AIBU *NOT* to make my child share her most favourite toy?

[Quiettiger]

DD is 2 1/2 and is obsessed with Paw Patrol. The day before yesterday, DH bought her Zuma and his hovercraft as a surprise. She was over the moon and it has gone everywhere with her, including bed. She is very possessive over it.

Yesterday, she had a play date with her 3 year old friend (lets call him A). He is also obsessed with Paw Patrol and tried to take said toy off DD who was playing with it. DD refused to give it to him and A told me that DD "wasn't sharing nicely".

I told him that DD didn't want to share at the moment and that we had lots of other toys to play with. A's mum backed me up and he went and got something else to play with. When DD then put the toy down to do something else, A took the toy to play with it, and when DD wanted it back, I told her it was now A's turn to play with it, because she put it down and he'd starting playing with it. She went and got something else. So far, no drama.

Both A's mum and I are of a similar opinion that it's OK not to give something to someone else just because they demand it - especially if it's a "prized" possession. I also think it teaches the ability to have boundaries and be able to say no to someone. DD is in general a generous child who shares and plays well, as is A, who is a lovely kid.

Later, I was explaining what had happened to another friend who also has a 3 year old (lets call him B) and I said my attitude was that if the toy was available, then who ever wanted it played with it until they put it down, but they didn't have to share just because someone demanded it. She was appalled, accused me of teaching my child to be selfish and told me my example of "you wouldn't give an adult your mobile phone just because they demand it" analogy was ridiculous.

Who is the unreasonable one here? Is it me because I'm happy for my child to say no about sharing and respect that, or is it her for thinking you should share everything without question? We have had issues in the past where her child, B, has just snatched toys off DD and told her that "it's mine now because we're sharing", resulting in lots of tears from DD so I'm happy to be told this is clouding my judgement.

I don't agree with putting the toy away
I work with young children and we don't force them to share
What we do if a child tries to take a toy away is to say to both children that A is playing with it and when A is finished then B can have a turn
Distraction is then needed here to keep B from fixating on what they can't have
Most times A theme hands over the toy when they have finished, and when they do their mat bexaclnowlwdged by the adult as a kind act of sharing

how are children expected to learn social skills if adults don't give them opportunities to practice? Children need to get it wrong before they get it right

I think you are exactly right (and also, yes, if it was a different child, who would have kicked up a fuss when she left the toy and someone else touched it, I would probably have persuaded her to put it away when there were guests - but you knew it would be fine because they're both reasonable kids)

Biscuits are for enforced sharing, toys are for reasonable sharing.

Next time you are at B's house could you take a bag of washing so she can share her washing machine with you?

Children this young don't really play cooperatively so sharing isn't really relevant. Just taking turns which has to be supervised by an adult anyway. All this will pass and seem quite trivial in a few years time.

I think the OP is a bit confusing. On one hand it's all about the DD obsession and possessiveness over the toy and not having to share it, on the other, it's about not letting a child snap a toy from their hand. The two are totally different things.

Snapping a toy from someone's hand is totally unacceptable. Kids should learn to take turns. However, it is also not nice for a child to tantalise the other, play with it in a way to make them envious, making them wait a long time to be able to play with it themselves and taking control of the whole situation.

My DD was great at sharing, often suggested it, even with her preferred toys, but then had a habit of wanting to tell them how they should go about to play with them! I had to explain that sharing was great, but it was also about letting her friends play with it as they enjoyed it.

All those social skills is what they learn at nursery. It's complex with not always distinct boundaries so it can take times. In the end, some kids will be more popular than others because they will just be nicer.

Well I hope YANBU because these are our house rules between our DC. Also, we have special toys they aren't required to share ever if they don't want to, like their favourite cuddly toy.

Most times A theme hands over the toy when they have finished, and when they do their mat bexaclnowlwdged by the adult as a kind act of sharing
It's not sharing anymore when you give something to someone you're not interested in longer. I agree with teaching children to wait their turn, that's the right thing to do, but it is as important to teach the other to not tease and keep something just for the pleasure of making the other person wait.

Waiting for a child is a hard concept to learn. It's all about delay gratification. There was a programme that was testing 5yo how long they would be prepared to wait to have 3 sweets rather than going for one only right away.

I personally hated the kids who clearly took pleasure in controlling a situation by making kids wait to have what they had. These tended not to grow to be very popular and their parents often couldn't understand why they struggled to make friends when they were at school.

I used this technique with my kids (I learned it for a neighbours nanny). If A has a toy and B wants it, then B has to ask A nicely "when you are finished, may I have a turn please". A is required to say yes (if they dont, the toy goes on a time out) most children will say yes easily when asked like this. Then A finishes their turn and hands it over to B. Sometimes A might need a little encouragement to finish up in a reasonable time, but knowing a friend is waiting for their turn and knowing that they can ask for another turn as soon as they want another go is usually enough to help the process along.

I particulaly liked this method as it kind of mirrors what I want them to do in RL, recognise they want something, ask nicely and wait until its their turn.

I wouldn't put the toy away I think you and dd behaved perfectly fine! You told him no when dd had it and her no when the other child had it! That's teaching sharing, hiding the toy isn't! I think you were spot on op.

I think everything that happened was fine, and your DD behaved fine and shared. I think B maybe was thinking/assuming the case of a child who doesn't want to hand over toy, but then keeps it for the whole play session, preventing any other child having a go. I think that would be unfair, and if the child keeps one toy for say > 30 mins, an adult should persuade them to relinquish it - but nothing like that happened.
If a toy is so precious the child can't eventually share, it should be put away when other DCs are around.

