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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 5 year old to tidy his room?

84 replies

IdiotSandwich · 11/08/2017 11:03

5 year old DS. Room is a pig sty. I have been asking and asking DS to put all his toys away so i can get in there and hoover and change his bed sheets.
DFriend has said I'm being too harsh and can't expect that of a 5 year old. DM likes to point out that I didn't as a kid and tbh I realise as an adult (and as a kid) that I was spoilt and it didn't serve me well.

My problem is I've asked him repeatedly and given him a time limit to get it done. He has had three days to do what really should take him a few hours (and that's being extremely generous).
I've said before at some point I'll be going down with with bin bags for anything left on the floor. It will all go in bags together and he can earn them back one by one.
Again according to everyone else I'm being too harsh. His toys get broken by him trampling all over them and that seems to have taught him nothing even though I don't buy him new ones.
AIBU to do this or is there a better option? I get he is only 5 but I think tidying his toys away is reasonable even though they are pretty much everywhere in his small room.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 11/08/2017 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 13:23

This is the most ridiculous thing I've read on here.

I echo word for word what quitelikely said.

Get your finger out and help me.

As for putting his toys in a bin bag to earn back one by one. Wtaf.

Blossomdeary · 11/08/2017 13:24

"Earn the3 bib bags back"; Bin jail" - blimey that is all a bit tough for a 5 year old. Reward is a better way to go.

NorthumbrianGirl · 11/08/2017 13:25

I think it's reasonable to ask a 5 year old to pick up some toys from their floor, but to tidy a very messy room on their own is too much. I think you should do it with him.

We have various tidying up games to help - putting on a tidy up sing and seeing if you can get the floor clear before it stops, being a bulldozer to sweep all the Lego together and a crane to put it in its box, and being a postman delivering items to where they live in the house.

MissBabbs · 11/08/2017 13:25

You sound horrible - what do you remember of events, and I mean what do you remember and not what you've been told from when you were five - v little I am sure , because you were so small. But ime the unhappy times stick .
All you-poor DS will remember is an angry bossy mum.

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 11/08/2017 13:28

I think it's ridiculous putting everything in bin bags and making him earn it back one by one.

Just go and tidy his room then start a fresh, a daily 10 minute tidy up together.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/08/2017 13:34

Even my ten year old would struggle with the instruction to just "go and tidy" a very messy room.. Especially over a 3 day timescale. Young children need much more specific instructions (as PP's have said "go and put all the Lego in the green box" or "please put the teddies on the bed"). If you have more developmentally appropriate expectations it will be much less stressful for both of you.

Batoutahell · 11/08/2017 13:37

Oh wow, mn is a mean place today. So many angry people with their own agendas.

mallardponds · 11/08/2017 13:40

I think when you (general you) are negative with children it puts up barriers.

I think tidy it now and then make a reward chart.

But do not hesitate to tell him off thoroughly for rudeness.

ChocolateButton15 · 11/08/2017 13:45

My five year old was like this, she would sometimes just empty everything on the floor and leave it without even playing! I now give my 5 year old £2 a week pocket money to clean her room and keep it tidy in the week. Best £2 I spend, she gets it done in minutes and doesn't complain. We just have large toy storage she can chuck it all in.

HipsterHunter · 11/08/2017 13:45

Oh wow, mn is a mean place today. So many angry people with their own agendas

Yup some really mean parenting going on

deadringer · 11/08/2017 13:56

As pp said you need to help him. If it's a really simple job and he truly doesn't need help then at least supervise him doing it. Yes it's his stuff, but mess builds up gradually and can be quite overwhelming to tackle, he is very young and probably doesn't know where to start.

Everytimeref · 11/08/2017 14:22

Maybe I should try the black bag approach to my 18 year old! Her bedroom is always a disaster!

SandyDenny · 11/08/2017 14:31

On my, is this normal?

When my DCs were much younger and there were toys out I just swept them into a box or moved them into a pile out of the way, I don't remember ever having a battle with a 5 year odl about tidying a bedroom,

Life's too short in my opinion for fights over the little stuff, I know people will no doubt say I spolit my DC but I now have responsible teens who are don't seem to be showing any ill effects and have pretty tidy bedrooms.

