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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have a child who has recently turned 21 or will be this year what are you buying them?

73 replies

Changeofluckneeded · 11/08/2017 09:14

21 year old DD wants a car. Not just any car but a brand new car. No chance whatsoever BUT so many of her friends have been given a brand new car by their parents. It seems to be the norm amongst her friends. Its unthinkable to us as we couldn't even dream of being able to afford it. I wish we could, but we can't.

Thanks x

OP posts:
RespoDad · 11/08/2017 09:20

Toys R Us is very good for this sort of thing. 🚗

FlyingElbows · 11/08/2017 09:21

Don't waste your time thinking about what's "normal" for other people (or believing what you're being told is "normal"!). If she wants a swanky shiny new car she can buy it like a proper grown up. Proper grown ups don't pressurise people in to producing extravagant presents they can't afford. My daughter will get something but it sure as hell won't be a new car. I don't think I got anything special for my 21St but then again it's just not something we go in for. Don't stress yourself about it, stand your ground.

SuburbanRhonda · 11/08/2017 09:26

By coincidence DD asked for exactly the same as what I got for my 21st - a hi-fi system with all separate components (turntable, amp, speakers). It's what she really wanted as she's got all my old vinyls and is really into her music.

It cost £500. Way more than we'd normally spend on a present but we were happy to as it was her 21st. She was thrilled with it.

WhichJob · 11/08/2017 09:27

We are getting DD a pair of expensive earrings. Her friends have had everything from new cars to New York trips! Shock

corythatwas · 11/08/2017 09:32

Normal doesn't really mean anything in this context: families are so different in their financial circumstances and dynamics. Nobody in my family ever got bought a car and dd (turning 21 this year) won't either. We can't afford it and, quite frankly, she doesn't need it.

She'll probably get a laptop and some extra little token that is more personal. And we'll take her out for dinner at some modestly priced eatery.

Don't waste any time feeling guilty- that will only breed resentment in you and resentment is not a nice 21st birthday present. Just be cheerful and upfront about it. There is no shame in not having the money to buy brand-new cars right, left and centre.

MaidenMotherCrone · 11/08/2017 09:35

Tattoo gift voucher, exactly what he asked for. He paid for his own car as he's an adult.

Pollypudding · 11/08/2017 09:37

I got my son a full kilt outfit. He has worn it loads of times including to his own wedding this year ( he is 30). Does your DD understand how unrealistic her request is? Sounds like you need to lower her expectations!

JaceLancs · 11/08/2017 09:40

DD got a bespoke piece of jewellery and DS got a decent watch for their 18th birthdays
For 21st they got a holiday (both were at uni by then and deserved a break!)

OstentatiousWanking · 11/08/2017 09:42

My eldest got my very dear departed cufflinks and a 12 vinyl of Fight for your right to party by the Beastie Boys. He used to love it as a baby.
My DDs got one of my late Mothers rings.

None were valuable in cash terms. But priceless withing our family.

Ilovecoleslaw · 11/08/2017 09:42

My parents got me a new car for my 21st. Paid the 1000 deposit and payed half my monthly finance amount for a year.
Crazy amount of money and I did have a really crappy year and they could obviously afford to do it.
How about a nice piece of jewellery? My nan got me this beautiful locket and it means the world to me. My best friend also got me this lovely bracelet from pandora which I wear pretty much every day and we went to lunch at sketch in London and a bit of shopping afterwards, which was so so nice.
Although I really appreciate and am greatful for the car from my parents, the presents from my nan and best friend are much more meaningful to me.

OstentatiousWanking · 11/08/2017 09:43

Sorry very dear GF.

Crispsheets · 11/08/2017 09:46

Mine is getting £350 cash.
She can do what she wants with it .

RedPandaMama · 11/08/2017 09:46

A brand new car?! Shock

It was my 21st this year, my parents were very generous and gave me a £500 budget to pick some jewellery I wanted. I didn't spend the full amount as that seems insane - I picked an anatomical Fossil watch, a necklace from Pandora and some Swarovski earrings. Love them all and wear them all the time.

Janika · 11/08/2017 09:47

Got one coming up v soon. Never asks for anything and doesn't want any fuss whatsoever as can't handle any attention focused on him. Struggling to think of something that will be appreciated and relatives keep asking too....any modest ideas?
Into music but has his guitars already and at uni. Is 21 still a thing?

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 11/08/2017 09:49

My daughter wanted hair extensions , they cost £250 . She was very happpy.

mrbob · 11/08/2017 09:50

A new car?! I am in my 30s and still have never had a brand new car because I have not saved up enough money to buy one (which is the only time you should buy a brand new car) If you are feeling VERY generous you could get her an old banger.

My mum got me a beautiful ring that we designed together and had hand made which is the only piece of jewellery that I own that I care about. It means a lot to me.

jennielou75 · 11/08/2017 09:50

I had three nieces and nephews turn 21 this year. I got them a bangle engraved with their name and date of birth on from merci maman website. They are super quick and one niece thinks it is even more amazing now she has found out that Kate wears something from there for Prince George!

Enko · 11/08/2017 09:51

Dd1 is coming up 20. For her 18th we got her a special necklace I was not planning on giving her a large 21st too.

Either way I would not be buying her a car.

ButchyRestingFace · 11/08/2017 09:54

I never understand these tales of offspring asking their financially straightened or just-not-rich parents for ludicrously expensive gifts. Confused

When I was 21, my mother wasn't well off and I would never have dreamed of even hinting at a car. I may as well have asked for a 200 ft, diamond encrusted yatch moored in the Cote D'Azure.

Hell, when I was fourteen and the school trip came round, I didn't even mention it as I knew how much my mum was struggling.

Do (some) kids these days just expect their parents to go to loan sharks to fund their birthdays/Christmases? Or do they genuinely have no idea of their parents financial situation?

catmumof1 · 11/08/2017 09:58

I got a personalised number plate for my 21st, I already had a £600 old AF car and I have never been into jewellery and I think they're fun!
No use if she doesn't already have a car though but if she needs a car which imo most people do its a good gift, and no one needs to know how old your car is Wink

Falconhoof1 · 11/08/2017 10:00

I've also never had a brand new car! Maybe my mum will get me one for my 50th?

silkpyjamasallday · 11/08/2017 10:10

For my 21st my parents paid for DP and I to go on a long weekend to Rome. It was absolutely wonderful, and after a really really shitty year it gave us a boost.

SuburbanRhonda · 11/08/2017 11:33

janika

If he's into music would he want a hi-fi system like I mentioned upthread?

They're not cheap but they're a good investment. My Cambridge Audio amp is still going strong after 35 years!

Ilovetolurk · 11/08/2017 12:03

£1,000 plus really a nice piece of gold jewellery. The cash was for remt deposit

milliemolliemou · 11/08/2017 12:08

Don't believe in 18th AND 21st presents - surely it's one or t'other? My answer - DCs got racing bikes. What they wanted.