I worked in a children's nursery for 13 years and our rules were the same as what you did. If one child continually dominated a particular toy we would sometimes give them a time limit and say they had to share at the end of it. Toys which regulary caused arguments were put away for a while.

Many moons ago when I was very green and doing work experience in a nursery, there was a child eyeing up a toy that another had. I naively suggested sharing. The one with the toy looked at me, sighed, and handed it over to the other child. That's when I realised that children that age don't often play together, so this child took "share" to mean "hand it over". Poor kid!
Reading other posts, it seems that some adults never learned the actual meaning. :o

Sharing doesn't mean giving away a toy just because someone else wants it.

It means taking turns and being prepared to see someone else using that toy.

My eldest son (4) has a few very precious toys he's not good at sharing. I used to have a rule that if we were having a play date he had an option to put those toys away so that they couldn't be played with. But if I put them away then they were away for the whole day - not just the play date. He took me up on it a few times. And then he decided sharing was better.

If sharing meant giving up a toy whenever anyone else eyed it up then my 3 would never get to play with anything for longer than about 10 seconds.

Sharing means

I totally agree with you. I never make my son 'share' things that are special to him. It's pretty obvious to me when he's being bratty, or genuinely just finds something precious. It wound me up quite a lot when he was smaller (he's 6 now) because as an adult, even a teenager, if your mate comes round and starts digging around your belongings you are perfectly within your rights to say 'actually, can you not' why does it have to be different for small children? My son is great at sharing, but some things are special. And that's ok.

Posted too soon.

I do have a rule that if a toy is out then it's fair game and you have to be willing to share or take turns. Both on play dates and between siblings.

But if you're actually using something you don't have to give it up just because someone else wants it, but you do have to be willing to finish your turn within a reasonable time and let the other person have a go. If it's proving a struggle then I have a 5 minute egg timer that gets brought out.

Sharing means being willing to allow someone else to use it if it's not in use. It doesn't mean handing something over immediately.

You are right, B is wrong.

You sound very reasonable to me. Boundaries are important.

Even little kids can have a special attachment to certain toys. I know I did and was horribly upset being made to share them and then told I was mean not to. This stayed with me for a long time.

I think I would try to discern which toys are more special (such as a certain teddy) and which ones are more for sharing.

I'm play dates my dc can select up to 3 precious things they don't want to share and they are put out of sight. No they don't have to share but, especially at toddler age, playing with precious toys in front of another toddler is just asking for an issue to arise. I have 3 dds and they have to share most toys and realise that by doing so they actually have access to more. However, special toys are not shared and where they each have one we put an initial on the label.

That's when I realised that children that age don't often play together,
And indeed, that's the sad part, kids seem more and more often to be playing side by side, with more of an eye on what the others have then what they have themselves, on the look out for the 'better toy' rather than actually playing truly together with toys being only part of the story and therefore interchangeable.

sharing is caring....and all that. If the toy is put down and not being played with then I am all for allowing the other child to play with it. I don't like snatching from another child. I also don't really like special toys as in my opinion they end up becoming comforters and you're forever stressing about whether you're going to lose the thing or hunting for it before bedtime!

I agree with the OP. When my ds's friends have a special toy that is new I tell ds that it is not a sharing toy yet.

I think you and A's mum were fine with what happened.

B's mum sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

There's nothing wrong with teaching children how to share in the right way, but there's a lot of value in teaching children how to say no, and how to accept it when someone else says no to them.

Those two things go side by side. If you teach your child that they can say no to others, you have to teach them that other people can say no to them as well.

Communal toys at playgroup or equipment at the park are different (not the scooter a previous poster mentioned above though, that was personal property, not park equipment, so that was off limits and she did absolutely the right thing), and playing with those things gives a different opportunity to explain that everyone should be allowed to take a turn because it belongs to everybody, but things that belong to one person should be respected.

I think most children will share most things without too much drama. Unless someone is snatching toys away by force or constant pestering, I do think most of them will share and work things out between them.

And indeed, that's the sad part, kids seem more and more often to be playing side by side, with more of an eye on what the others have then what they have themselves
This is perfectly normal for pre school kids tho, i don't think its a worrying new trend at all. If they're still playing alone at 5-6, maybe then its time to gently encourage some group activities. But its fine to sometimes play alone, at any age.

Next time take a bag of washing to B house and share her washing machine

^ pure genius!

Dd is older now so sharing isn't an issue. She is pretty strong willed. She struggled to share a certain toy so we put it away as it would have caused unnecessary tantrums and tears when friends visited. With play dates, anyone hogging a toy the other child wanted, we'd do taking turns. 5 minutes or so each and swap. It's a phase and it will pass. B is clearly wrong and I imagine this handing a toy over would probably go in her child's favour more than the other way round.

It's good to share but I think it's also important for children to respect other's " special" belongings. So if one of my kids had a very special toy they felt unable to share, I wouldn't force them to do this. I would tell my child it was going in a safe place till later. I think this is fine because we all have things that are special to us and that we wouldn't like others using, and its the same for children.

Sounds like have the perfect compromise worked out - you didn't make your daughter hand over a toy she was in the middle of playing with, but when she'd finished playing with it the other child got to have a turn. That seems perfectly fair and decent to me and not selfish at all.

Kids do need to learn to share but equally they need to learn that you can't just take things from people whenever you want them and that sometimes you have to wait.

I also think it's OK to put a child's most extra-special, precious toy away when other children visit, especially if the other kid is younger or not so careful with things.