AIBU to gloat, just a little bit ?

[user1483875094]

Long story, will try to make it as short as possible. Ex (thankfully) sil who had two children before I did, used to try to "educate me" as to how to bring children up. (she was in the profession - a pedagogue and yes, I have never really understood what that role was, either!) but I was always surprised at how she let her two boys behave so appallingly, constantly. This was because she always wanted to "discuss" matters with them, explain, and then give them the "choice" as to whether they wanted to continue with their horrid behaviour, or not. They consistently did. (take the choice of continuing with their horrid behaviour). Once, when visiting PIL and she was also there with her two boys, they were pulling the hair out of the family cat, and trying to swing it around by it's tail. She was out of the room and so I stepped in and admonished them, removing the poor cat. I didn't shout or anything, just said it was extremely cruel, what they were doing. I was (seriously) family row... type of stuff, severely reprimanded by hoity toity SIL as "You are not a parent, and you are not educated in child behaviour, so don't you dare to intervene in my boys behaviour" !!! This went on for a few years, and matters actually got quite a lot worse, and eventually she was no longer my SIL thankfully! Subsequently, I brought up two children who are both hugely happy, successful, confident and extremely well balanced young people, both in extremely happy and harmonious relationships, and who I see a great deal of. (Although I was not "educated in child behaviour", was just a normal mum). I recently had a visit from very old friends, who were previous "mutual friends". Heard that EX SILS boys have apparently rebelled - and are now at the ages of 33 and 31. One has moved to France with his French wife, and will have nothing to do with his parents, and the other has married and has four children, and will only allow his parents (mother really) to visit once per year as he feels that she has a "damaging influence" on the grand-children. Over the years, it was memories of her horrid behaviour that irked me... and I was truly glad to not be part of all that again. I feel everso slightly ashamed that I am gloating, just a little bit. Am I a horrible person?

I also agree with those who said about the children. It's not in any way their fault and wasn't their choice. In this instance, it was terrible neglectful and the children were difficult to be around - rude and uncooperative.

I would worry more about what you didn't see. We very much bring out children up in a similar vein to her and they would never think it appropriate to torment an animal. 😂

Besides, in my experience those with kids who cut off contact tend to have grown up in a more authoritarian home.

However, I fully understand your feelings and would probably enjoy them too.

It sounds as though the children she raised are doing alright for themselves so her parenting style must not have been that terrible!
People do not go nc over parenting style! I would bet my right arm there are other factors at play in that family you are not aware of. Why are they nc with their dad for example?
You sound very smug.pride comes before a fall- you would do well to think on that!

"Pride comes before a fall."
Could be equally applicable to the OP with her extremely happy and extremely balanced (how is one extremely balanced?).

OP, I have to go against the trend and say that it's not nice to be glad at a family breaking apart. It's so petty.

At the moment MN really gives insight into how much grudge people seem to hold and how angry they are about relatively ordinary stuff. I say ordinary not because I condone children being cruel to animals (OP's one and only example) but because the sil dared to have a different approach to parenting to OP and now deserves to be cut of from her children and grand children. I mean she didn't beat or abuse them did she. .

I think you've got quite carried away there with your interpretations Salut.

I don't see any interpretation?

I think you're a bit nuts, frankly.

I subscribe to the Winnicott view of 'good-enough' parenting. I tend to back away from getting too emotionally and psychologically involved with how other people - primarily other women - parent because I think it is a. personally unhealthy and b. almost certainly determined by sexism (we live in a sexist culture, where women are positively encouraged to judge themselves and other women over-harshly and be competitive).

Short of abuse, I don't actually give a stuff how other women parent.

And I don't judge women's parenting by how their children 'turn out'. In my experience, there's not so much of a match. And it's also a shortcut to madness.

Obviously, I draw the line at outright abuse. I do get involved when parenting is abusive (i.m.o.) or when I think my friends need a hand. I've done that - rather than sitting on the sidelines, tutting. I guess that's why I feel very secure about being totally non-competitive/judgmental about different parenting styles. Short of abuse, or a situation that warrants actual intervention, who - really - gives a stuff.

Life is long. You actually have no idea how it will turn out. Trying to 'win' at the 'game' of being the 'best mother' - judged by what your children do/don't do - is utterly nuts. And a bit anti-women, actually.

