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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU step child

74 replies

Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 18:44

AIBU to want to sit down with my partner & his ex to talk about his step daughter (5) who seems really unhappy about being here and cries to go home or to see her mum, she's been coming here for over a year now regularly, I just want to sit down and ask her what she wants and put something in place to make her happier! Tia x

OP posts:
13Bastards · 13/08/2017 19:18

When she asks to go home- do you ever take her back?

Original poster
Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:19

Crunchy - His relationship wasn't working when she was pregnant so they parted ways, we got together and she needed someone to have her daughter when she went back to work so we said we'd have her when we have his son & that's how it's worked for ages

OP posts:
Original poster
Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:20

13- normally we can't cause exs at work but we said she could see her last night but ex phoned her up and said that if she stays here and goes to bed then she'll give her a treat when she sees her

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 13/08/2017 19:24

I appreciate you are (both) trying to do your best but it's pretty fucked up.

This 5yo has had a useless Dad, a stepdad who she calls by his name and was around for 2-3 years there is a massive difference between 2 and 3 years by the way and then another baby on the scene and then you appear as well.

It's chaotic and unsettling. No wonder the poor little thing is so fraught. If you only have her when baby is there she must feel so displaced.

The mum in this situation has a lot to answer for.

Viviennemary · 13/08/2017 19:25

I think having contact with three different parents at three different houses must be bit unsettling and difficult for a child. Don't know what the answer is though. Could you just have her for a few hours during the and she goes home at night for the time being. I agree with trying to find out if there's anything else wrong.

Pengggwn · 13/08/2017 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 19:25

God he didn't give it much chance did her to leave her when she was pregnant did he then immediately gets with you who claims to love his step daughter. Thing is she's not his step daughter and definitely not your step step daughter. The whole situation must be extremely confusing for her. If she's goes to your house and then her fathers when does her mother have her? Surely the fact your also having her baby db involved in his life so quickly and living together is extremely fast. This girl is telling you she doesn't want to be there and wants to be with her mother. Your dp and yourself need to slowly take a step back and remove yourselves from being so involved in her life.

Genghi · 13/08/2017 19:26

5 yo's aren't oblivious - I'm guessing she's insecure because her only stable father figure left her mom, but at the same time wasn't stable enough for her to call him dad. How are interactions between her and your DP when they're together? If they are overshadowed by his interactions with her brother, then he needs to make more of an effort.

Original poster
Easypeasylemonsqueezee · 13/08/2017 19:28

We can't uninvolve ourself, I don't want her feeling like she's lost me as well, she loves being here in the day, she's like my little shadow

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 19:30

She doesn't even no you. You talk that you've been in her life for years. This set up is not normal. Her mother has a lot to answer for passing her around. She won't know where she's coming and going.

Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 19:33

This little girl is telling you she wants to go back to her mothers. I think the best thing would reduce contact to once a week then every other week.

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/08/2017 19:34

What happens if you both have a child together? This little girl is going to feel even more pushed out.

Where is the continuity in her life - here one night, somewhere else another then with her biological father another day?

So many different people introduced into her short life - none of which she has any control over.

Does her mother have a new boyfriend?

Crunchymum · 13/08/2017 19:37

What about if you and DP have a child? Or break up? What then?

Given the fluidity of the relationships you mention, it all seems very unstable.

I wouldn't bother speaking the mum, she clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about her child's well being.

Young kids need stability, consistency and routine.

As you are now in her life and her mum seems to useless, then make damn sure you provide what she needs. I feel more sorry for this child with every post I read.

You sound decent enough OP, but surely you can see how fucked up this is?

DonutCone · 13/08/2017 19:37

I honestly think this set up is very strange. The child has her own Father. He missed one weekend to go to a festival, it doesn't sound like something that would happen every week.

I think your boyfriend needs to take step back and let the child built a relationship with her real parent.

Crunchymum · 13/08/2017 19:41

Exactly how much childcare do you provide? How often is she with you?

Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 19:42

It reads to me like the little girls mother can't be bothered to be a parent to her dd. Normal parents would get childcare to cover when they at work. They wouldn't expect their ex who isn't even their child's father and new partner to have their child for half the week. Then have their child's DF also have them. In effect the mother has her child 3 days out of 7 that your aware of its possible her family could also be having her child. This is not acceptable amount of time for a 5year old to be away from her primary caregiver.

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/08/2017 19:52

Just out of curiosity how old are you, OP? How old is the little girls mother and your partner?

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/08/2017 19:58

Taken from your other unanswered thread...

""My partners little girl is 5 nearly 6 and is absolutely awful at listening to anything we say, we have to repeat ourselves a million times before she even begins to think about doing what we've asked her to do, the only way she does what we ask straight away is if he shouts at her which we hate doing! She doesn't even listen when we tell her to stay with us in a busy supermarket, she runs off and we have to run after her so nothing happens to her, she sometimes turns to look at us if we shout for her to come back but then continues to run off! She's constantly putting none food items in her mouth too, even though we tell her time and time again not to and that she might choke if she puts things she's not suppose to in her mouth, we've bought her a teething necklace thing for her to chew on as we thought as long as she has something safe to put in her mouth then she can still chew but it'll Ben safe, but she's not really used it, she prefers putting tiny things in her mouth. We've tried so many things to get her to listen to us but she just doesn't, it's getting such hard work now, especially as we need her to start being a bit more independent as we have 2 little ones under 2, what can we do?? Tia"

Underthemoonlight · 13/08/2017 20:03

The update from your previous thread clearly shows such a damage girl who clearly wants her mother and has been placed in an environment she is not happy or comfortable

Brittbugs80 · 13/08/2017 20:09

It sounds like you are being used for free childcare as you only have her when Mom is at work.

If you're intent on sitting her Mom down for a chat, you should involve her Dad as well. Going to a festival for one weekend doesn't make a bad parent.

There is obviously a huge back story behind this and I've a feeling the Mom is playing you all.

eyebrowsonfleek · 13/08/2017 20:12

Both posts together show a very damaged girl who is being failed by her parents. She has 3 homes to visit in 7 days! What is her mum thinking? Poor kid...

My advice based on post 1 is that you don't need a meeting yet. Everyone has bad weeks and it will take time to work out if this is a blip or something to worry about.

My advice based on post 2 is can't one of you shop while the other stays at home with her? Alternatively you could put her in the trolley so she can't escape. Her behaviour is of a child who is insecure and needs attention.

My advice based on both posts is she needs reassurance and stability. Her mum shouldn't have her at 3 houses in a week. You wouldn't put a child in 3 different nurseries per week. This is the same thing and Im not surprised that she's acting up.

shivermytimbers · 13/08/2017 20:19

What crunchy said.
Also, and this might be completely off the Mark, but I wonder if it's the whole truth when men leave pregnant women, like your ex did, and then try to make it sound like a mutual decision (completely prepared to accept that I'm jumping to conclusions - it's just always my first though)

shivermytimbers · 13/08/2017 20:19

Though = thought

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/08/2017 20:28

I'm assuming the other child under two is your own, OP.

Someone needs to be a main caregiver to this little girl. Otherwise her behaviour(s) will escalate.

3 different environments with 3 different sets of rules and boundaries I'd imagine. Then there will be extended families tossed into the mix.

I'm an adult - that lack of continuity would unsettle me - however, I'd be able to articulate my feelings using words - this little girl hasn't mastered that yet - so she TELLS everyone through her behaviour.

Corcory · 13/08/2017 20:47

Much of the behaviour displayed by this LO is just like our adopted DD who has attachment disorder.