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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry so much about partner moving in with me and adult children?

68 replies

RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 19:19

I've been with my partner for five years (on my own three years prior to that after H left following his affair). We've come to the point where we'd love to live together (him moving into my house) but I'm really anxious about how it will work out with my kids who still live with me. Eldest is 21 and back home after finishing uni but won't have anything to do with my partner; refuses to speak to or acknowledge him. My younger two at 18 and 16 both still at college and wouldn't mind I don't think. I'm really worried that WW3 will break out if I announce what's going to happen (possibly with my parents too who I worry will think I'm pushing the children out-I'm not-they can all stay here as long as they want to) and that would upset me greatly but how long do I put my life on hold? I've worked and supported the children on my own since exH left and tried to put them first always and give them as good a life as I was able. Why do I feel so guilty about putting myself first and so conflicted about this decision because of my son mainly. Any thoughts or advice....

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 11/08/2017 20:57

He says that I shouldn't have a relationship and he doesn't want anything to do with it.

Your son is 21 years old and a grown man and he is behaving like a young child. I'm sorry OP, but your son needs a big fat dose of grow the fuck up and if he doesn't like your partner he can move out.

Having a difficult childhood because of parents divorcing is not an excuse to be behaving like this at 21. He's being an absolute brat. How dare he tell you that you shouldn't have a relationship?

TheSolitaryBoojum · 11/08/2017 21:09

Is your son in a relationship? Sometimes it's hard for adult children to develop an adult relationship with a parent, but it's necessary. You are entitled to a life and to happiness, and he can move out if he can't be a civil housemate. My adult children are still at home, only works because we respect each other.

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 21:28

AnnieAnoniMouse Thank you! I hadn't thought of it like that before, that son was hurt by his dad, not me. I suppose I'm just sad that they've all had to deal with so much hurt and I feel guilty about it too (although I've got no reason to) which makes me find this whole thing difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 21:30

Yes son does have a girlfriend. He doesn't seem to see that I have the same right to a personal life!

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TheSolitaryBoojum · 11/08/2017 21:36

You do. Grit your teeth and ditch the guilt. Even if they don't understand what they are doing, the guilt is used to manipulate situations, and an adult outside the home often reverts to being a brat in the home, with mummy as the punchbag. It's not ok, or reasonable and he needs to understand that.
Ask him if he wants his life to be static, he can be your little boy, no relationships, no sex, no nights out unless it's as a family. For as long as you live. Because if you can't have a life, neither can he. That's fair.
Or he can realise that he has no right to dictate to you.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 11/08/2017 21:38

Is there any other adult in your family's life who can sit DS down and really try to get through to him? eg family friend, uncle, scout leader etc. Someone he respects, perhaps who has been through a divorce and new relationship.

Otherwise I really agree with everyone else. You have the right to e happy in a relationship with someone, you have clearly put your children first and if DS cant accept that then he needs to quickly be moving on with his life elsewhere.

yummumto3girls · 11/08/2017 21:39

Ask your DS how he would feel if you banned him from having a girlfriend or if you were hostile towards her?! Your new DP sounds lovely, go for it - you have done your job, been a fantastic mum and now it's your turn to be happy as long as all 3 children are made to feel equally part of the new arrangement...and your DP is happy to continue to work at it!

MrsExpo · 11/08/2017 21:40

I think the riot act needs reading here. Why on earth does your son think that you shouldn't have a relationship? He's being both rude and childish.

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 21:54

I agree with all of the above. Thank you all for giving your opinions; I value an outside perspective. The children are very close to my parents who have been extremely supportive to me, enabling me to work, study and socialise by providing childcare over the years. My father in particular has been helpful on trying to talk to my son. My mother on the other hand takes the children's side and always sticks up for them (my son in particular) and will always give his poor behaviour the benefit of the doubt, making me feel bad.

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 11/08/2017 21:56

I think you need a word with your mum too!

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 11/08/2017 21:59

Yes I know! She says she feels son has had a difficult time with his father so go easy on him. I have had some quite heated discussions over the years when I've tried to explain that I have to address poor behaviour/attitudes in all sorts of areas. I have at times felt undermined by her.

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btp54 · 11/08/2017 22:50

I had a similar situation when I was 21, my mother moved her partner in to the house, at the time I was man of the house as my father had died when I was 14, I already disliked this man as we had all worked together, within a short while he bullied my younger sister then tried it with me and we came to blows and he got hurt, things didn't improve for the next 40 years, my mother lost most of her friends and family because of him and we haven't spoken for 5 years because of this man, he is now dead but our relationship is now ruined.
talk to your son for the reasons why he doesn't like him, don't lose your son

kooshbin · 11/08/2017 23:17

I wonder if there's a bit of your son that's still stuck in the past. I'm not implying that he's emotionally immature, just that maybe there's still a bit of that 13-year-old who got hurt by the man who was with his mother, and subconsciously fears he's going to get hurt again by the new(ish) man in his mother's life.

I'm not sure that makes sense, but I was struck by your feeling that it wasn't about your DP but about you having a partner. The teens are tricky years, with a strange mixture of awareness and vulnerability yet not being able to do anything to protect themselves and others. It could be that he's projecting the past onto the present.

