AIBU *NOT* to make my child share her most favourite toy?

[Quiettiger]

DD is 2 1/2 and is obsessed with Paw Patrol. The day before yesterday, DH bought her Zuma and his hovercraft as a surprise. She was over the moon and it has gone everywhere with her, including bed. She is very possessive over it.

Yesterday, she had a play date with her 3 year old friend (lets call him A). He is also obsessed with Paw Patrol and tried to take said toy off DD who was playing with it. DD refused to give it to him and A told me that DD "wasn't sharing nicely".

I told him that DD didn't want to share at the moment and that we had lots of other toys to play with. A's mum backed me up and he went and got something else to play with. When DD then put the toy down to do something else, A took the toy to play with it, and when DD wanted it back, I told her it was now A's turn to play with it, because she put it down and he'd starting playing with it. She went and got something else. So far, no drama.

Both A's mum and I are of a similar opinion that it's OK not to give something to someone else just because they demand it - especially if it's a "prized" possession. I also think it teaches the ability to have boundaries and be able to say no to someone. DD is in general a generous child who shares and plays well, as is A, who is a lovely kid.

Later, I was explaining what had happened to another friend who also has a 3 year old (lets call him B) and I said my attitude was that if the toy was available, then who ever wanted it played with it until they put it down, but they didn't have to share just because someone demanded it. She was appalled, accused me of teaching my child to be selfish and told me my example of "you wouldn't give an adult your mobile phone just because they demand it" analogy was ridiculous.

Who is the unreasonable one here? Is it me because I'm happy for my child to say no about sharing and respect that, or is it her for thinking you should share everything without question? We have had issues in the past where her child, B, has just snatched toys off DD and told her that "it's mine now because we're sharing", resulting in lots of tears from DD so I'm happy to be told this is clouding my judgement.

unwanted- there was no drama between DD and A at all - it was a non-issue.

It was the mother of B who called me unreasonable for being of the opinion that DD was allowed to say no to the demand she give up the toy.

I remember reading/ hearing that teaching sharing before age 5 (I think it was), is not actually teaching sharing, it's just teaching a child to follow an instruction. They can't appreciate the reason for sharing until they are older.
I agree with OP but i'm sure I've talked my children round to stop another being upset before.

Yep, I'm with you op.

However, I do think that since you knew this other child was a paw patrol fan, it would have been kinder to put the prized toy away for the duration of the play date.

^This. I think it is a bit mean (of the parent) for a child to be in possession of a coveted toy but then won't allow anyone else to play with it. My dc were quite possessive of a few things, I respected that and they were hidden put out of sight if someone was coming over.

I think in your house it is your rules and children need to be taught that. Eg in your house your dd can say 'no' but equally at another person's house she has to accept that they may say 'no'. I remember I had a friend when my dc were small who has a ds who wanted everything for himself. In our house he would throw a tantrum if he couldn't get a toy that he wanted when he wanted it. His DM would then do a timed 'your toy/her toy' thing which i thought was a bit rude. If she does it in her house fair enough, but I don't expect guests to start imposing rules on my dc in their own home. I am very glad to be well past the stage of negotiating playdate rules.

Yanbu op. If a child's favourite toy was very very expensive or hard to replace I think most parents wouldn't want their child to share it around.

While sharing is certainly an important lesson for a child to learn, I think it is also important for them to learn to say no and have that decision (and their property) respected.

Or they will end up being victims of cheeky fuckers in the future as they have never learned to politely stand up for themselves and say no if they want to.

YANBU.

Yanbu
She needs to look up the definition of sharing

I'd like to borrow your engagement ring.

Sure here you go....

YANBU

YANBU however I think if a toy isn't for sharing it should be put away at play dates

unwanted, you do know it's possible to share an issue round here without anyone claiming that there has been any drama, don't you?

You are 100% correct.

'Sharing' is not giving something you have and want to someone else just because they demand want it.

When ds was about that age he was still fairly non verbal (he has asd). Other kids his age could explain stuff.
He had a new scooter and we took it to a friends house so he could play on it when her dcs played on theirs. There was me, friend, and 2 other friends of ours.
Her DD immediately wanted ds new scooter. I said she had her own but I expect ds would let her have a turn when he'd finished. She went on and on, had a tantrum and kept doing the loud commenting about how ds wasn't sharing and looking around to see if anyone was reacting.
Her mum said nothing. Well nothing until after about 10 minutes she suddenly got up and really crossly told me it's no wonder my ds doesn't have any social skills if I am not going to encourage him to share with children
I calmly pointed out it wasn't my ds with the social skills issue - that her DD was the one who thought her own needs were greater than anyone else's. That that's pretty normal for a 3yo! but she needs to be taught that's not the case.

