AIBU or is DH

[LoveHeartLove]

I've NC for this. I'm currently quite unwell with a condition with which I suffer from flare ups. (I'm having a severe flare up just now). It's an autoimmune type condition which can also be triggered by stress so I need to allow my body plenty of time to rest & recuperate.

We are travelling to a family wedding back home at the end of the month as we live in another country. We will be travelling through the night on the Wednesday night/Thursday morning (so won't get much sleep that night and I'll need plenty of rest through the day on Thursday), the wedding is then on the Saturday. My DH's only chance for us to all see his sister is on the Friday. I said to my husband I really don't want to over commit our time on the Friday because I need to make sure I have a quiet couple of days before the wedding so as to give myself the best chance of being well for the Saturday. We also have 3 young DC so even just being away from home can be a stress in itself. At worst with this condition, it can affect my ability to walk and it also has a major impact on my appearance. If I have a severe flare up, I won't be able to attend my brothers wedding.

Anyway, DH has gone in a strop about this because he's not seen his sister for months. I understand him feeling that way and did suggest that he spend time with them without me there or maybe I stay for an hour or so but I'm just hurt by the fact he doesn't seem to understand my fear about having a severe flare up. He has made me feel like I'm being unreasonable but I know how important it is for me to prioritise my health and if I run myself into the ground, it'll be me who will be left to suffer.

Please help. AIBU? I think he feels like his family aren't important but that's not the case at all.

Your DH is probably stressed because he is worried about you. Can you explain to him that you know it's hard for him as well but that you really feel that you have to put being well enough to get to your brother's wedding first even though you want to do both and then suggest that he goes to see his sister without you, or that his sister comes to where you are?

Your DH goes with the kids, you stay behind. It's not like it's such a big deal. You're there for your brother's wedding this time, not for his family.

Some people, sadly, just don't get illness. It could have nothing to do with malice, just wishful thinking on overdrive.

I can't see why he can't make arrangements for him to see his sister and take the kids, and if you are OK then you can go too, if not you can spend the day resting. There are an awful lot of ifs in your post, and there is always the chance you'll be fine. It's pretty harsh for him to travel for your brother's wedding and not see his own family.

"Yes, I think you are BU.
I do understand that you need rest, but you've said yourself that you will rest Thursday. Your post is all 'me, me, me' without any kind of accommodation for your DH. I get that you're ill but try to have a little flex for him to enjoy himself and see his relatives."

I'm sorry, are you fucking kidding? Clearly you have zero idea of what a fluctuating illness is actually like to live with and no you can't just make accommodations because your partner throws a strop! OP has said she was happy for him to see his sister and that basically wasn't good enough.

OP, I have a chronic illness that depends on how I'm feeling. Posters here absolutely cannot comment and judge when they have no idea how much you need to rest to get through someone and adding additional visits etc on will just not work, so ignore some advice. YANBU. Your DH is ridiculous and should prioritise you and your health, he is free to be an adult and visit his sister without you holding his hand. If he was any sort of decent and understanding partner, he would already have offered this and to take the children to enable you to have a decent rest.

You sound like you are choosing it. You don't actually know how your health will be and you've already decided you need two days rest.

Why not at least say you'll try health depending? Or go a day earlier so he gets time for his family too. You post is very you centred.

I honestly don't see the issue with him and the children going to see his sister and the OP resting. Am I missing something?

I don't understand WHY he needs you to visit his sister if you don't want to.

This is difficult, there is many auto immune diseases, from ibs to psoriasis, and many more. Your husband clearly thinks whatever yours is, you can manage to see his sister even with a flare up. You don't agree. I sense it's maybe a difrerence of opinion on the seriousness of the disorder and it's impacts between you. I think I'd sit down and chat.

Is it possible he is fed up? Which would be understandable. It is no one's fault. Living with you and working around your illness has got to try the patience of a saint. Again, it is no one's fault.

Try your hardest to go visit his sister with him. All you'llbe doing is sitting anddrinking coffee, right? You'd be doing that wherever you are.

Surely if your illness is really that easily flared up by one visit on the second day after arriving, you should have been going on the trip at all?

