AIBU *NOT* to make my child share her most favourite toy?

[Quiettiger]

DD is 2 1/2 and is obsessed with Paw Patrol. The day before yesterday, DH bought her Zuma and his hovercraft as a surprise. She was over the moon and it has gone everywhere with her, including bed. She is very possessive over it.

Yesterday, she had a play date with her 3 year old friend (lets call him A). He is also obsessed with Paw Patrol and tried to take said toy off DD who was playing with it. DD refused to give it to him and A told me that DD "wasn't sharing nicely".

I told him that DD didn't want to share at the moment and that we had lots of other toys to play with. A's mum backed me up and he went and got something else to play with. When DD then put the toy down to do something else, A took the toy to play with it, and when DD wanted it back, I told her it was now A's turn to play with it, because she put it down and he'd starting playing with it. She went and got something else. So far, no drama.

Both A's mum and I are of a similar opinion that it's OK not to give something to someone else just because they demand it - especially if it's a "prized" possession. I also think it teaches the ability to have boundaries and be able to say no to someone. DD is in general a generous child who shares and plays well, as is A, who is a lovely kid.

Later, I was explaining what had happened to another friend who also has a 3 year old (lets call him B) and I said my attitude was that if the toy was available, then who ever wanted it played with it until they put it down, but they didn't have to share just because someone demanded it. She was appalled, accused me of teaching my child to be selfish and told me my example of "you wouldn't give an adult your mobile phone just because they demand it" analogy was ridiculous.

Who is the unreasonable one here? Is it me because I'm happy for my child to say no about sharing and respect that, or is it her for thinking you should share everything without question? We have had issues in the past where her child, B, has just snatched toys off DD and told her that "it's mine now because we're sharing", resulting in lots of tears from DD so I'm happy to be told this is clouding my judgement.

Sometimes I think adults never learned how to share.

You are correct. B is unreasonable

I think you're fine, sharing doesn't mean handing something over because someone else demands it there and then

Yanbu

I'm with you. Both adults and children should be allowed to have things they consider special. The only thing I would add is if your daughter didn't want to share a special toy, it should be put away during playdates as it's unreasonable not to expect another child to want to pick it up and play with it.

I do see your point. There are a couple of toys my DDs have that aren't for sharing - mainly thier bedtime comfort toys.

However, I do think that since you knew this other child was a paw patrol fan, it would have been kinder to put the prized toy away for the duration of the play date. It would have been easier all round if he couldn't see it. I do think your DD playing with it in front of him and refusing to share is a bit mean.

To be honest, the putting away thing didn't even occur to me - I think I'll be doing that next time!

I think that it's ok to have a prized possession that your DD keeps to herself as long as you teach her to share other toys . It's difficult for kids this age though to differentiate between the value of items ( either sentimental or monetary ) so I would just put her Paw Patrol stuff out the way when friends come round.

I don't think sharing means handing over a favourite toy, but if there's only one ride on toy/policeman hat/ whatever at toddler group equally just hogging it all session isn't good either. So yes teach sharing of general toys or turn taking and "2 mins then x go" like on swings etc. but definitely special toys don't get shared unless the owner wants to.

You also don't want to be the parent to a child who won't let a friend play with any of their toys because "they're mine."

Have you seen the Bing Bunny episode about sharing? Flop was quite right (as are you) in my opinion; there are lots of toys that kids share but your most favourite one is different.

It would be like me asking my almost 3 year old to share his Mr. Bunny with another child. I wouldn't expect him to, and would never ask him to. (Although he does shove Mr. Bunny at me to make me "feel better" if I'm unwell or unhappy.)

I agree with you. Why should kids be forced to share every toy with everyone.

Anyway, she did share it. Boy A played with it after DD had finished. Why should she have to give it up whilst playing with it?
You friend might not agree with the phone example but what about when you go to a play park? DD goes on a swing. 1 minute later another child wants to go on it. Do you get DD out after 1 minute or would the other child have to wait to have their go!

Ha what Creme said. Good cross post.

And yes to putting away anything you don't want to play with. We used to put Lego models up high.

It's fine for her to have a special thing but maybe when friends come over say to your dd that it is going to be put away to keep it special.

Sometimes I put toys away if they can't share it other wise if children are at house to play then toys are shared. I don't deny it can be really hard for them but they will be nicer and have better manners because of it.. If a kid snatches something they have to give it back for a turn but I make sure the get their turn.

The only things we don't share in this house at all are their comforter toys they have had since babies but they don't attract much attention because they are old and manky.

YANBU.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share/amp

it's a good lesson to teach kids not to just hand over something that matter to them just because another person demands it from them.

Well done and keep up good work

Definitely okay not to share it, but she shouldn't play with it in front of guests if she doesn't want to share. It's a bit unfair on the guest to see her having fun with it and then not being allowed a turn, and not a polite way to treat them.

I agree with you op.

I always gave my children the opportunity to put particular favourites away before friends came over. Anything not specifically put away had to be shared.

YANBU. And in any case your DD did share with her DS. He played with it when she put it down and vice versa. She just didn't hand it over when he asked but what's the issue there? Plenty of other things to play with and it seems like it wasn't an issue for the children anyway.

As PP have said it reminds me of the Bing episode!

Yanbu. I've always had a policy where if we're seeing other children I ask DS/DD if they're happy to let play with , and if they say no then I tell them that we'll put it away until they're away so that there's no fighting over it. Equally if we're at someone else's house I don't allow them to snatch another child's obviously preferred toy, on the same principle and usually say "so and so is playing with that, would you like it if they took your while you were playing?". It's worked well.

I would put away any toys like this, and do encourage my DC to share. Yes of course they will have toys they don't want to share, but before having friends over to play I will encourage them to put these up high/in my room unless they are willing to share.

What's the drama, there was no issue

Yes, we'll certainly be putting toys like that away next time - especially if B is over.

A is not a problem, because both DD and he understand the "take turns" thing, and they were sharing the toy, just not handing it over to each other straight away, but I'm going to avoid hassle next time by prior toy removal!

OK clearly I have forgotten how to read. She DID let him have a turn with it. Ignore me.

Look up Elmo share train on U tube. I used this episode with very young DC it even has a song! It addresses fav toys