About my male work colleague

[LazySusan11]

I work in a very small team, 7 men and just myself and 1 other female. We don't all work together at the same time.

We have a male colleague who is quite touchy and thinks nothing of hugging or stroking your back. At one point he touched my knee and told me he and his wife were no longer intimate which saddened him.

This made all my alarm bells go off and made me very uncomfortable I have since then wherever possible kept my distance from this man. I told my boss who didn't make much of it but said if he made me feel uncomfortable again I should tell him.

I have since spoken to my female colleague only to discover he has done the same with her. He isn't a horrible man he is really very pleasant but something about him and his need to hug or touch us makes me very uncomfortable. AIBU to think I'm not imagining things and I have reason to feel the way I do?

We're a really small group Hurry 7 of us in total but I only work with 3 of them at a time 1 of them being my boss so not unprofessional at all.

It's him who is causing the issue, not you. He has been told more than once that you don't like or want that behaviour and still he 'forgets himself'. It's just disrespectful.

He doesn't 'forget himself' he chooses to ignore the boundary you've set. So remind him again and again and again. Loudly, firmly, and write down every time you have to. Also email your boss every time you have to.
It sucks, but women do have to do this. Some men do rely on the 'niceness' and Britishness of others to get away with this bullshit. Tell your female colleague (hell, and the male ones!) to do the same if she's feeling uncomfortable with him. It's not your problem he's a creep. Your boss should be protecting you and making it clear his behaviour is unacceptable.

This is beyond creepy. Apart from a couple of (sad) exceptions due to bereavements, (where brief hugs seemed appropriate) the only physical contact I have ever had with any of my staff (male and female) has been handshakes.

My office now is fairly 'open', in that we do all discuss our collections of ailments - however I have to say that sex is never (rightly) mentioned..

You could try Ding Training?

You are not being unreasonable. This person - your colleague - is not behaving in an appropriate manner. If neither he nor your boss is doing anything to change this behaviour, you may need to either be even more direct - as in, start firmly removing his hand from your person whilst announcing what you are doing in an audible voice - or go to HR and discuss the matter with them.

YANBU. Some people are more touchy-feely than others, sure, but you're at work, FFS, there's no real reason why he needs to keep touching colleagues - and touchy-feely types still need to understand boundaries. A brief pat on the arm is one thing but stroking someone's back or leg is another. It's completely out of order and I would hate it too.

And putting his hand on your knee and talking about his sex life (or lack thereof) is absolutely not something that could reasonably be interpreted as 'just being friendly'.

I would definitely have a word with your manager, and include the incident where he talked about not having sex with his wife.

Yes, he is a horrible man. He touches work colleagues and says he doesn't get enough sex. Is it an invitation or a threat? He's a sex offender.

There are many women now going public about sexual harassment in the workplace. They have been threatened for too long with the loss of their job or their 'reputation' if they do so, told they will be seen as 'troublemakers', because it keeps women quiet. No more. Plenty have now stuck their head above the parapet and taken the risk.

They are your inspiration. The next time he touches you, loudly state it - make sure everyone knows he is A Sex Offender. "Do not touch me." "Get your hand off my thigh." And then report to HR. Log every incident. Because HR will, as many HR departments have done before them, be clueless as to how to proceed and you will escalate it further. Take the risk. They can't 'never hire' ALL of us 'troublemakers'.

These abusers thrive in silence.

Don't give it to them.

erinaceus I've never heard of ding training, but now I'm desperate for an annoying friend/colleague to try it out.

What did you say the last time he did it?

I have said to him that I like my personal space and he is in it uninvited please don't touch me. Then another incident we were in a car and had to seat 3 in the back he got in the middle then leaned across me to hold on to one of the little bars on the headrest in front. He seemed completely unaware, in front of my other 2 colleagues also in the car I said you are in my space I'm not comfortable with it please can you move.

He was quite pissed off said he needed to 'steady' himself as he was in the middle I said if we can stop I'll switch places but that was apparently too much effort.

The guys I work with are old school I've told my boss on several occasions now that his need to invade my space makes me very uncomfortable. Next time I shall slap him see if that does anything I won't we don't have an HR dept like I say we are a very small team.

Op - please try the ding training with him - we need to see how effective it is!

I shall be working with him from next week I will begin ding training every time he touches me.

I believe Ding Training without the consent of the Ding Trainee may constitute harassment. I have never Ding Trained anyone but describing how Ding Training works has been effective at instigating a change in behaviour in the potential Ding Trainee.

Marmalady75 Let me know how you get on. If the pilot goes well we could trial the technique more widely and then write a book on the topic?

What if lazy explains she is just helping to remind him not to be so touchy it might not be harassment then erin - perhaps it might then be considered performance management?

ding

I have aspergers and am starting a new job soon, stuff like this makes me cringe as I HATE being touched and would be crap at dealing with it effectively! Hopefully I won't encounter someone like this.

I think he does know what he's doing OP. You've made it clear more than once that he gets in your space. Time to escalate this.

Performance managing ones colleagues without buy-in from management? Dodgy territory.

Get colleague or at lease management buy-in before commencing Ding Training.

There is a dr at my work who sexually harassed me when I was a lot younger. I didn't report it.

Now I work in a new ward a few years later & he's made a reappearance.
He tried to talk to me on my own earlier so I was very cold to him & gave a one word answer then looked away.
Hopefully he won't start bothering me again... but what I'm trying to say is that unless you are very clear with this man and with management then things could escalate.
He is probably seeing how far he can get.... yuck

I wouldn't ding train. Any time he touched me I would now say, 'do not touch me'. I would increase the volume if he continued. No explanation, just a repeated, with increasing volume, 'do not touch me.' Make him uncomfortable; make everyone uncomfortable. You have given him more than fair warning, and the boss more than fair warning.

He'll soon go back to harrassing your colleague, but you will have shown her how to respond.

What Christmas said. Every single time he touches you, say "Please do not touch me" very loudly, in a voice that will carry round the whole office. (I'd add the word "please" just so that you have the high ground if he turns it round on you - think tactical here. Also don't keep getting louder - just make sure every single time is loud enough and carries). And keep a diary. And check your union membership is up-to-date/your household insurance or similar covers legal costs for a tribunal, because it is not unusual for bosses in workplaces with ineffectual harrassment policies to try to turn things round against the victims.

Trust your instincts. Your instincts are good.

Update:

My boss has spoken to him no idea what was said. I have today received an email from him which I'll put here. To me it doesn't read as an apology more a use of 'cultural differences' I won't add which country he comes from but needless to say its not known for its touchy feely friendliness. Am I reading this wrong?

Dear Lazy Susan

I am writing this email to you to apologize for my friendliness or affection that has made you feel uncomfortable. Please understand there has never been any intention for anything else other than just my plain friendliness towards my colleagues. I will refrain from doing so immediately and only be professional and maintain a strict work relationship with you to avoid any further misunderstandings for the forseable future.

Very best regards.

Touchy feely colleague

Yeah that is a bit of a cop out, he can't even own his behaviour and resorts to hiding behind his culture.

And also puts it back on you by calling it a "misunderstanding". As though you just don't get where he's coming from when he's touching your leg and talking about his sex life.

At least you have something in writing/on file with HR now.

Some of the responses on here are ridiculous.

How did you not ask him WTAF he was doing? Then report him?