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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving away when 19 yr old still in uni?

74 replies

Toplady1 · 11/08/2017 17:16

My 19 is about to start his 2nd yr in uni, he lives with me and his stepdad officially but spends his time roaming between us, his dad, his gf and his friends. I've recently become disabled due to a spinal fracture so need to move to a bungalow; only problem is that bungalows are virtually non existent in our area so am having to search further afield (maybe 40/50minutes away?) It is slightly further complicated by the fact that DH wants a 'forever home' for him and me and I don't want to hurt either DH or DS. DS has been supportive until yesterday when we saw one property that was perfect but 45 minutes away from home. He texted me a message (paraphrased below!) stating exactly how he felt and it really upset me! Am I being unreasonable moving whilst he's in uni? We hardly ever see him, maybe once every ten days so I didn't think so but need some outside advice please!

"If you guys think it's the best thing for you, then go for it! If it's as you say a forever home, then don't try and convince me or use your emotions to validate it, as I'm not going to be living there. But I just want to say that if you two move to XXX, then I won't be able to see you as much, since I'll have no way of getting there on my own, and everything that I do in Wales is in and around were we are now. I'm not saying don't move there, as I said before if you guys think it's best for you, then carry on, but you need to bear in mind that even though yes I do not live here anymore, and yes XXXX are also your kids and would be in the same boat as me, that I would not be coming to XXX all the time as it's unfeasible for me"

OP posts:

MrsQuim · 11/08/2017 17:18

What's wrong with that? I think it's a perfectly good response!

stonecircle · 11/08/2017 17:20

Yes, what's wrong with that? Seems like a balanced and reasonable response.

Newtssuitcase · 11/08/2017 17:21

I think its a perfectly normal response too. He's saying go for it but please don't expect me to come over as much because its not close.

gottachangethename1 · 11/08/2017 17:22

You are moving 50 minutes away, not 50 hours! And it's for health/quality of life reasons. That's a selfish attitude, if he doesn't want to travel then maybe he can consider halls of residence. Done my previously lovely but lazy dd the power of good.

Haffdonga · 11/08/2017 17:23

Sounds like you're being reasonable but so is he. He's being honest that it will be difficult for him to see you as much. You're going to have to balance your wish to be able to see your ds as a regular drop every ten days or so with your desire for this particular house.

You sound hurt by his reaction but he sounds quite hurt by your plan to move away from his 'home' town too.

NancyJoan · 11/08/2017 17:24

No, you shouldn't delay moving, do what is right for you and your DH, as your son says, he doesn't live at home anymore, and he's happy for you to make the move now.

And seeing your son once every ten days when he is away at university is A LOT!

senua · 11/08/2017 17:25

Here's a novel idea: talk to him!
It's easy to misunderstand the tone of voice in a text.
Just talk to him.

SheepyFun · 11/08/2017 17:29

My father's job moved rather further than that (hundreds of miles) when I (and younger siblings) were at uni. Given my father's age, he had no choice but to move; he couldn't afford to retire, and was in a niche occupation. We all coped, and I wouldn't have thought of sending that sort of message to my parents - not least, they were supporting us financially, and wouldn't have been able to do so if my father hadn't been working. I think your son sounds very selfish; you have good reason to move; go for it.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 11/08/2017 17:32

I agree that you need to talk, preferable face-to-face. I think he understands where you are coming from but wants you to know how things will be for him. It doesn't mean that you can't figure out a way for it to work though.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/08/2017 17:33

Like your ds, I was 19 when my parents moved from my family home, and I just barely stayed with them after that. Saw them much less than I would have done if they hadn't moved.

I think you just need to accept you won't see him as much, but ultimately it's your life which you need to live.

ZanyMobster · 11/08/2017 17:34

Actually I think in your DSs shoes I would be quite upset and I think he has said how he feels but hasn't been unkind. He's untitled to feel any way he likes about it.