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 12/08/2017 08:32

I really think son's 'objections' to DP cannot be personal to DP because they've never really spent any time together. Don has never experienced anything with him. DP has never been anything but kind and loving towards me. I suppose son may well feel protective towards me and it comes out like this.

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Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 23/08/2017 13:33

So a couple of weeks since I posted; I've spoken with all three children about DP moving in with us. As expected younger two seem to offer no objections, oldest DS (aged21) says he will have nothing to do with it; says he will move out; won't engage with it at all; won't speak to DP; will stay in his room all the time unless he's working etc.
I'm in such a dilemma. I feel like this choice is breaking up my family. My younger DS (16) has told me he will miss older DS terribly if he leaves and that breaks my heart. I've no idea what to do. I feel guilty for doing what I want and now paralysed about making any decision at all. Can anyone help?

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user1471462428 · 23/08/2017 13:38

Did he give you any idea why he feels so strongly about this?

MatildaTheCat · 23/08/2017 13:44

Sorry, but if you back down you have given your 21 year old too much power. In a few years he may well look back and cringe at his foolishness. I would set a timeframe for dp to move in and be very clear to ds that you are NOT asking him to leave but that you DO have a right to happiness and a personal life and he will not be stopping that.

He needs to make a decision whether to stay and be pleasant or leave. Not stay and sulk and skulk and make dp feel unwelcome. Be open with everyone and be firm with your parents. Fgs you are divorced not signed up to a nunnery.

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 23/08/2017 13:46

No he has never been able or willing to say why he feels like this. He just says I'm as bad as his dad (who left us after I discovered a two year affair with the mum of one of DS's friends) and he's not having anything to do with any partner I have. He had maintained this position unchangingly for the last five years since I met DP (only relationship I have had since my divorce). He won't or can't say anything further although I have tried many times to discuss over the years.

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wtffgs · 23/08/2017 13:54

It sounds as if you would be doing him a favour by standing up to his controlling behaviour. A grown man doesn't get to dictate his mother's life. He needs to understand this. You aren't breaking up the family, you didn't cause his father to walk out. This sham blaming of you is not acceptable.

FWIW I'm not a fan of the move-a-new-one in style of family (long term LP) but you have a right to a life and he dies not have a right to stop you.

Willow2017 · 23/08/2017 13:57

Tell him its his choice.
Tell him having an affair while married and having a rellationship with someone when you are single is not the same.
You are not having an affair with this man over your DS, its really none of his business what you do.
He is an adult and expects the right to have a relationship but you are supposed to stay a nun forever cos he says so? Sod that.
He is an adult time he started acting like it.

As PP said give him a deadline for when FP is moving in. Say he either stays and is respectful to you both (ignoring your partner is extremely disrespectful to you as well as dp) or he had better find somewhere else to live before that date.

He is acting like a spoilt two year old having a tantrum over not getting you all to himself. Tell him to grow up.

And have a word with your mum too, your relationship is none of her business either and condoning rudeness and bratty behaviour is pathetic. Is she trying to buy the kids love with letting them act like brats and not standing up for your right to a life too?

KickAssAngel · 23/08/2017 14:02

It sounds like there's a lot of angst from the break up that he's just buried and refuses to see. Almost as if he thinks you'll run away/leave if you ever have another relationship, like his Dad did.

But he's an adult and needs to deal with his problems and not dump them on you. Hiding in his room isn't OK, and I wouldn't trust him not to stir up trouble, It's not just your DP that he's upsetting and everyone in the family will be affected by his teenage strop.

Tell him that you love him, hope he is happy in life, and where is new rental place going to be?

Leavingonajet · 23/08/2017 14:04

I think that moving out would be the best idea for the 21 year old. I am in favour of DC having a space in the parental home for as long as they need but this has to be balanced with understanding that you have a life to lead as well. I think my approach would be that he is welcome to stay but the ground rules are that he is civil to your partner and yourself. You do not expect him to fake something he doesn't feel but he does need to behave like an adult. If he can't do this he needs to find somewhere else to live. It is not emotionally healthy for any of your DC to either behave like your DS is or to witness him behaving like this.

comedycentral · 23/08/2017 14:11

You need to tell him that you won't have a grown man control your life! He is an adult, you have all enabled him for far too long. It's time to take control of your own life.

Original poster
RunnerBeanMama · 23/08/2017 14:30

Thanks all; your replies have been helpful in gaining perspective. I would never have considered moving a partner in here when my children were younger. I felt very firmly that I wanted to maintain my family unit following my divorce. I have a professional job and have supported them all on my own happily (although there are always challenges aren't there?!?) I never envisaged finding another partner and feel so lucky to have my lovely DP. The children are all older now and off doing their own things and it feels like the right thing for me to do.
I need to (wo)man up and just make the decision and do it don't I!?!

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SonicBoomBoom · 23/08/2017 15:57

oldest DS (aged21) says he will have nothing to do with it; says he will move out; won't engage with it at all; won't speak to DP; will stay in his room all the time unless he's working etc.

Then you tell him this^^ isn't an option. He either tells you exactly what his problem is (if he has a legitimate one) so it can be addressed, stays living there but stops acting like a controlling dickheadand starts being nice to your DP, or he moves out.

He doesn't get to stay in your house and treat you so disrespectfully.