What is your illness and how often would you rest for 2 days in a normal week?

LoveHeartLove I don't think YUBU but it is clear that your DH really does not get how your illness affects you. I came across the Spoon Theory a while ago. I have found it useful to help other people understand how a chronic (and invisible) illness impacts on me and prevents me from 'overdoing' things. Hope it all works out for you.

butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Seriously flossy? Yes, silly me, when my illness flares up, I am also just sitting drinking coffee. Ffs. What a load of twaddle.

It's reading this kind of shit which has finally made me realise why I have lost so many friends since having a chronic illness. People just don't get it. And sometimes it's worth the hassle and feeling shit to attend an important event, like a siblings wedding. We make allowances and decide what it's worth to our health. We don't get a choice or to pick up and put down whenever someone else decides what we should and shouldn't do.

yummum, none of that is remotely relevant. How often you would rest at home doesn't compare to resting after a tiring trip and knowing you have a tiring day coming up. Also the illness has nothing to do with anyone and doesn't matter. But this is AIBU so people will of course be contrary and pick holes where ever tbey can. OP you should get this moved.

Sounds like he doesn't want to manage the kids by himself when he goes to see her so wants you along for childcare which will inevitably cause you stress. I'd tell him to strap on a pair and get over it because I'm not going

YANBU. In any circumstances I think he should be able to visit his DS alone but especially in your circumstances. Just say outright that you will not risk missing your brothers wedding - it is a once in a lifetime event and cannot be done another time so it is vital you are well rested for it. It does not mean he cannot see his DS, he just has to take HIS children and visit her without you.

Do they have a good relationship or is there a reason he doesnt want to go without you? Seems to me like he wants another adult there to help boost conversation or something

Have you and, more importantly, your DH, ever read 'The spoon theory'? It is aimed at lupus, put does apply to other things too, just in case it's not that!

Spoon Theory

At the end of the day - if you push yourself too hard you'll end up neither use nor ornament to anyone - you know your own limitations - this way there more chance of you being in an actual position to enjoy your brothers wedding.

There are certain illnesses that are difficult for a lot of people to understand, because they are not only relatively newly discovered, but the symptoms are less 'visible' to other people. So friends and family may think that the person with the illness is a lazy whiner (not helped tbh by the fact that there is a lot of quackery and nonsense associated with such illnesses and there are people who are inclined to self-diagnose because they actually are lazy whiners.)

I don't know what your condition is and how it manifests (I'd be inclined to guess at CFS or fibro or lupus) and I understand you may not want to say.

Your H, living with you, should probably have a better understanding of your condition and what treatment and medical advice you have been given to manage it, so it's possible he is being a bit unreasonable. Are there additional practical steps you or he can take to minimize the risk of a bout of illness, or is it completely unpredictable?

He takes the kids and sees his sister. You rest. Everyone's a winner.

As I said, I'm having a flare up right now. Covered in hives, head to toe, swollen face, legs, feet, arms, hands. Lots of pain. Constant itching. Potentially life threatening.

When I have a flare, it can last for weeks or even months. I don't have a medication which works consistently so the fact I'm having a flare up and I've only got two weeks to get this under some sort of control (if I possibly can). I'm doing all I can right now to follow my GP's advice. To rest and recouperate. Hence the reason I'm weary of committing to anything immediately before the wedding. I just don't want to look like something out of a horror movie on the day.

Or worse, not be well enough to attend. Which I know would break my brothers heart.

Knowing the illness and what a normal week looks like helps us to know how big an issue this is!! I have chronic illnesses too but life goes on and with 3 children I can't imagine she gets much rest anyway!

I have lupus and I understand exactly how you feel. My flares come and go. It's really fucking annoying when they flare up just before something I have been looking forward to. No amount of rest helps me "get over it" quicker, but pacing myself during a flare makes a lot of difference in regards to how much I can achieve.

As for sitting drinking coffee... In a bad flare, I wouldn't even be able to lift the cup without severe pain.

Chronic illness sucks.

yummum there is no typical week for me. I can be in perfect health for months and then in poor health for months. If I was in perfect health just now I wouldn't be worried at all. Since I'm already unwell, I need to be extra cautious.