I can't believe you expect a 5 year old to do 2 hours of tidying

mumeeee · 11/08/2017 14:37

YABU. A 5 year old is still very young and needs help to tidy his room. You need to go in there with him and help him sort it out

Pengggwn · 11/08/2017 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProseccoMamam · 11/08/2017 15:02

He should be putting toys back and underwear/jamas in drawer as well as making his bed each morning, defiantly not strict, just showing him he can play as long as he cleans up otherwise toys get ruined and broken.

My son always puts toys back, when he used to leave them lying around they went 'in the bin' (given to charity) may sound harsh but my house isn't a dump for plastic tat.

gillybeanz · 11/08/2017 15:07

YABU I'm afraid.
I used to do it with them, supervise and tell them what to put where.
Play some nice music while you do it together.
As he gets used to it, you can pretend to forget where things go, letting him prompt you.
Being silly mummy got mine to be better.
Explain to him he can't play in a mess and when it's tidy he can get something out to play with.
Maybe he is overwhelmed if he has a small bedroom and lots of toys.

nikiforov · 11/08/2017 15:08

Come on, he's not only going to remember a bossy mum. That's ridiculously cruel to say Hmm You have no idea what she's like in other aspects in his life.

hannah1992 · 11/08/2017 15:12

My dd is now 6 and she knows now whatever she gets out she puts away. From being very little I have always encouraged tidying up after herself they have to at nursery and school. When she turned 5 she was playing in her room a lot more and there was crap everywhere I helped her tidy it up once and made clear that if it ever got in that state again she would have to do it herself or else I would just throw everything away seen as she wasn't taking care of it anyway. She called my bluff so I made her stay upstairs until it was sorted. Yes she had a tantrum the I ant do it by myself stuff to which I replied you didn't need help messing it up so you don't need help clearing it up. It took her about an hour in the end and safe to say she's never done it again. So no you are not been harsh the need to learn from a young age to pick up after themselves and tidy up there things

wiltingfast · 11/08/2017 15:24

Have you taught him how to tidy up?

Have you explained to him in simple one action steps what you expect him to do?

Have you done it with him a number of times so he has seen and understands what you expect him to do?

Have you shown him what the end result looks like?

Have you praised him for his efforts or do you tend to be critical of what he has done?

If not you are wildly unreasonable and the punishments today are pointless and will achieve nothing.

I personally think your expectations are very off the wall. But if you put in the leg work as above, you may get results.

You should really ask yourself if it is worth the rows though.

mikeyssister · 11/08/2017 15:39

When DS was about 9 we emptied his room totally into black sacks. The only thing he was allowed to keep were his essential teddies and his bedtime books.

He earned everything back bit by bit. He stills remembers when he had nothing left and told me the other day he really liked it because everything in his room was neat and tidy. Because he had so little and earned things back slowly he decided himself what he wanted to keep and where he wanted to store it. He's still tidy now 10 years later.

It came up because we're emptying DD3s room. He told her it's not a punishment it will actually give her peace and she should take her time deciding where to out things and what to keep.

Hopefully your DS will feel the same way eventually even though he's younger.

KittyVonCatsington · 11/08/2017 16:07

When DS was about 9

But 9 years old and 5 years old are so very different.

nokidshere · 11/08/2017 16:07

I think it's just the rudeness of him being asked repeatedly and him not actually doing it that gets me riled up

I think you seriously need to look st your own expectations of a 5 year old.

Clean the room and then instigate a tidy up time each day but still be prepared to help or motivate him.

You are setting him up to fail by letting it get so bad in the first place. And there are very very few five (6, 8, 10, 15.....) year olds who only need telling once to complete a task!

Roundandroundtheapartment · 11/08/2017 16:11

When my ds was that age he was exactly the same But I think the problem was my expectations were too high - he could never tidy it to the standard I would and with so many toys it's easy to forgot you have certain ones and then get sidetracked when you discover them again.

My Ds is a few years older now but what works for us is a 'chores sheet' he has other jobs to do but 5 days out of 7 he has to tidy up - I don't demand that it all be done in one day but by Sunday night most of the toys should be away
And then I go in with the hoover and anything that's on the floor goes up the hoover! (I don't actually hoover stuff up but have gone in and almost done it once or twice and the threat of it is enough now)
(Should add we give pocket money when the chores are done)