We left. Later that day the other 2 mums contacted me separately and said they've always wanted to stand up to this friend and totally agreed with me.

If the child is playing with something, then they shouldn't have to share. If she has stopped playing with it, other kids can have it. That's the rule we have at play group. It's the same if another child is invited at your house to play with their toys.

I have no issue telling other people's kids off for trying to take a toy my child is playing with at that time. It seems that other parents don't care what their kids do though.

OP, you're teaching your kid good manners.

Completely agree: unwilling sharing isn't sharing; it's just someone taking things away from you against you will and less likely to make you want to share in the future. Precious toys should be put away for playdates. One of the parenting books I read likened it to your friend going through your handbag and using your private things or someone taking off your wedding and engagement rings and giving them to someone else to wear.

Could I point out before others continue posting that the other boy did have a turn. Her DD just didn't hand it to him as soon as he asked for it.

That's what's being debated here.

I wonder if your friend would still have expected your child to hand the toy over if she was a boy?

I have a favourite stuffed toy dog that I got when I was 4. I love that thing, he was (and is) my most prized possession. The anxiety I felt as a child when somebody else had him was painful.

Even now, he would be the thing I rescued from a burning building.

You are absolutely doing the right thing - your most favourite toy is different and that is ok. Agree about putting it out of harms way when other kids are over though.

I came across a useful tip when DS1 was approaching that age zone, where it's better to describe it as "taking turns" rather than "sharing". That's what you did anyway.

The reality it isn't until around 3-4 that children begin to play cooperatively and genuinely share their play, rather than playing their own game in the same space.

YANBU.

As adults we would never be expected to hand over our most prized possessions for someone else to use just because they are a guest in your home for a couple of hours.

There is not sharing at all and not wanting to share your favourite special toy. The latter is totally reasonable.

Just put her favourite toys away in a cupboard next time she has friends over.

Of course YANBU.
That's his property.

I totally agree with you op.
Had this debate the other day. Totally outing but ds and I were in the park, he had his scooter. Some random child (about 6/7yrs) came up, took it and made off. I ran after him and stood in front, said I needed the scooter back. Ds1 was already asking for it back. The boy refused (told me to fuck off actually) and told my ds he had to share. I told him no, it was my sons scooter and he needed to get off and hand it back.
The mum came over and I thought great, she'll sort it. She started with aggression towards me and told me to fuck off! Her son wanted a go, he's never been on a micro scooter and my ds wasn't on it so it was her sons turn(!!!!) and my son needed to learn to fucking share, 'teach your little brat to fucking share' were her words.
I saw red. Told her if her ds wanted to have a micro scooter she could bloody well buy him one, my ds scooter is not community property. My son can choose to share with his friends but it's hardly sharing when someone doesn't ask! It's theft. Lovely lesson she's teaching him. Again told her ds to get off my child's scooter. She dragged her kid off swearing and shouting.

My friend said I was in the wrong 🙄 Apparently random kids should get to use and damage my kids toys because 'share' 🙄

I wouldn't let my child hog a desirable toy on a playdate (or play group etc) - I think that's really rude. For playdates - if you don't want to share it, it's put away. For something like a swing, or scooter, or ride on you get a turn then pass it on.

I also agree, they should not have to share everything. But yes to putting it away, at that age they don't understand why they can't play with it and it will just cause fights.

I think you need the right thing! This is exactly what sharing is. I hate it when kids are forced to share their favourite toys when they're actually playing with them. It's about patience and taking turns too.

Surely the best thing to do in this instance is to agree with your child to put the toy away from excited eyes and that they can play with it when the friends have left. What's the point of inviting children so that they both play with different toys in separate part of the room.

Inviting children to watch your DC play with a highly desirable toy whilst telling that that that's all they get to do because she won't share it with them is just inspiring envy is a really poor stand to take.

I made it clear to my kids that if they wanted to invite friends over, all toys were there to share and if they had something they wanted to be kept to themselves (usually that didn't extend further than their blankets!), they should leave them in my room.

I think it's fine for some things not to be shared. As an adult you don't expect to have to share everything you own so why should children? It's fine to have certain belongings that are yours only. However, lots of things have to be shared so it's something children must learn. I used to have a chat with my child about what she wanted to keep as her own and safely out it away before a play date. Anything out was fair game. Sharing is not going up to someone and taking a toy off them. It's waiting your turn and you can play with it in a minute. Some children were so rough with toys and when special one's got broken it caused upset so they got put away.