To find FIL very annoying? Who IBU?

[idlibfest]

FIL is very controlling about food. When we go to stay with PILs over the holidays he cooks everything, and decides all meals. This has more positives than negatives as he is actually a good cook and it is a pleasure to eat his food most of the time.

Part of his being controlling about food is that he will never throw food away, even past the point it has gone off or after he has reheated rice or chicken five times. Also most of the things he makes are quite exotic and so the DCs (all under 3) do not always want to eat them. He also does it within his own timing, so would think nothing of serving dinner at 10pm at night after the DC should be in bed.

In these situations, I make something else that I know they like and will eat (pesto pasta etc) But he cannot stand anyone else in the kitchen. So while I am doing it he is standing over me asking what I am doing, why I am not making the pasta al denté, why my DC will not eat his food, suggesting ridiculous changes to the dish I am making, taking on a consulting role, and talking to me in a patronising way as if I think what I am making is a gourmet meal. Does that make sense?

I say over and over again that this is just something simple for the DC to eat because they are fussy about food and need to eat at a regular time - this is not something I need advice on or something I think needs to be entered into master chef, I am just putting it together because the DC need to eat.

But he cannot accept this. Yesterday DD2 asked for an omelette with ham at 5pm. The other two DC agreed they would eat it too so I made a big one and served them all with some tomatoes and salad at 5pm. FIL was hanging around as usual critiquing things, asking why I wasn't putting some chilli in the omelette... why I wasn't doing this and that.

Once DCs were in bed and FIL was serving up steak at 10pm he insisted on bringing out the cold, flabby, gnawed ends of the remaining omelette I made at 5pm as the "piece de resistance" (or whatever it's called) then serving everyone a tiny piece. He then told me in front of everyone that I "should have added chilli," and I should learn that for "next time."

I told him, and everyone, as I always do, that this was a meal for the DC earlier and I never intended everyone to eat it at dinner time, and then I am met with shock from everyone at the thought that I was considering throwing away the remaining omelette that the DC didn't eat.

The choice seems to be that whatever is made in the kitchen is FIL's property to serve up/ridicule/eat/critique. Even if it has an entirely different purpose.

AIBU?

With someone that controlling and cruel, I'd stop visiting. Your kids will get nothing out of a relationship with a man who thinks public humiliation is acceptable. In fact, if you're still there is collecting the kids and going home. I'd be pretty clear to your DH that his father starts to act like an adult or you will not have him in your house again. If he speaks like that to you, he'll have no trouble being emotionally abusive to your children.

Because that's what his behaviour is: abusive.

I'm presuming dinner at 10 means they are Spanish, or Latin American? Or something? This might also explain the lack of understanding of separate "children's food"

That doesn't explain the bizarre behaviour with the left over omelette though.....or the rudeness,,...

He sounds like a prick, but the part when he brings the omelette leftovers to the table later and mocks the OP is nothing less than bullying.

What a horrible man.

I'm presuming dinner at 10 means they are Spanish, or Latin American? Or something?

Could be cultural. Or they might be colossal faffers, like my white, British PIL who do the exact same thing.

Is there any possibility of bringing prepped & frozen meals for the DC to nuke and eat? I'm sure you'd hear about that, too, but at least you'd be in and out of the kitchen in less time.

As far as your 'leftovers', I would have binned it myself before he had a chance to say anything. He can't 'serve' what he can't find.

And yes, your DH needs to tell his dad to STFU. Perhaps if you informed him that the DCs AND you will be 'dining out' from now on if his dad makes another remark? At least you'd be able to eat in peace.

DH has big fights with him about it. Shouting fights.

By the other people I mean MIL and other older relatives who all think we must not be wasteful at all, ever. This is a family who will keep grains of rice and all peelings to make into something else, even if it's vegetable sludge.

Let him keep the grains of rice and peelings. You keep your sanity by refusing to stay again.

Never, ever stay with him again. I would have thrown the fucking omlette leftovers in his face! I can't believe how rude and disrespectful he was.

If it has to be endured, just take the kids out to eat. I am another one who could not eat at 10pm - I would have turned into the Hulk by 8.

Just stop going there. If they ask why have your Dh tell him, he's a controlling insufferable arse and he doesn't want his kids exposed to his boorish behavior.

Sounds like a rude arsehole! You've been very good.
(And I don't add chilli to omelettes, especially if for dc!)

Can you talk to your DH about this? You shouldn't be made to stay there.

May I add- omelette, tomatoes and salad sounds much better than whatever reheated ecoli your FIL serves.

ham and chilli omelette sounds barking anyway.

My dad has Aspergers and he's exactly like this. You can explain until you're blue in the face but it makes absolutely zero difference. Visits are v stressful and as a result are infrequent. Over the years I've developed various coping strategies, the most useful one being to grit my teeth, grin & bear it.

Once I stopped trying to change him, and instead focused on accepting the situation as it is, then I came up with coping strategies that were actually helpful and things got a bit better.

This is a family who will keep grains of rice and all peelings to make into something else, even if it's vegetable sludge.

yuck

He also serves ridiculously out of date food.

He would piss me right off and most likely get a saucepan round the back of the head.

My mum is an excellent cook and I do mean excellent! My dad is tighter than a ducks arse. Both of them would have been quite happy for their several grandchildren to eat earlier, eat something different and generally be content so they could enjoy their visit.

Your fil is not normal and needs to stop acting like a bullying diva.

Stop visiting or just visit for lunch and get DH to tell them why.

Saucepan not heavy enough a wok I think for these situations

My FIL is exactly the same, does the majority of the cooking and if I am in the kitchen then he is hovering to offer "advice" or criticism. He puts mushrooms in what he calls bolognese sauce so he can't teach me a thing. On holiday he insists on making the coffee in a certain way - weak and tepid brown fluid. He doesn't even drink the stuff. He served ham that had gone off to DS1 today. DS pulled no punches in telling him how revolting it was whilst FIL maintained it was fine. MIL made me laugh by shouting "for the love of God man it's rancid! Go to the shop and get some more for the poor boy" :) It's very wearing. Lovely man in other ways though.

You need to make it fun! When he suggests you add chilli tell him the children would rather have strawberry sauce, or banana, or asafoetida or something ridiculous. Out-ridiculous him, look on it as a challenge and 'something fun to do with FIL'. Make it a game.

I somehow missed the bit about the left over omelet... Yes this is exactly the sort of thing my Dad would do. It was quite traumatic at times growing up!

Of course it's entirely possible your FIL is a cruel, controlling arse. Or maybe he genuinely can't help himself & thinks he's being completely reasonable

Give them a choice. Either stop commenting or controlling the food or you don't come over with the kids anymore.

The only response you can do here going forward is to stop going to FILs house. If your DH is having shouting fights with his father then its about time that you stopped visiting him. Its not worth all this and potential food poisoning.

As a side point- a bit of chilli in an omlette is delicious

There's a big difference between serving the leftovers because he wants to see them eaten rather than thrown away, which is tedious but vaguely understandable, and serving it as a mockery of the OP's cooking, which is bullying and outrageous. Not quite sure which it is. But both would piss me off.