AIBU to gloat, just a little bit ?

[user1483875094]

Long story, will try to make it as short as possible. Ex (thankfully) sil who had two children before I did, used to try to "educate me" as to how to bring children up. (she was in the profession - a pedagogue and yes, I have never really understood what that role was, either!) but I was always surprised at how she let her two boys behave so appallingly, constantly. This was because she always wanted to "discuss" matters with them, explain, and then give them the "choice" as to whether they wanted to continue with their horrid behaviour, or not. They consistently did. (take the choice of continuing with their horrid behaviour). Once, when visiting PIL and she was also there with her two boys, they were pulling the hair out of the family cat, and trying to swing it around by it's tail. She was out of the room and so I stepped in and admonished them, removing the poor cat. I didn't shout or anything, just said it was extremely cruel, what they were doing. I was (seriously) family row... type of stuff, severely reprimanded by hoity toity SIL as "You are not a parent, and you are not educated in child behaviour, so don't you dare to intervene in my boys behaviour" !!! This went on for a few years, and matters actually got quite a lot worse, and eventually she was no longer my SIL thankfully! Subsequently, I brought up two children who are both hugely happy, successful, confident and extremely well balanced young people, both in extremely happy and harmonious relationships, and who I see a great deal of. (Although I was not "educated in child behaviour", was just a normal mum). I recently had a visit from very old friends, who were previous "mutual friends". Heard that EX SILS boys have apparently rebelled - and are now at the ages of 33 and 31. One has moved to France with his French wife, and will have nothing to do with his parents, and the other has married and has four children, and will only allow his parents (mother really) to visit once per year as he feels that she has a "damaging influence" on the grand-children. Over the years, it was memories of her horrid behaviour that irked me... and I was truly glad to not be part of all that again. I feel everso slightly ashamed that I am gloating, just a little bit. Am I a horrible person?

YANBU. At all. I used to work in Camphill and had a son with a hardcore anthroposophist (Steiner school and all that jazz). I was subjected to countless pedagogues who were essentially arseholes who made my son miserable because he was bullied by kids with no discipline or limits. Gloat away!!!

Lol YANBU. Karma. Allow yourself a smug chuckle when you think of her.

YANBU, although plenty will act like they're above you and you are.

Every parent does their best.

I'm afraid that god awful left wing liberal teaching did no one any favours.

YANBU.

My parents had some friends who brought their kids up in exactly this way, and it meant that as the children got older they were such difficult and outright nasty company that it ended the friendship between our families.

Their son is currently in prison for the third time and apparently has a gambling addiction, and their daughter will only have very occasional contact with them on neutral ground because she hugely resents the childhood she had (zero boundaries, zero discipline and constantly being horrifically bullied by the horrible brother).

Yanbu she sounds hideous

Stilldrivingmebonkers why bring politics into this? It's not a political issue.

YANBU. Don't blame you for feeling a bit smug.

Those boys must have been miserable when they were young, so it's good that they went on to live much happier lives as adults.

Stilldrivingmebonkers, what on earth are you talking about?!

I've got an idea of what Stilldrivingmebonkers is on about. There was a time, maybe back in the 80s, when it was all about letting children follow their own path/inclinations, rather than requiring them to fit in to some kind of structure that had expectations of behaviour. It was all a rather lovely concept, except when implemented in schools where children were allowed to do what they wanted, all under the banner of "discovery". Didn't work, of course, because children are not particularly good at self-regulation.

Kooshbin, that's still nothing to do with left-wing politics. I'm left-wing and am bringing up my kids to value sharing, equality, fairness and caring for others. That to me is what being left-wing is all about.

Op was this horrendous woman married to your brother or bil? Seems a shame that you've lost touch with your nephews, they sound great!

redsquirrel - I'm not ascribing that to left-wing politics, just that there was a time when educational/child psychology policies went a bit bonkers, and that's what the PP might have been alluding to. There have always been fads in child-rearing; it's when commonsense goes out of the window that damage happens to children. Your values are what children need in order to function well in society.

A little bit presuming her parenting style was what she thought was best and was just doing what she though right

YANBU but if they were both in jail that would be better gloat-fodder.

I think so yes, because permissive parenting doesn't normally equal children growing op to go no contact and say the parent is damaging.

So whatever you saw I suspect something else was going on in that home. As such, no I wouldn't gloat, I'd feel concerned and sad for the children they once were and the adults they are now. I think it's fairly certain there is more to this than permissive parenting.

It's a lazy stereotype, isn't it - to assume that all "loony lefty liberal yoghurt knitting hemp wearing" types are the ones who would follow this sort of "childrearing" philosophy. It's ludicrous, of course - I'm quite sure that a) not all left wing voters would dream of following this idiotic philosophy, and equally I doubt that all the followers of this type of "child rearing" fashion voted left wing.

Aside of that - OP, YANBU. I can't stand the "let them find out for themselves" school of "raising" children - I'm sure a lot of them go off the rails for the lack of a decent set of boundaries, and those that don't tend to ensure their own children have an entirely different upbringing!

She was my first husbands' sister. We divorced, so she became my ex SIL (thankfully!). Thank you all for your very lovely and interesting notes! So glad that you understand. Made me feel better!

Pride comes before a fall.

I get why you feel like that.

I cant help feel for the boys (now men) though. That would take any hint smugness, that i felt, away.

Its not easy having a bad realtionship with your mother at any age.

'It's a lazy stereotype, isn't it - to assume that all "loony lefty liberal yoghurt knitting hemp wearing" types are the ones who would follow this sort of "childrearing" philosophy. It's ludicrous, of course - I'm quite sure that a) not all left wing voters would dream of following this idiotic philosophy, and equally I doubt that all the followers of this type of "child rearing" fashion voted left wing.'

Couldn't agree more!

'letting children follow their own path/inclinations, rather than requiring them to fit in to some kind of structure that had expectations of behaviour.'

It's perfectly possible (and preferable) to let children follow their own path/inclinations whilst also providing structure/boundaries with expectations of behaviour.

'permissive parenting doesn't normally equal children growing op to go no contact and say the parent is damaging.

So whatever you saw I suspect something else was going on in that home. As such, no I wouldn't gloat, I'd feel concerned and sad for the children they once were and the adults they are now. I think it's fairly certain there is more to this than permissive parenting.

Completely agree with Bluntness. I can't get on board with gloating over damaged familial relationships. It's sad.

(sorry, bold fail!)

I had a similar experience with ex SIL. IME it's lazy, inadequate parenting dressed up as some kind of superior way of doing things. In this case it included allowing an 18 month to walk unaided down a 20 foot wooden staircase (if she falls she will learn from it) and also failure to seek medical attention for head injuries that needed stitches and other injuries that were allowed to happen rather than being accidental. The BIL, who colluded with it, eventually asked me 'how come you have such lovely, well-behaved children?'. I just said 'that's how they've been brought up'. Gloat away. You earned it.