Moving away when 19 yr old still in uni?

[Toplady1]

My 19 is about to start his 2nd yr in uni, he lives with me and his stepdad officially but spends his time roaming between us, his dad, his gf and his friends. I've recently become disabled due to a spinal fracture so need to move to a bungalow; only problem is that bungalows are virtually non existent in our area so am having to search further afield (maybe 40/50minutes away?) It is slightly further complicated by the fact that DH wants a 'forever home' for him and me and I don't want to hurt either DH or DS. DS has been supportive until yesterday when we saw one property that was perfect but 45 minutes away from home. He texted me a message (paraphrased below!) stating exactly how he felt and it really upset me! Am I being unreasonable moving whilst he's in uni? We hardly ever see him, maybe once every ten days so I didn't think so but need some outside advice please!

"If you guys think it's the best thing for you, then go for it! If it's as you say a forever home, then don't try and convince me or use your emotions to validate it, as I'm not going to be living there. But I just want to say that if you two move to XXX, then I won't be able to see you as much, since I'll have no way of getting there on my own, and everything that I do in Wales is in and around were we are now. I'm not saying don't move there, as I said before if you guys think it's best for you, then carry on, but you need to bear in mind that even though yes I do not live here anymore, and yes XXXX are also your kids and would be in the same boat as me, that I would not be coming to XXX all the time as it's unfeasible for me"

Yanbu to move for your health reasons, but your ds is nbu either - he may have transitioned to uni, but his DF, his friends, his hobbies, his life as he knows it are still in that town 50 mins away from your potential new house, a house that your DH has firmly designated as a space for the two of you. Your DS' message is perfectly reasonable - I know where I'd be considering to be home.

You are pulling the rug from under his feet. IMO that's wrong. Stay where you are and get a stair lift instead

You're not actually serious? He's an adult! A grown man, living away, who also has another parental home to go to. How long do you expect mammy to put her own needs on hold for this adult child?

I think she is putting her DHs needs first, no one elses. A child at Uni is still a dependent IMO, but without more info from the OP. Did you discuss with your DS first? where will he be officially living or is he on his own now?

Not entirely unreasonable to find his own place but I have never heard of parents doing something like this whilst their DCs are at uni unless absolutely necessary. If that's the case then you have nothing to worry about . . .

think she is putting her DHs needs first, no one elses

Then you didn't actually read the OP. It's easier to have an opinion on a post when you've read it. Try again!

We hardly ever see him, maybe once every ten days so I didn't think so but need some outside advice please!

Wait, he's at uni and you see him every 10 days and that's not enough? I think YABU there, but you're not being unreasonable to move. He's also not being unreasonable in not being able to visit you as much, though. Uni is stressful and he can't just up and leave every 10 days to travel an extra hour to see you when he has work to do and a social life to keep up with, societies, possibly seminars and if he works, a job. Even if he doesn't work I think you're being a little selfish expecting him to visit you with the same frequency unless you're paying for all of his travel (as extra travel money, not within his monthly budget) and he has the time to do so.

I only get to see my parents every few MONTHS because third year has so much work I need to be in my university town to complete (field work)

Wait, he's at uni and you see him every 10 days and that's not enough?

He doesn't live at uni though. He says he lives with OP but in reality he spends almost all of his time elsewhere.

The OP is being quite right to move to a place she can manage and presumably when her DH wants a forever home it's because he and she want to settle, relax, and not move again with associated costs. So YANBU OP. Providing you've thought it through and is a forever home because there are good transport links, local care etc, easy shopping etc and somewhere you can enjoy and has enough room for visiting DC. And that you've sorted out wills/financial arrangements for your various families.

And OP's son is NBU. I thought it was a good and frank note. I find it surprising as a 19 yo at uni he was visiting every ten days but he's clear he won't be able to make it that often after the move. I didn't see my parents at all during term time and nor have my DCs visited me. Unless he needs a base financially this move might let him fly.

I do second a PP that the move shouldn't mean throwing out OP's children's stuff which might be surprisingly dear to them - box it up or ask them to come visit before the move.

Sorry, misread. He lives with OP while at uni but also flits between his Dad and friends. OP needs to be talking to her son about how she can support him at college to have a firm base. Or delay her move for a year if it helps him and she can wait. Equally there seem to be her new DH's children - can you clarify, OP?

And I'm slightly concerned. OP - is your current property in your name? will your new bungalow be in your name? Has your DP contributed and property of his own? Have you talked to a solicitor? Sorry but have had friends in your position and a few warning signals are going off from your son's text.

Do you know 5 of the 12 parents I went to uni with did this in their child's first year...one of my flat mates even turned up at Christmas to find that her parents had moved (luckily very nearby).

Not something I'd do, but..

Find it strange that home is a house for so many people.My home is where my family is.My DM and stepfather moved as soon
as my ALevels were finished.They didn't move before as it would have messed my schooling up and it was the best time as my sister would be starting her O levels.
there was room for me when I visited and if I wanted to see old school friends I stayed with them.
Once you leave home you are making your own life,you don't ask your parents permission to live where you want so why should they.In my case the house went not my parents love and support.

He's a grown adult - he needs to get over it and you need to put yourself first for a change.

His response sounds perfectly reasonable. When my DD went to Uni a lot of her friends parents moved on too. We stayed put as we had no reason to move but we did have a converstation about younger DD moving into her bedroom and I remember at the time she wasn't too happy. I think it was more to do with the realisation that she was saying goodbye to her childhood than not wanting younger sister to have her room. She didn't think she would be coming back but being a sensitive soul was slightly 'traumatised' at giving up her bedroom. We left it a year before redecorating and moving younger DD in - we could have done it straight away but it didn't feel right to move her stuff out straight away.

