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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving away when 19 yr old still in uni?

74 replies

Toplady1 · 11/08/2017 17:16

My 19 is about to start his 2nd yr in uni, he lives with me and his stepdad officially but spends his time roaming between us, his dad, his gf and his friends. I've recently become disabled due to a spinal fracture so need to move to a bungalow; only problem is that bungalows are virtually non existent in our area so am having to search further afield (maybe 40/50minutes away?) It is slightly further complicated by the fact that DH wants a 'forever home' for him and me and I don't want to hurt either DH or DS. DS has been supportive until yesterday when we saw one property that was perfect but 45 minutes away from home. He texted me a message (paraphrased below!) stating exactly how he felt and it really upset me! Am I being unreasonable moving whilst he's in uni? We hardly ever see him, maybe once every ten days so I didn't think so but need some outside advice please!

"If you guys think it's the best thing for you, then go for it! If it's as you say a forever home, then don't try and convince me or use your emotions to validate it, as I'm not going to be living there. But I just want to say that if you two move to XXX, then I won't be able to see you as much, since I'll have no way of getting there on my own, and everything that I do in Wales is in and around were we are now. I'm not saying don't move there, as I said before if you guys think it's best for you, then carry on, but you need to bear in mind that even though yes I do not live here anymore, and yes XXXX are also your kids and would be in the same boat as me, that I would not be coming to XXX all the time as it's unfeasible for me"

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 11/08/2017 18:38

My parents recently moved 4 hours away from me (previously 30 minutes). I really wish I'd said something like you son said up front because it's turned out that my parents expect me to be visiting with the same frequency as I did when they were more local, which has caused lots of upset.

So I absolutely think you should do what's best for you, but equally accept your son's point of view.

nosyupnorth · 11/08/2017 18:49

YABVU
That doesn't read like he's complaining about the move at all to me, it just means he's making sure you understand that he's an adult with his own life now and he won't be following you when you go - perfectly reasonable.

Personally I find the fact you were seeing him nearly every week despite him being at uni now incredibly bizarre - this change seems like an improvement, it's past time to cut the cord.

meatup · 11/08/2017 18:58

Oh for fuck sake some of these responses - he's 19 - he's at uni. An awful lot of people don't move home again, I can't even think of any! I don't thing there is anything wrong with his text though.

AmyGardner · 11/08/2017 19:08

Stay where you are and get a stairlift??? Do you know anything at all about the OP's condition?

I would do this; it sounds like your quality of life depends on it.

Sparkletastic · 11/08/2017 19:10

He sounds hurt but reasonable and fair.

bridgetreilly · 11/08/2017 19:12

I think YABU to be hurt by that response. It sounds really thoughtful and honest to me. He's saying you should do what you need to, but the reality is that it will be harder for him to see you if you move.

BaldricksTrousers · 11/08/2017 19:15

I was about that age and in university when my parents moved across the country. It was the bloody best thing that could have happened to me at that age. It forced me to grow up very quickly (although they still supported me in different ways), and I felt more freedom to explore and find out who I was.

I would be happy that my kid responded with such even measure and positivity.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2017 19:30

Seems like a reasonable response to me.

NoHunsHereHun · 11/08/2017 19:42

My friends parents moved 40 miles away when he went to uni. Then when he started his masters they moved to Spain. He was fine, they were fine, your sons response is fair enough - at least he's being up front. Accept it and put yourself first, as he's telling you to.

JustKeepDancing · 11/08/2017 19:44

My parents (divorced, both remarried) both moved away from my home city when I was at Uni and both relocated in small towns in the countryside. I really struggled with it - I went to Uni in London and couldn't afford to stay there, so afterwards I ended up somewhere completely random. Ten years later, I feel a bit "unsettled" in that nowhere really is "home".

I was very bitter and angry when my parents moved as neither set discussed it with me at all. The belongings I had "left behind" in my teenage bedroom at my dad's house were thrown away or given away without my knowledge (including my childhood books and toys), and both sets only told me they were moving after they had put their houses on the market. I had no say in what was happening to my childhood homes and felt like the decisions about being able to go home (or not) after I finished uni were made for me.

I think YANBU to move because of your disability and I think YANBU to have mentioned it to your son. But similarly I think he is being very sensible in pointing out that he won't see you as often (especially if he doesn't have a car. That was the biggest problem for me. 50min in a car was 2h by public transport) and that the dynamics of your relationship will change.

But I'd urge you to involve him in the process if you want him to still see it as a home he can come back to, invite him to visit potential properties with you, ask for his help with unpacking and decorating, and for goodness' sake talk it through face to face.

Pengggwn · 11/08/2017 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Polichinelle · 11/08/2017 19:53

I think his response is perfectly normal. He understands your needs but he's just making sure you understand his life is where he is now and therefore he'll be seeing less of you. I can't see any issue with that. I moved countries when I was 18, so I only see my parents twice a year. It's not a big deal.

