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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH

58 replies

LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 20:39

I've NC for this. I'm currently quite unwell with a condition with which I suffer from flare ups. (I'm having a severe flare up just now). It's an autoimmune type condition which can also be triggered by stress so I need to allow my body plenty of time to rest & recuperate.

We are travelling to a family wedding back home at the end of the month as we live in another country. We will be travelling through the night on the Wednesday night/Thursday morning (so won't get much sleep that night and I'll need plenty of rest through the day on Thursday), the wedding is then on the Saturday. My DH's only chance for us to all see his sister is on the Friday. I said to my husband I really don't want to over commit our time on the Friday because I need to make sure I have a quiet couple of days before the wedding so as to give myself the best chance of being well for the Saturday. We also have 3 young DC so even just being away from home can be a stress in itself. At worst with this condition, it can affect my ability to walk and it also has a major impact on my appearance. If I have a severe flare up, I won't be able to attend my brothers wedding.

Anyway, DH has gone in a strop about this because he's not seen his sister for months. I understand him feeling that way and did suggest that he spend time with them without me there or maybe I stay for an hour or so but I'm just hurt by the fact he doesn't seem to understand my fear about having a severe flare up. He has made me feel like I'm being unreasonable but I know how important it is for me to prioritise my health and if I run myself into the ground, it'll be me who will be left to suffer.

Please help. AIBU? I think he feels like his family aren't important but that's not the case at all.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 11/08/2017 20:40

Can he see his sister by himself while you rest?

LindyHemming · 11/08/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush · 11/08/2017 20:44

Tell him to take the children to see his sister so that you can rest!

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 11/08/2017 20:45

Just let him take the DC to see his sister.

TwitterQueen1 · 11/08/2017 20:46

Yes, I think you are BU.
I do understand that you need rest, but you've said yourself that you will rest Thursday. Your post is all 'me, me, me' without any kind of accommodation for your DH. I get that you're ill but try to have a little flex for him to enjoy himself and see his relatives.

Tell him to take the DC with him and to have a lovely time without you.

SheldonsSpot · 11/08/2017 20:46

I think it depends - if seeing his sister involves her coming to wherever you're staying for an hour, then YABU.

rollonthesummer · 11/08/2017 20:47

I can totally understand why he wants to see his sister if he's not seen her for months. Why can't he go without you?

Maelstrop · 11/08/2017 20:47

So send him off with the kids to see his sister. Win, win, he sees his sister, you get to rest. Sorted.

Maelstrop · 11/08/2017 20:47

So send him off with the kids to see his sister. Win, win, he sees his sister, you get to rest. Sorted.

Outlookmainlyfair · 11/08/2017 20:50

I can't see how you are being unreasonable as you are not stopping him from seeing his sister, just you are not committing yourself until you know the state of your health. I really hope you feel better soon!

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 11/08/2017 20:50

I can see both sides.

He's spending time travelling to your brothers wedding .... you wont agree to see his sister for a couple of hours ... out of curiosity, have you your own car for this trip or are you relying on public transport?

Only you know how to word this situation with your health and the need for rest so it doesn't cause greater offence. Are the ILs generally understanding of your condition? Are they likely to feel snubbed?

Original poster
LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 20:51

outlook that's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
ImSoUnoriginal · 11/08/2017 20:54

I think he is being a little unfair to ask you to be involved if it means more days out.
Why can't he just go and see her by himself or with the kids, as others have suggested. Sounds reasonable to me. I often do things with my family, without my oh as he's a bit antisocial. 😉

Original poster
LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 20:54

I always put everyone else's needs and wants first, to the detriment of my health. This is the one occasion where I am prioritising myself and it's purely because the purpose of the trip is for my brothers wedding and if I had a severe flare up, I wouldn't be able to go.

My SIL is fairly understanding but when I was diagnosed my PIL were only concerned as to whether or not it was genetic. Not worried about me, just worried about the potential risk to their blood line.

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 11/08/2017 20:54

Yes agree with all above, Is this a problem for him?

paddypants13 · 11/08/2017 20:55

I don't think yabu op. You are not forbidding him from seeing his sister you are simply pointing out that you may be too unwell to go with him.

He can plan to go just him and the children and if you're up to it, you can join them.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 11/08/2017 20:56

X posted, whycany he see sister without you while you rest?

Original poster
LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 20:57

DH made out like I wasn't making the effort, which really hurt me as there's nothing I hate more than having these constraints on me. I would love nothing more than to be fully fit and healthy and not have to live in fear of the next bout of this!

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 20:58

I think I'm just hurt because after all these years, I just feel like he doesn't get it Sad

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 11/08/2017 20:58

Why can't he take the children to see his sister?

Original poster
LoveHeartLove · 11/08/2017 21:00

He can take the children and this is probably what we'll agree on. I'm just hurt that he's made out like I'm choosing this. I would love to be able to go and hang out with them. He's made me feel as though I'm not making the effort.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 11/08/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happypoobum · 11/08/2017 21:10

He sounds pretty pathetic. Why on earth would be pressurise you to accompany him to see his own family when you need to recover from travelling etc to be on top form for your DB wedding?

It sounds like he is "punishing" you for something? Is he angry with you about something? Or does he just resent you for having an underlying condition?

Time for big girl pants.

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 11/08/2017 21:10

Say what you said to us, to him. When it's all calmed down. He just can't see your side right now, but I'm sure he will when you put it like that X

Bizzysocks · 11/08/2017 21:11

What would the visit to the sister involve. If it's sitting in her garden/house while she cooks and the kids play with their cousins ? then that seems more relaxing to me than trying to keep 3 kids occupied in a hotel room all day. So that would look like you are not making an effort. Yes if seeing the sister involves lots of walking or a kid unfriendly trip creating more work for you then that's different.

So for me it deponds on the details of the visit to the sister.