I can understand why your son might feel a little unsettled by your move but his message reads to me like he is very accepting and not at all like he doesn't want this for you. It is a good text and all he is saying is that you should go for it. Good luck with the move.

It's fine. I moved (with parents) age 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 11. Parents then moved again when I was 17 and at uni, and at 19. And many times since! It was too far to go home (think Lancashire - Northampton) so I stayed at uni over the holidays mostly
I went to one school for 3 weeks because of how the terms fell. Do what you need to do for you

Have you seen him more since you became disabled?

He sounds like he's quite eloquently making the point that you will be too far away for him to pop round.

Will your oh's wish for a forever home isolate you from your family? How will that impact your life?

Would a stair lift be feasable for you?
Much cheaper and less stressful than moving.

You are not at all unreasonable to move areas in order to get the kind of house that you need for your health.

Of course you won't see as much of 19yo as you would if you stayed in the same area. That's normal.

His response is fine, nice boy.
I have had 3 children at university and 2 are about to go. They are home half the year at that stage. Eg from July - September (occasionally one of mine might work abroad but that's not easy and most cannot afford to rent privately in university holidays) - so that's 3 months at least just then. Then add in Christmas and Easter holidays and the study leave weeks they get and you end up with almost half the year at home.

Then they often come home after university - as I said above my daughters lived at home after for 2 years to go to law school , something that was very sensible of them and I encouraged - they weren't dossing around at home, they were studying for hours and hours. Then first jobs aren't that well paid in London (and presumably aren't in Wales either....) so they may well ive at home too. I was looking at family history recently and in the censuses of 1851, and onwards very very very often the children of 21 would be at home - yes they might be working in the mines but they lived at home. I think it's always been a norm and always will that parents want to help their children and live with them until they are old enough to marry or earn enough to rent a place. By 1901 my grandfather was living in a boarding house in bunks with 26 other young men but that was because he'd had to leave school at 12 and the family were on very hard times by then.

His response is fine. Obviosly he wont be able to see you as much if difficult to get to. Make sure in new house he has somewhere to stay (i remember feeling quite upset as soon as I left for university I lost a bed at parents and had a fold down camp bed in living room when I was home in holidays instead) he doesnt sound like he is being unfair. He is not telling you not to move.

Notever - I read it several times thanks. She hasn't actually said there are no bungalows, just limited and that added to the issue is that her DH wants his forever home.

If you had read the full thread then you would have seen previous questions of is it more because of her DH or truly because there is nowhere else.

I am not really sure why you felt the need to be so spiteful.

My parents moved a long way from our family home growing up in my first year of uni and yes, it did suck, not knowing anyone when returning back to my parents' house. But I respect it was the right thing to do for them. Just don't expect him to be at your new home as much as he would do if you didn't move. It definitely made me more independent and I settled more into my university town as my home, which is no bad thing as I loved it there. I don't think he's being unreasonable, I'm not sure what you expected?

*"We hardly ever see him, maybe once every ten days?" I meant that when he's home from uni in the summer not during term time? (He works all through the summer term, when he's not working, he goes to see his mates/girlfriend so we don't see much of him) During term time we don't see him at all 😂
And of course he'll have his choice of bedroom in the new place (wherever that may be) I always want him to call it home and there will always be a place there for him.
I'm just struggling with the change myself, it's been a tough two years as I have started to adapt to my new life. A stairlift wouldn't solve the problem unfortunately (and yes, we did consider getting one and not moving) as I need to have accessible toilets and wet rooms, none of which is feasible in our present home.
I think I need to do what many of you suggest ie speak to him face to face. The text came after I'd texted him a reply to his message asking how the viewing went. He's home tomorrow so will talk to him then.
Thanks for all the replies, appreciate your time and your comments.

I am not really sure why you felt the need to be so spiteful

Did you mean to be so rude? There is nothing in my posts that could ever be characterised as "spiteful".

toplady it seems like you're sorted.
I don't think he begrudges you at all, he's a 19 yo boy, and aside from toddlers, I think this age group are as blunt as they come. 😂
Really glad he will have a base at yours, maybe next time he's staying with you, or anytime you're free you could pop to your local ikea or big supermarket together, have a coffee and a chat together and grab a new set of bedclothes and some pyjamas, a £1 mug, deodorant and a couple of pairs of pants for at your house. My parents did this for all of their grown up children, and honestly it was so lovely, (Nothing fancy, mine were from Asda and it was about £20 for the linen, a three pack of knickers, some pjs and 2 coffees) but it made so much of a difference having my 'things' there. When visiting I never felt like an outsider, and I had all the basics I needed in, incase I went over for dinner and decided to stay the night.
I wish you all the best in your new house :) it sounds like it will be the start of a new and less strenuous chapter in your life

I'm surprised at the responses here. Did you have your chat with him in the end OP?

I'm not much older than your son myself (21 to be precise), and I do think his response was a tad self-centered. It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to move, especially if it will be dramatically improving your quality of life! Also, 50 minutes away really is nothing at all - I live over 5 hours from mine they don't like it much though. Living so far away has allowed me to start making a new home for myself. I also doubt he'll come home straight away after uni, I know very few classmates that didn't go out and rent a place once they'd sorted out jobs and such. Anyway, I hope it all went well and you reached a happy conclusion!