AIBU to gloat, just a little bit ?

[user1483875094]

Long story, will try to make it as short as possible. Ex (thankfully) sil who had two children before I did, used to try to "educate me" as to how to bring children up. (she was in the profession - a pedagogue and yes, I have never really understood what that role was, either!) but I was always surprised at how she let her two boys behave so appallingly, constantly. This was because she always wanted to "discuss" matters with them, explain, and then give them the "choice" as to whether they wanted to continue with their horrid behaviour, or not. They consistently did. (take the choice of continuing with their horrid behaviour). Once, when visiting PIL and she was also there with her two boys, they were pulling the hair out of the family cat, and trying to swing it around by it's tail. She was out of the room and so I stepped in and admonished them, removing the poor cat. I didn't shout or anything, just said it was extremely cruel, what they were doing. I was (seriously) family row... type of stuff, severely reprimanded by hoity toity SIL as "You are not a parent, and you are not educated in child behaviour, so don't you dare to intervene in my boys behaviour" !!! This went on for a few years, and matters actually got quite a lot worse, and eventually she was no longer my SIL thankfully! Subsequently, I brought up two children who are both hugely happy, successful, confident and extremely well balanced young people, both in extremely happy and harmonious relationships, and who I see a great deal of. (Although I was not "educated in child behaviour", was just a normal mum). I recently had a visit from very old friends, who were previous "mutual friends". Heard that EX SILS boys have apparently rebelled - and are now at the ages of 33 and 31. One has moved to France with his French wife, and will have nothing to do with his parents, and the other has married and has four children, and will only allow his parents (mother really) to visit once per year as he feels that she has a "damaging influence" on the grand-children. Over the years, it was memories of her horrid behaviour that irked me... and I was truly glad to not be part of all that again. I feel everso slightly ashamed that I am gloating, just a little bit. Am I a horrible person?

Those people who are saying the op shouldn't have judged - isn't the point that sil was nasty to the op about it? I'd judge someone who behaved like that to me and think most of you would. I also would stop children hurting a cat and hope most of you would, so the sil opinion would definitely have come up.

Thank you TIMEISNOTALINE!

Ah, the OP is back now someone else has agreed. 😂

I get that she was rude. But you are still pinning what you see as a familial downfall on her. Which is pretty shitty.

No, I am back because I have only just got in from work because I work long hours, and many days!

By your very sarcastic tone, I sort of imagine that you have the same "parenting style", of everyone else has to put up with your childrens' horrid behaviour, and of COURSE you have never, ever, had that little "thought" ooh, Karma? and you are just SO WAY above the rest of us with your judgemental and sarcastic attitude. Actually, you remind me very much of my EX SIL! Thank you for your "insightful" comments!

Wow op, sounds like your sil isnt the only rude one.

When you think of those men, who have no relationship with their mother, does that make you sad at all?

You remember them as little boys.

Don't blame you at all, I would have been exactly the same, she sounds like a total cow.

YABU to gloat a bit.

YWNBU to gloat yourself silly!

OP - YABU

Well, I think you sound very smug about your "very successful, very balanced" kids (yawn)

Therealslimshady1 Actually, yes, you are completely right. I am very smug about my extremely happy family. But I have never quite understood why people who find things sooooo boring, as in "(yawn)" bother to read miles of stuff, and then go to the trouble of writing a post... oh "yaaaawn".

No, I am happy that they now have their OWN families, and by the number of children they have between them, they are obvsiously, in spite of it all, very loving fathers with devoted partners, and happy children. THAT makes me happy!

Gorgosparta the answer about me being happy for the successful family fathers they are now, was meant for you.

I've a signed letter from Margaret Thatcher in my office and my very well behaved happy much contact high achievinv children were never punished. I think it's a bit much to generalise about these things and as we all know pride comes before a fall as just about all the religions say so gloating is never a morally great thing to do is it?

I'm a little bit about this because the kids I know who were parented with fewer boundaries, and were often fairly bratty and annoying, have all grown up into very nice confident young people.

Indeed, although our kids are all happy and well balanced, DH and I have reflected that maybe on ocasion we were a bit too rigid with our kids and perhaps could have boosted their confidence a bit more.

It's not attractive to feel smug or gloaty about the downfall of someone who had been smug or patronising about their "superior" choices, but it's natural and I'm not sure that I'd fully resist the urge.

But the sons seem to have turned out fine - married, with kids, making their own way in a different country. So the only thing you are smug about is that they no longer have contact with their mother? That's highly unlikely to be because of her excessive permissiveness, so yes, a very unpleasant thing to gloat about. And since her kids have turned out fine, I'm not sure the outcome is in any way an indictment of permissive parenting.

Incidentally, the nastiest kids I've encountered, both as a child and as an adult, have been those with extremely rigid, controlling, disciplinarian parents - when nobody is looking, the meanness can be breathtaking.

A mother's place is in the wrong.

We do the best we can with the sense we have. Well most of us do.

But bragging about it is redundant. (Her AND you)

She sounds hideous and I would be smug too. Parents can't always take the credit for how,their children act in adult,life. Some of us decide to be better parents and successful and happy in spite of our shit mothers.

no... nothing to do with my children. She was my first husbands sister, and we had no children. She was, actually, also fairly instrumental in causing problems between me and my first husband, exceptionally interfering, jealous and spiteful.

YANBU. She was an asshole, and it is nice to see assholes get one in the face. We are not saints, judging and being smug is what we do, as human beings.

The worst kids I knew were the children of permissive parents, one of them a pedagogue. The children were truly unlovable, which is a terrible thing to think about a child, but there you go.

NO, right?

Well, let's close this down now. I was extremely honest, and very appreciative of all the honest and genuine support I received, thank you all, - but I had no idea there were so many "perfect" absolutely "angelic" mums out there, who have never harboured any resentments in their lives, no matter what they had to cope with for years, and who also cannot be bothered to actually read the threads, and understand the actual situation, before they spout their "perfectness" in an attempt to make an honest poster, feel like utter shit. Again, after ex SIL made me feel so very many times! Thank you all of you who understood my honesty and could empathise! To you "perfect" "angels" out there... good luck to you all!