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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry so much about partner moving in with me and adult children?

68 replies

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:19

I've been with my partner for five years (on my own three years prior to that after H left following his affair). We've come to the point where we'd love to live together (him moving into my house) but I'm really anxious about how it will work out with my kids who still live with me. Eldest is 21 and back home after finishing uni but won't have anything to do with my partner; refuses to speak to or acknowledge him. My younger two at 18 and 16 both still at college and wouldn't mind I don't think. I'm really worried that WW3 will break out if I announce what's going to happen (possibly with my parents too who I worry will think I'm pushing the children out-I'm not-they can all stay here as long as they want to) and that would upset me greatly but how long do I put my life on hold? I've worked and supported the children on my own since exH left and tried to put them first always and give them as good a life as I was able. Why do I feel so guilty about putting myself first and so conflicted about this decision because of my son mainly. Any thoughts or advice....

OP posts:

Lloyd45 · 23/08/2017 16:33

I would say to your son, do you want a lonely sad old woman for a Mum in the future. When he has a family off his own will he want you coming with him every weekend so you are not on your own. Will he be willing to look after you if you are sick when no one else is around? Is it fair when he moves out you will be on your own?

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 23/08/2017 16:53

All the things that everybody is saying are all things that are so valid and that I've thought of and mostly said to him over the years. Apart from this he's a lovely, intelligent young man who has just graduated with a good degree and has got himself a good job, all totally unprompted by me. The thing that concerns me the most is the controlling aspect of his behaviour. I really must challenge that because I don't want him behaving like that in other relationships he has.

OP posts:

rizlett · 23/08/2017 17:07

I really must challenge that because I don't want him behaving like that in other relationships he has.

Exactly right, op.

You have every right too to move in your dp - maybe you could sell it that you had even considered selling your home and buying a new home together but that you felt this was the more simple way forward.

If you son does stick to his guns and leave please let go of any guilt you might feel and just accept he is learning much needed lessons that will really help him in future relationships.

Ragwort · 23/08/2017 17:16

I agree your DS's behaviour is apalling but why is your DP even considering moving in when he knows what the atmosphere is going to be like? I wouldn't move in with someone if they had an adult child that wouldn't speak to me. .

Huge dilema for you.

FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2017 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blossomdeary · 23/08/2017 17:28

He is 21 and he is a big boy now. If he found a partner with whom he wished to share a home he would be off and away without a thought for your feelings.

Ellisandra · 23/08/2017 17:39

The atmosphere is going to be horrible, and that could really put a strain on your relationship.

For that reason - and not to give in to your son's control - I would stage this.

I'd have my boyfriend move in weeks only (or whayever). This might make the shitty behaviour ramp up - as he'll think he has more chance to stop it. But I think it's worth that risk.

It will give your son time to adjust.
It will give the 16/18yo time to adjust - even though they accept it, it will still be an adjustment.
It will give you time to adjust, and your boyfriend.
It will give you and your boyfriend a bolt hole (his place) for a while, if you need time together away from the drama.

Willow2017 · 23/08/2017 18:06

Ragwort

How long is op supposed to wait to live with her partner?
Until the ds is 25? 30? or should she force him to grow up and start being respectful to her and her choice of partner in her house or move out.

He needs to learn he doesnt dictate what op does with her life, its not his business to dictate to anyone how they live.

SomeDoNot · 23/08/2017 18:08

Can you leave them and spend more time with DP? I don't mean full time but you start staying 2 or 3 nights a week at his leaving them alone at yours?

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2017 19:08

have you told your ds the terms, op?

SandyY2K · 23/08/2017 19:24

Don't let him hold you to ransom. If he wants to move out, then fine. In fact him saying he won't engage and ignore you DP... Is enough reason for him to leave.

He's trying to control you and his behaviour is ridiculous.

There comes a time you need to live your life. He needs to sort this out in his own head.

His behaviour is bordering on bullying tbh.

seasidesally · 23/08/2017 19:36

i wonder how he would feel if you treated his girlfriend the way he treats your dp

how would he feel if you told him his girlfriend couldnt come to yours etc

i think he is seeing himself as the male of the house

dont let him rule you op you have done nothing wrong

dolcezza99 · 23/08/2017 19:47

If he's got a good job as you say, then he needs to move out into his own place where he gets to dictate things to his heart's content. His behaviour is awful. Good luck with your partner moving in.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 23/08/2017 19:57

My sister was this way with the man my Mum ended up marrying.
She was awful to him then Mum moved in with him Sis wasn't even living at home. She had waited till we were adults too, Sis was 23.
She ended up being taken out for coffee by my Mums best fried who talked to her about Mum being young enough to still have a life, and love and Sis's behavior towards him was ruining Mums happiness and didn't she want Mum happy, or all alone and lonely or some such speech
Sis agreed to be civil and let them be happy.
She got closer to him as a Step father than me, he even walked her down the isle. Not perfect, some disagreements but better that her being so awful.
I hope you can get through to your Ds he shouldn't stop you from being happy and living life. He's being very selfish.

Ragwort · 23/08/2017 20:40

Willow - I absolutely agree that the DS shouldn't be behaving like this but it is going to be very hard to make him be pleasant and nice to the DP if he moves in, as Ellis says, the atmosphere is going to be horrible if/when DP moves in ......... whatever the moral 'rights or wrongs' are - if it was me (as the DP) I would not want to move into a home where I was clearly so unwelcome.

Yes, the OP might force the issue by DP moving in, but I can't see a happy ending for anyone.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2017 20:55

I agree with Ragwort. It's all very well that ideally he should be made to accept the OPs Partner, but i reality him moving in will split the family.

It might be the eldest DS choice, but it isn't the choice of the 16 year old (who is by definition still a child). Come Christmas etc how will this work?

If I was the Partner and the OP (I'm single with Adult children), I would wait two years, maximum and then think about living together.

That is, if I wanted a relationship with all of my children.

After all the OP hasn't lived with her Boyfriend yet and once they do they may decide that they aren't as compatible as they thought, if the OP picks him over her children, were does that leave her?

I know this situation shouldn't be happening, but it is and the OP has to live with the fallout.

Original poster

RunnerBeanMama · 23/08/2017 22:43

Lots of food for thought here! I have known DP for five years so I don't feel I'm rushing in to this. My concern is about causing a split in the family I have worked so hard to provide for and maintain since my exH left (when oldest DS was 13). But how long do I wait for a change? Eldest DS is entitled to his opinions but do I let those control how I live my life.........

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2017 23:14

OP - you are not causing any rift.
Your ds is choosing to cause a rift - don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

Your other dc might miss him not living at home - but they would have to get used to that anyway as he can't live with you forever shudder
He's choosing to ignore his siblings feelings too as well as yours

It's about time he grew up some!
YOU are the head of the house, the majority have spoken...and he has no actual reason to dislike your dp.
Therefore, YOU decide what happens in your home.

I suggest you refuse to allow his gf over or do something to give him a taste if his own medicine.
He sounds rather spoiled and entitled tbh.

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