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AIBU?

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Original poster

About my male work colleague

56 replies

LazySusan11 · 12/08/2017 01:16

I work in a very small team, 7 men and just myself and 1 other female. We don't all work together at the same time.

We have a male colleague who is quite touchy and thinks nothing of hugging or stroking your back. At one point he touched my knee and told me he and his wife were no longer intimate which saddened him.

This made all my alarm bells go off and made me very uncomfortable I have since then wherever possible kept my distance from this man. I told my boss who didn't make much of it but said if he made me feel uncomfortable again I should tell him.

I have since spoken to my female colleague only to discover he has done the same with her. He isn't a horrible man he is really very pleasant but something about him and his need to hug or touch us makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU to think I'm not imagining things and I have reason to feel the way I do?

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 12/08/2017 01:23

YANBU, you need to have a word with your boss. I would never tell a colleague about my sex life, no normal person would,I know you say he's nice but he sounds incredibly creepy.

loaferloveforyou · 12/08/2017 01:25

Totally inappropriate. Does he stroke the men's legs or just the women's?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2017 04:50

Is there a reason you haven't told him to keep his fucking hands to himself? FFS, you have a voice. Use it.

treaclesoda · 12/08/2017 04:57

Thing is, the being really pleasant bit is part of a manipulative power game. He's playing on your good will to not make a fuss about his inappropriate behaviour because outwardly he's 'nice'.

He's not nice though. He's pretending to be nice, in order to get away with touching you. I don't believe for a second that he doesn't know that what he's doing is wrong.

ChasedByBees · 12/08/2017 05:09

He knows what he's doing and you can bet he doesn't stroke his male colleagues leg.

whiteroseredrose · 12/08/2017 06:00

Or he may genuinely missing affectionate contact. HOWEVER that's not your problem and he needs to keep his hands to himself.

Tell your manager and ask the other woman to do the same. The manager needs to spell it out that it is highly inappropriate behaviour.

DeadGood · 12/08/2017 07:16

"Does he stroke the men's legs or just the women's?"

This is the first thing we need to know OP x

erinaceus · 12/08/2017 07:23

What part of his behaviour is not horrible?

I am not of the opinion that there is a moratorium on conversations about sex in the office. What there ought to be a moratorium on is inappropriate physical contact. This man's behaviour is not appropriate for the workplace. Do you have a preference between tackling this yourself and going to your manager or HR department about it?

MissBabbs · 12/08/2017 07:34

Put it in writing to your boss and your bosses reply to you so there is evidence because if you speak to the clleague telling him to stop touching there may be come back from him.

AngelaTwerkel · 12/08/2017 07:38

"Does he stroke the men's legs or just the women's?"

It doesn't matter if he's an equal opportunities toucher - you shouldn't be stroking ANYONE's leg at work!!

rwalker · 12/08/2017 07:41

some people are just touchy feely and (not in a sexual way ) i would first just tell him informally you don't like it and please stop. Then if no joy go to your manager and make it formal . I'm male work with a guy who if you are at you desk on he comes to talk to you he will put his hand on your shoulder does this to everyone. Just tell him

PricklyBall · 12/08/2017 07:58

The "tell him you don't like it" informally approach is one I've used successfully in the past (where I genuinely wasn't sure if the bloke was a creep or simply touchy-feely), but seriously, in this case (stroking your leg while telling you he and his wife are "no longer intimate") - that's his creepiness established beyond all reasonable doubt. This one's a job for HR.

fairycakecentral · 12/08/2017 07:58

The touchy feely behaviour is one thing. Lots of people are like that, though that doesn't make it uncomfortable.

But put that together with telling you about his lack of sex life - he knows what he is doing and is enjoying it. He's manipulating a situation where he knows you are unlikely to pull him up on it, where is could get incrementally worse, a longer linger on the back, standing too close than he probably already does, talking in a quieter voice so you have to lean in, all little things which separately seem harmless, but Are really not.

And he's doing the same to another female colleague! He's getting kicks from this behaviour.

As PP said, get in in writing to your manager. You do have a voice but not everyone likes confrontation. I personally wouldn't call him out on it. Not only do I loathe confrontation but as each little incident on their own seems harmless, he can easily make you out to be imagining things, treat you like you are stupid, and thus making you doubt yourself. Catalogue it all, maybe together with your other colleague. And let your manager know, in writing, asap.