And you also sound a bit sad and dim - as though you have so few other accomplishments, you have to be 'best' at 'mothering' (judged through your children). I'm serious. That's why people don't say that kind of stuff in RL.

I agree with Salut.

I don't think this is about Parenting styles.

The Adult children are NC with their Father (and wider family) as well.

Sounds as though there was stuff going on behind closed doors. Or it was ignored by other family members, which is nothing to gloat about.

A lot of MNers seem to leave home and never look back. How do they feel about others gloating about their situation?

A breakdown in families, especially your own isn't something that you should enjoy.

I've had horrible family members children end up in Prison, on drugs etc. I won't gloat, because the cost to Society is too great to take any pleasure from.

I think Salut is right on the nose, actually.

And her point about how angry people seem to be - about really minor stuff - is utterly spot on. I've been on an MN break and I'm finding it really striking.

Salut, I don't know who you are but I feel a real sense of kinship with you.

I agree with stilldriving

You only have to look at how poor we have performed in the athletics. All the non competitve, inclusive sport bollocks is just another example

And the Salut and Birds*'s points about family breakdown being caused by stuff far deeper that differences in parenting styles is spot on.

And there is something really unpleasant about gloating about that.

On a general point, having such a fragile sense of yourself as a parent - and as a person - that you have to 'compete' through comparing yourself to other women, and through comparing your children, is always going to end disastrously. Why? Because ultimately only serious misfortune happening to the other person is going to assuage your sense of fragility (and then only temporarily) and that is a really grim way to live your life.

"And I don't judge women's parenting by how their children 'turn out'"

I agree with this.

"So glad that you understand. Made me feel better!"
Why do you need to feel better about having unkind thoughts? I thought you were already blessed with your extremely happy and extremely balanced dc who turned out this way due to your superior parenting.

I just hope your dc are a bit more outspoken and assertive rather than seething quietly about things that don't concern them in the first place and waiting for others to fall in life. Not the best role model to be so spiteful about a former family member.

Doesn't reflect well.

"Salut, I don't know who you are but I feel a real sense of kinship with you." oh well have an unmumsnetty xx

No, Naze, I think you'll find that athletic performance, at a competitive level, in this country has a direct correlation to funding - not pedagogical practice.

I also think you win the prize for wild extrapolation.

And you also are added to my list of anecdotal proof that there is no end to the shit that mothers get blamed for. Which is another reason for each of us to resist the urge to mother-blame and mother-judge (short of outright abuse) because society as a whole does way too much of that.

You too, Salut. You and Birds have cheered me up. I've seen too many of this sort of thing on MN recently. It's a bit of a downer.

(And you too, Diamond)

Isn't the issue not so much the parenting but the fact she was such a cunt to the OP over it?

I'd be smug too. I don't really care how other people parent unless it makes them an arsehole.

I think it is really sad when a family breaks down like this.

I also agree with saluts points. It's sad so many people are saying to gloat. Over a family broken up. The ops family is also broken up, her kids have divorced parents, clearly they don't see their cousins.and their mother is gloating that those cousins are no contact with their parents as she feels it makes her the better parent.

It's ok to dislike the sister in law. It's not ok to gloat her kids are no contact with her.

Yes, YABU. Much as you dislike your ex, she has screwed up the lives of her children and gloating about that is pretty mean.

^ex SIL

I agree with catfromjapan - although the OP did strike a chord with me, because DS1 was in class with a boy whose mother was a child psychologist/behavioural therapist, and he was the worst behaved little boy I've ever come across. Downright cruel to other children

Just to say, I lived abroad for many years. Sod all to do with rebelling and everything to do with career choices. Missed my family dreadfully but also loved my work and the new culture.

*We moved away, and so I lost touch with that family. But he'd be 15 now, and I often wonder how he turned out.

Oh I hate parents who don't discipline their children. It makes me seethe.
Well her "Don't shout at my kids. They can do what they like. Has well and truly came back to bite her, on the ass, hasnt it.
However I do disagree about them rebelling. Rebelling is when you fall off the right track. Theyve never been shown the right way, and Rebelling is often not the parents fault
However in this case it is her fault