You are entitled to move to wherever you want also, you don't have to justify it to anyone. If there really are no bungalows suitable in the area that is one thing but it sounds more like your DH wants his forever home and that is why you need to move so far, what is it that you actually want?? The way you have worded your OP does not sound as if you want to move that far. I may be wrong.

I am 37, married with kids and would be gutted if my parents moved 50 minutes away.

Crispsheets · 11/08/2017 17:37

Its hardly miles away.
I'm moving much further away when dcs are in university

TheNightmanCometh · 11/08/2017 17:43

You're upset because he's presented you with a truth you find unpalatable.

I don't think you're BU necessarily to move while he's in uni, but in that case, neither is he BU to put his own interests first. You have the right to live where you won't, but you don't have the right to expect him not to tell the truth about it. Would you rather he didn't warn you about not being around as much?

user1492287253 · 11/08/2017 17:47

Its fine. My dd is 19 and we are moving 2.5 hrs away. Its hard but it is the right thing. I think he is trying to say dont make him feel guilty.

ludothedog · 11/08/2017 17:53

19 is still very young and he isn't settled, just away at uni. When you move he will be losing what he has considered his home. Have you made it clear that he will always have a place at yours should he need it? Have you had that talk with him?

I have been so lucky in my life that I have always known that if things go tits up that DD and I can always go back to my parents to my old bedroom. I've never had to use my safety net but knowing it is there has allowed me to feel safe and take risks like going back to uni as an adult.

Your son will be losing his safety net. I think you need to acknowledge that.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/08/2017 17:55

I agree ludo. It's quite destabilising at that age for your family home to move out of the area.

HipsterHunter · 11/08/2017 17:59

Why are you upset? He is being quite mature saying that he can't get to that place very easily and his whole life is around where he is at the moment. He isn't trying to blackmail you!

farfarawayfromhome · 11/08/2017 18:00

When I went to uni I was 400 miles away from home and a flight and a train ride away. We all coped! I'm now an expat and we travel vast distances to see one another, it is really not the end of the world!

FWIW when I was at unit there was not one student who lived at home with their parents...

Crispsheets · 11/08/2017 18:04

I think it's a big ask to expect parents to live in the same home children grew up in. I am.planning a brand new chapter after years of putting everyone else first. I'm not ready for a dotage of gardening and eladticated waists, or being a grandma.

RiverTam · 11/08/2017 18:05

Well - you can't expect him to commute from your new place to uni if there's no way of doing it! Is he getting a house saw for the 2nd year?

You clearly have very valid reasons for making this move at this time - but I do think that moving when your DC are adult means that your new home is not their home and the connection is lost. And generally I think that DC who are at uni, even if they are 'away' at uni, still have the right to call the family home their home. But your new place won't be.

Equally, his response is quite negative as he seems to be implying that he's not going to make much effort.

It's a big deal for you both. I wouldn't be too hasty making judgements on what he's saying or thinking. Just keep communication open.

thatdearoctopus · 11/08/2017 18:16

I would not do that to my child. My home is their home until they buy/long-term rent their own.

Sorry, if that's not what you want to hear.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 11/08/2017 18:22

He's sounding mature and very reasonable. The reality is that you can't have it all right now. Maybe he'll be able to visit more whenever he gets a car or something, but he can't visit as much as he does currently if you're further from him,

user53592952153 · 11/08/2017 18:22

What @ludothedogsaid.

You are pulling the rug from under his feet. IMO that's wrong. Stay where you are and get a stair lift instead.

Glumglowworm · 11/08/2017 18:24

Yanbu to move especially as it's for health reasons

But equally hinbu to say that he won't be able to get there easily and you won't see as much of him, especially if it's not easily accessed on public transport

StaplesCorner · 11/08/2017 18:30

I'm really confused at these responses, the OP has recently become disabled, That, to me, over-rides anything other consideration. i think his text is odd, is there a back story? What on earth is all this "don't try and convince me or use your emotions to validate it"? Either you've had a fight or he is spoiling for one.

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