Nanna50 · 12/08/2017 08:00

You need to tell him not your boss. I am a very tactile person and sometimes I really do not know I do it. I have touched and stroked friends, family and colleagues. I don't overshare but I work with people who do. Its all about boundaries.

I was once sat beside a male work colleague who I have worked with for 15 years , while we were talking he said do you mind moving your hand of my knee? I hadn't even realised that I was resting my hand there. It was a bit embarrassing for both of us and I apologised.

We were actually attending a seminar which happened to be on equality, diversity and dignity in the workplace and later in the morning the discussion turned to touching colleagues. Fortunately we knew each other well enough for him not to take offence and we laughed about it.

However I have been very conscious about touching colleagues since that moment. Lord knows how many people I have inappropriately touched in the previous decades Blush

You need to tell him he is crossing boundaries and needs to stop.

Original poster
LazySusan11 · 12/08/2017 08:04

He's fairly 'huggy' with male colleagues, I have told him and I have told my boss and my colleagues how uncomfortable this makes me. I'm told 'he's just very touchy' I don't give a shit if he's like that I don't want him to be like that with me.

I don't have an office based job, we work together for a month every other month, so he's particularly touchy with hellos and goodbyes at the beginning and end of his month. I hate it to the point I now refuse to get up and greet him like the others when he arrives. I just wasn't sure if I was overreacting or if my feelings are valid.

OP posts:
Jijhebtseksmetezels · 12/08/2017 08:10

So when you told him directly that you didn't like it we're you talking about hugs in general or about his behaviour in particular?

If the latter and he still carried on then yes he's out of order.

MsVestibule · 12/08/2017 08:11

No, you're not overreacting. It could be that he's just an affectionate man, although the comment he made about not being intimate with his wife, whilst stroking your knee, would suggest otherwise.

Would you feel comfortable saying 'please don't touch me, I don't like it'?' in a neutral manner?

Birdsgottaf1y · 12/08/2017 08:13

Your feelings are always valid when it comes to personal contact with other people, men or women.

I'm not tactile outside of my family/relationship and have had to ask a few people to back off. I hate hugging as a greeting or goodbye.

Tell him straight and if it doesn't stop go back to your boss.

erinaceus · 12/08/2017 08:13

Somebody taught me - which may or may not be true - that in terms of physical contact the upper outer arm is a non-sexual, non-threatening place to touch another person. Something akin to a handshake. Maybe being touched on the shoulder is similar.

Thighs, I would have thought, are a no-go area.

There is a graphic about this somewhere. I find it helpful because I get jumpy about physical contact and know when I need to get over myself and when I need to have a quiet word with the person who is doing the touching. Quite often I tell people I do not like physical contact. Most people respect this even if they forget my preferences sometimes.

Original poster
LazySusan11 · 12/08/2017 08:13

Fairy I think that's it each incident seems harmless yet it makes my skin crawl. He stands too close he sits too close but none of the guys I work with seem to understand my issue.

He isn't nasty he does his job well is liked by the others. He does a lot of side by side arm around shoulder squeezes with the men I also work with. I'm a tactile person but I don't invade others personal space I can't put my finger on it there's something about him that makes me prickle.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 12/08/2017 08:18

It's the comment about his sex life that rings alarm bells, there's a definite suggestion of a sexual approach imo. He said it while being 'touchy-feely'. That would creep me out definitely.

Definitely log his behaviour. And approach your boss again and HR; let them handle it. The last thing they'll want is a claim of sexual harassment, they'll take you more seriously if you've kept a log of what he's said and done.

MeganBacon · 12/08/2017 08:20

As a first step, tell him to stop. Loudly, clearly, politely if you can, but with no room for misinterpretation.

What is clear to some people is not clear to others (any thread on mumsnet is evidence of that) and this does not necessarily indicate malicious intent.
If he persists after that, enlist the help of others and report appropriately.

Original poster
LazySusan11 · 12/08/2017 08:20

I have told him he's too close and in my personal space he then hovers but soon forgets himself and gets to close again. I want to tell him to fuck off but that's rather offensive and I'd rather not cause further issue I just want him to stay out of my space permanently.

OP posts:
aginghippy · 12/08/2017 08:20

So you told him that him touching you makes you uncomfortable? And after you said that he still did it?

If that's the case, he is a prick. Why else would someone deliberately make a colleague uncomfortable?

HurryUpAndWait · 12/08/2017 08:22

Yuo were right to tell him or your boss but telling your colleagues was unprofessional.

What has your boss done about it?

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