to his (actual?) dad.

Poor bloody kid. I wish some people would actually put their kids ahead of their happiness sex lives

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/08/2017 00:36

Did i read that right that it's just been this week and she usually loves being with you? Is she possibly just tired/not feeling well so just wants her mum?

She's 5 and has had quite some upheaval in her life. She spends more time with you than she does either of her real parents and is probably feeling a little abandoned and jealous of her brother, who is presumably just getting to the age where she sees you both sitting and playing with him. can you make some extra one on one time for her?

WashingMatilda · 14/08/2017 02:18

As a stepmum I'm saying this set up is weird and potentially damaging

Magicnumbers · 14/08/2017 07:56

Not a huge amount to add here, only that consistency and patience will be the name of the game here. And that it's great you and DP care so much. That's more than many children have. Feeling wanted and loved is one of the most important things for a child.

Is there an option for her to return to her Mum after a day with you? That would mean she still has contact with you and DP but is not too long away from her mum. Would give it more time than a week though.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 14/08/2017 12:44

They (my partner & ex) had a sit down last night and the only thing that came back was that if she wants to go home then she'll have to wait til ex has finished work then she can go back for the night, I've been trying to encourage more one on one time with dsd and her mum but that ends up being ex going to her friends so dsd can play with her child, her bio dad has been given chance after chance to see her but keeps letting her down by not turning up.

The mum would prefer her to stay here so she doesn't have to pick her up/drop her off

I really feel sorry for her and want to do what I can to fix it for her as she's such a lovely little girl and none of this is her fault, I've tried backing off a bit in the past and letting her spend time with my partner but she always comes to find me and ask me why I'm not playing with them/going on a walk with them/ etc and I feel cruel not to if that's what she wants

Most of the time she has more of our attention than her brother as we are trying to keep her occupied (making cakes, getting her to paint us pictures whilst we tidy up the rest of the house, etc) or we try and make her play with her brother

OP posts:

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:53

You love her like your own? How long can you even know her if he has a baby with someone else in the meantime?

She has a mother, and a father. Does mother have a partner? Does father? How many parents does one child need?

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 14/08/2017 13:19

Mother has had one partner that hasn't worked out and I'm not sure about the father

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 14/08/2017 18:35

This really is so sad. The mum really needs to be pushed into stepping up here. It's lovely that you're so caring, OP, but what you and your partner are doing is enabling her to neglect her DD. You really need to step back, if you're not available so much her mum will be forced to take responsibility for her.

If you're happy to continue to do childcare while mum is at work then you really need to make it clear that it's only during working hours.

The little girl needs to know where she belongs, I agree that it sounds like attachment disorder.

WashingMatilda · 14/08/2017 21:05

what you and your partner are doing is enabling her to neglect her DD.

This. Sorry.
She is not you nor your partners SD and, whilst in different circumstances I would say he could potentially still be in her life after him and her mum have separated, this is doing her more harm than good.

HoHoHoHo · 14/08/2017 21:10

I can't believe some posters are criticising the op for loving the poor little girl too much. Would it better if the op didn't give a shit?

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 21:15

I would consider contacting social services her mother is not parenting her child. You sound lovely but this girl has been let down and is confused. Do you think her dm would let you adopt her?

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 21:16

I say that as you clearly care for the little girl and she seems to be an inconvenience to her mother. This step up needs addressing and I think some advice from some professional would be useful in order to move forward

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 21:22

Do you think her dm would let you adopt her?

Do you think her mother would let her be adopted by 2 completely unrelated individuals in whose home she cries and asks to go home and she is shouted at? Do you think social services would?
Do you think that's how adoption works?

PollyFlint · 14/08/2017 21:32

To be honest you seem to be the only person in the whole set-up who really cares about this little girl and wants the best for her.

I'm not surprised she is difficult/upset. She has had zero stability in her life and is being shifted around from pillar to post with new step-parents and siblings suddenly appearing in her life all the time. And awful lot has happened to her in an incredibly short space of time.

I really don't know what the answer is but you said that during the day she usually likes being with you and follows you around like a little shadow - so is it actually when your DP is around that she's unhappy? Given that your DP and her mum split up when her mum was pregnant, do you think perhaps she might have seen some behaviour from your DP that worries her? Aggressive arguments between him and her mum, perhaps? (Not saying he is abusive, just that she might have witnessed some horrible rows.)

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/08/2017 21:39

I know you are doing your best here, however, what happens if you and your partner split up? This little girl is going to be even more lost and confused.

Her mother and father really need to step up to the plate and be responsible parents.

If anything happened to this little girl neither you nor your partner have parental responsibility - you couldn't give consent if medical attention was required.

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 15/08/2017 10:29

Misery - the fact neither of us have parental responsibiltly worries me, we had them both whilst she went on holiday for a week (which was very hard as it was 5 day after I'd had a major operation so couldn't do much with them or lift/carry the smallest) and the whole time I was worrying that she might do something that required the hospital and then nobody would be able to give concent, I don't think they would allow her mum to give concent over the phone if she'd been drinking all day would they?

OP posts:

Original poster

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 15/08/2017 10:33

I really don't want to speak badly of her mother but she's also left dsd with us when dp was violently ill, he couldn't even walk & was throwing up every half hour, whilst she took dss for a 'modelling shoot' miles away and all she said was 'just open some windows' when we told her he was ill

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 16/08/2017 08:10

Do you think her dm would let you adopt her?

Do you think her mother would let her be adopted by 2 completely unrelated individuals in whose home she cries and asks to go home and she is shouted at? Do you think social services would?
Do you think that's how adoption works? confused

Op is actually having this little girl more than her own mother and has done for atleast over a year. So the idea of adoption isn't excately off the cards if they contacted social services and explained the situation of what's been going on. I meantioned adoption as op clearly loves the little girl and she may benefit for a more stable upbringing. Also adoption does involve placing a child with parents who they don't know atleast in this case this girl will have also established some relationships with op and her dp.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 16/08/2017 14:58

Even if she was to be adopted do you think it would be by the ex stepfather who left her mother while pregnant, and who shouts at the child and can't control her? And what of the girls half brother, the OP's boyfriends child? Would he be adopted as well, or would he stay with his mother?
It's not like OP wants to adopt 2 children out of the blue anyway, she already has a child with this delightful man....