Lucysky2017 · 11/08/2017 20:31

Nice boy...... Shame about the mother and stepfather!
My children are home half the year at university and 3 came home to live after (2 went to law school after and lived at home). Plenty of chidlren need the famuily home I would say for at least 6 years from age 18 if they go to university. I would not move a man iin and I would not move away. However everyone is different. Where is this young man going to keep this stuff or is it at his father's?

ZanyMobster · 11/08/2017 20:44

I don't think anyone is really suggesting the OPs disability shouldn't come first but the OP reads as if they could actually stay close by but the SD, not the DSs dad, wants a forever home. Part of me feels that if it was his dad not step dad his forever home may be nearer his DCs. I may be completely wrong and happy to be corrected.

safariboot · 11/08/2017 21:00

YANBU to move. But reading between the lines, it sounds like the place you're considering has poor public transport. Is that really what you want in a 'forever home'?

Also, if DS is currently living with you, I'd be thinking of the financial impact on him. Even with the increased maintenance loan he'll still needs to find about £3000 or so a year. That's money he could better use for his own future. (Although depending on his personality, it's also money he could simply squander.)

safariboot · 11/08/2017 21:04

Ignore that second paragraph, I'm stupid, you did say that he lives in other places. Although it sounds like he actually doesn't have a fixed abode? That's not ideal.

frieda909 · 11/08/2017 21:15

My dad and his wife moved somewhere without a bedroom for my brother when he had just moved away for uni. My parents are divorced so he still had the option of staying with my mum, but she lived much further away and his 'official' home had always been with my dad.

We all understood why they'd done it as there were lots of practical and financial reasons why it made sense, but it caused some really horrible tension and made my brother feel very unwanted.

I'm not saying don't move away, but make sure you handle it sensitively and don't dismiss his feelings about it all. It's good that you've involved him in some of the early discussions about it, as with my brother it was basically presented to him as a done deal which I think was a big part of the problem.

junebirthdaygirl · 11/08/2017 21:25

My dss friend told me his dm was selling their family home and moving. He was 19. I said do you mind? . He said not at all its her life. I am moved out to go to college and wont be living there again so its totally up to her. No df on the scene.
But at the same time l notice with my own they depend on home a lot at that age and its difficult having that taken away.

missymayhemsmum · 11/08/2017 21:29

It's a big change for him to go from having a bedroom at 'home' where he never sleeps to being properly moved out, and it sounds as though if you weren't disabled he wouldn't be making that move for a while yet. (He hasn't flown the nest, he's still flapping about on the edge waiting for a shove) Would he be able to come and stay with you? Will you have a guest bedroom? Could he come and live there if he needed to after uni/ in the holidays?
If so, and the move is right for you and DH then tell him to a) get over himself, b) go to uni properly instead of squatting between homes and c) get himself some transport and a licence.

Namechanged1234567890 · 11/08/2017 22:11

Noones being unreasonable in this situation but please make sure that in your forever home your children always feel welcome. I'm currently with my parents and knowing that I have a safe place that I can can visit if my situation ever necessitates it has been invaluable.

Namechanged1234567890 · 11/08/2017 22:15

tell him to A) get over himself B) go to uni properly instead of squatting between homes

Is this for real. When my friends went to uni I don't think anyone didn't come home for four weeks at Christmas and for at least some of the summer from may to September.
Student lets are generally not test round and don't allow students for August or July and August. Lots of teens aren't properly able to leave home at 19 even if they are at uni

Namechanged1234567890 · 11/08/2017 22:16

Year round not test x

geekone · 11/08/2017 22:26

Actually IDTYABU his text may sound reasonable and to the point but it's extremely passive aggressive. Talk to him face to face ask him how he feels and let him know you understand he won't be home as much and if you can let him know you will help him visit and visit him. You need to move on, do what's best for you he won't think of you if he gets offered a fantastic job after uni 5 hours drive away or meets a girl/boy from The Outer Hebrides and moves to be with her/him. I left home at 19 to uni I came home for 1.5-2 weeks over Christmas and the odd weekend here or there. Do what is best for you

peachgreen · 11/08/2017 22:27

Mumsnet is BAFFLING at times. Plenty of people come on here wanting to move their kids at far more pivotal ages because they just fancy a change, and everyone tells them to go for it. OP needs to move for health reasons and people tell her she's being U? Ridiculous.

I'm really sorry your son has reacted this way OP. My mum was diagnosed with a chronic illness when I wasn't much younger than your DS and she is now confined to a wheelchair. I WISH they'd move out of the family home to something that's more comfortable for her and have begged them to consider it. If they decided to move I would be fully supportive. Her health and happiness are far more important to me than them staying in the area I grew up in. And I would have felt the same when I was at university.

SomeOtherFuckers · 11/08/2017 22:53

Every ten days is more than I saw my mum when I technically still lived with her.
He's said it's fine but he won't be visiting as often - fair enough. It's rude of you to expect him to.

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