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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry so much about partner moving in with me and adult children?

68 replies

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:19

I've been with my partner for five years (on my own three years prior to that after H left following his affair). We've come to the point where we'd love to live together (him moving into my house) but I'm really anxious about how it will work out with my kids who still live with me. Eldest is 21 and back home after finishing uni but won't have anything to do with my partner; refuses to speak to or acknowledge him. My younger two at 18 and 16 both still at college and wouldn't mind I don't think. I'm really worried that WW3 will break out if I announce what's going to happen (possibly with my parents too who I worry will think I'm pushing the children out-I'm not-they can all stay here as long as they want to) and that would upset me greatly but how long do I put my life on hold? I've worked and supported the children on my own since exH left and tried to put them first always and give them as good a life as I was able. Why do I feel so guilty about putting myself first and so conflicted about this decision because of my son mainly. Any thoughts or advice....

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 11/08/2017 19:21

Why is your eldest acting like this and what steps have you taken to address it with him?
Sounds awful for you.

Aquathest · 11/08/2017 19:22

Hi OP, My starting point would be finding out why DS1 is so against your OH - are you already aware of his reasons?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 11/08/2017 19:24

Whats the reason he dislikes your DP so much?

WiganPierre · 11/08/2017 19:27

I wouldn't do it. You need to put your children first.

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:28

I honestly don't know the reason why my son won't engage with DP. In five years he has barely spoken a few words to him (although son has bernaway at uni for three years). I think it is about me having a partner rather than anything personal to DP. Son doesn't have any contact with his father since he left and seems to feel I shouldn't have any relationships. I've talked with him many times about it but he just gets angry so for a while now I've just let things be.

OP posts:

usersos · 11/08/2017 19:33

Have you asked your eldest how he'd feel if your partner was to move in and if there's a reason that he can't explain to you why he treats him this way?

Aquathest · 11/08/2017 19:34

Although you have already tried, I think you need to persevere with talking to DS1.
You need to know why he is so angry.
Is it possible he was exposed to something toxic between you and your XH that the other DC are too young to remember?

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:39

Yes, I think son was the eldest and exposed to the worst of the break up which was acrimonious. ExH was (and still is) very difficult and only my middle child has contact with him.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 11/08/2017 19:39

Frankly, at 21 your son is an adult. You are great allowing him to move back home after uni but he needs to recognise that it is your home and at some point, he is going to bugger off because he wants his own home too. Are you to wait potentially years before he moves out? Why should you be on your own because he feels entitled to live your life for you?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think your son needs a calm explaination that you and your partner are going to live together, he is welcome to live there too, but you've waited long enough.

GinIsIn · 11/08/2017 19:48

Your eldest has been that rude for 5 years and you still don't know why?!

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:56

MrsBobDylan I don't think you sound harsh at all, it really echoes the thoughts going through my mind but it doesn't make it any easier! I don't want to hurt or upset anyone (particularly my children as I've tried so hard to give them a happy life since their dad left). I never thought I'd have another relationship and certainly wasn't looking for one when I met my now DP. I'd initially been careful to keep my relationship separate from the children because I didn't feel it was right to involve them and I've always felt I didn't want to push it in their faces whilst they were youngsters growing up. But how long do I wait now? Will there ever be a right time? Do I just take the plunge and deal with the fallout?

OP posts:

fourfuckssake4 · 11/08/2017 19:56

If your eldest witnessed your marriage break and can remember, he is probably just being protective of his Mum. Your dp has to let him know how much he loves and is committed to you

HipsterHunter · 11/08/2017 19:57

Well I'm not a fan of parents moving in new partners when kids are involved and blending families.

But it's been 5 years and 21 isn't a kid!

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 20:01

FenellaMaxwellsPony I agree son has been rude and I've addressed it with him many times. He says that I shouldn't have a relationship and he doesn't want anything to do with it.
He was about 13 when his dad left for the mother of a friend of son so I think son has lots of guilt and hurt which is directed at me like this. I've suggested counselling but he's not interested.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 11/08/2017 20:03

Then I think he needs to go, I'm afraid. If he wants to stand in the way of you having a life, he needs to move out. He's 21 and acting like a spoilt toddler!

notapizzaeater · 11/08/2017 20:06

He's 21 ! An adult behaving like a baby if he was doing this to a stranger what would you do ?

scrabbler3 · 11/08/2017 20:09

Your children are grown. You're entitled to a life.

BeachyKeen · 11/08/2017 20:12

Obviously you are not going to never date, or move on, so the question becomes when?
It sounds like you left a good long gap, and you've got to really know the new person. If your oldest doesn't like it, they are grown, and are free to move on to something they like better.
As for the ones still at home, make sure they, and the new partner, both know the boundaries and expectations from the get go. This is your house, your kids, and you get to set the tone.
You can do this

Chasingsquirrels · 11/08/2017 20:18

Okay, so given you've known this man for 5 years and presumably have no other concerns about him I agree with other posters that you are just going to have to tell your son what is happening.

I got together with late-DH when my children were 9 and 5, then met him after a few months, gradually built up their relationships and he moved in about 16 months in. He died in March when we'd been together just under 6 years.

Your son is an adult and old enough to understand that his mum isn't "just" a mum.

Is getting a new place together rather than moving DP into your space an option?

Nellyphants · 11/08/2017 20:18

I think you need to be firmer with the oldest. You have a relationship, you're happy. He doesn't get to dictate & it's not a negotiation. He doesn't have to like your partner but he does have to be civil. At 21 he doesn't have a 'right' to be in your home, he's there because you're kind

Having said all that I've never been in your situation so it's easy for me to say! Good luck

Chasingsquirrels · 11/08/2017 20:19

There was meant to be a "life is too short - how long do you wait?" Line in there

Moanyoldcow · 11/08/2017 20:22

You shouldn't have a relationship? Fuck that.

I'd always advocate caution when moving a new partner in but your children are nearly all adults and you'vee been together 5 years.

Your son needs to accept or move I'm afraid.

ems137 · 11/08/2017 20:23

I'm sorry to be blunt but your 21 year old doesn't need molly coddling and tip-toeing around. He has been extremely rude and shouldn't be allowed to ignore your partner any longer.

My parent split in a messy divorce when my younger siblings were 8, 12 &13, I was 22. My dad remarried 2 years ago when my sisters were 20 & 21. There is no way my dad would have tolerated anyone being rude to his (now) wife, and rightly so. She was not the other woman and hadn't done anything wrong. The same with your relationship.

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 20:31

Thanks all, your views have been so helpful. I feel so lucky to have DP in my life (DP looks at me sometimes and says the same!). I don't want to cause big family fall outs and DP has been very understanding over son's attitude. I suppose I know son has been hurt badly by his dad and don't want to make things worse BUT he is 21 now and I would hope he could have an adult perspective on what I choose to do with my life.

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/08/2017 20:43

Your son was hurt by his Dad, not you. You have done everything you could to make his life a good one...and he treats you like this? Ask him who he thinks he is telling you that you shouldn't have a relationship?! He's 21, I'd be telling him that he needs to have a good hard think about who has given him everything in life & why he thinks that person shouldn't be happy?

I hope the other two don't treat you as badly.

Move DP in & enjoy your life. If the 21 yo can't sort his shit out & be nice to your DP, who has not done anything wrong, then he needs to leave. It is NOT enough to just not be hostile.

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