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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'DP' is bullying our daughter

81 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 10/08/2017 19:42

We have 2 kids together - DS 9 and DD 5 and 'DP' behaves differently to DD. She is quite feisty but she is only 5 and the way he speaks to her is awful and gives her no slack at all. For example- earlier on she was sitting in front of TV and instead of asking her to move over a bit he said 'you are just annoying everyone- move out of the bloody way'. I have recently noticed that he's so angry with her all the time and isn't like this with DS. I feel like I am constantly intervening and worry about the effect on her self esteem. She's a happy funny clever little girl.
Aibu to be worried and think he's a bully? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LoyaltyAndLobster · 10/08/2017 21:26

you can't stay

PurpleDragon76 · 10/08/2017 21:39

I grew up in a house like this. My father seems to have something against girls.

If you need any further fuel to get out this relationship he will destroy her confidence. I am 40 now and still have none in myself.

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2017 21:54

I had this treatment at that age. Yrs later developed depression.

Ceebs85 · 10/08/2017 21:58

Your daughter is working out who she is in the world and she's getting the sense from the man who she expects guidance from and looks up to that she's a pain, useless, in the way etc. This will become how she sees herself. Leave him. He is not good for any of you.

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2017 22:06

What ceebs said.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 22:33

Happy "He's not physical but he can try to intimidate me at times. Hes angry and verbally abusive." So is he ususing the fear of physical violence to intimidate you?

is he controlling with money, demanding sex (you don't need to say here, but just asking for you to think about it), controlling about other things, jealous etc.

"It's just the way he is different between how he speaks to the kids too- I called him a mysogynist the other day but he doesn't recognise his behaviour as a problem." Can you discuss it or does it deteriorate into a row, with him storing off? Just wondering.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 22:37

PurpleDragon I am so sorry, please get help, counselling can change things.

If you think you can leave him, which of course you can if you are not happy, speak to Women's Aid to see how you may be able to in some ways control his behaviour towards the kids, e.g. if he is abusive to you or them here may be things you can do. It sounds abusive, rather than just not very nice, if you see what I mean.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I don't know if there is but it may help to talk. EG my friend left her abusive ex and her kids should see her ex with someone else present.

Is there more you are not saying?

user1489592537 · 10/08/2017 22:42

My DF was like this with me and ended up strangling me when I was 8 for laughing and 'annoying' him. The physical and emotional abuse carried on until I was 18 and he went to far and the police were called. Don't let this continue. Get out now.

Shankarankalina · 10/08/2017 22:48

Filming him? Recording him? Fuck that. You don't need to have him bear witness to his own behaviour - you've seen it yourself. I feel sorry for you and for your little girl who will be confused, hurt and diminished by his intolerable behaviour. I wish you courage and strength to call him out on it - he changes or he goes. (Hope he goes)

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2017 23:34

"Filming him? Recording him? Fuck that." Understandable reaction, but even if OP tells him to go, she may struggle to prevent unsupervised contact.

Italiangreyhound · 11/08/2017 00:13

"...but even if OP tells him to go, she may struggle to prevent unsupervised contact." But wouldn't abusive behaviour on film help her to achieve unsupervised contact?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 11/08/2017 03:38

I really appreciate all your comments - it's made me feel foolish for not seeing how bad the behaviour is though before now. I feel like I have been putting up with it and haven't been able to work out why I was so unhappy Shock

OP posts:
Bimbop5 · 11/08/2017 03:58

This makes me so sad for your little girl. My Dad doesn't seem to respect women and he was quite verbally abusive to me. Very, very critical to me. I'm in my 40's now and it took me A LONG time to build confidence and know I am worth something. But even now when I'm with him at times I get that scared feeling like I'm that child again, trying to please her Dad and not succeeding.

Please get her away from him if you can. He needs to acknowledge what he is doing. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Arealhumanbeing · 11/08/2017 04:16

Don't call yourself foolish. You did see the behaviour and you came here for perspective and advice.

You do have to act on it now though. Do you feel able to leave?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 11/08/2017 04:21

At the moment we are on holiday! Literally 3 days in to a 2 week break. I think I am going to try and use the time to spend quality focussed time with the children and try to work out what to do. I have known subconsciously for a long time what I needed to do I think but haven't been facing it

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 11/08/2017 04:30

You need to be strong for your daughter against this bully. Have you tried explaining quietly without her there that he is coming across as hateful and unhinged and asking him what feelings he has about her that make these impulses to be vile and bullying? Have you calmly explained the incredibly negative impact his hatred of her will have for years and years to come?

Arealhumanbeing · 11/08/2017 04:40

It sounds like he just won't engage when his behaviour is challenged. Is that the case, OP?

Do you defend her in front of him?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 11/08/2017 04:50

Yes, I do defend her in front of him and no, he won't engage when behaviour is challenged. It's why I have been trying to get counselling for ages (waiting list) as I now feel like I am not getting anywhere at all and is there really any point in even getting counselling. It's like whenever I point out his behaviour he just won't take any responsibility for it at all. He doesn't try to control me financially (I manage all the money) and he doesn't seem that interested in sex anymore. It's the angry, unpleasant verbal stuff that is the issue. I feel like our home life is toxic and I do want to protect my children from it- I just haven't been seeing clearly

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 11/08/2017 08:21

Honestly I think you should leave.

I left a bully 3 years ago. Yes we have less money. Yes they spend (a small amount of) time with him on alternate weekends. Yes it's hard sometimes when you need to go to the shop for milk but the kids are in bed or similar.
But all in our life is WONDERFUL now. No more eggshells. No more being constantly critisised. The kids have secure boundaries and we are so much happier. Also, I've gone back to uni to retrain which I never would have felt able to do before. Don't be afraid to leave, it's been one good thing after another for me.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 11/08/2017 09:46

I think by leaving you show him for what he is, your kids can clearly see your parenting, versus his.

Ropsleybunny · 11/08/2017 10:07

A friend of mine has split from an abusive ex. He is insisting on having 50% exactly of time with the children. He is manipulating both her and the courts. He is a nutter, yet charming when he wants to be. The courts granted the 50% thing, so now her poor children are with him alone for 50% of the time.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 11/08/2017 10:25

So you think women should stay in abusive relationships as a buffer for their nutter husbands?

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 11/08/2017 10:29

If he is as as bad as you post, won't that be apparent at Counselling as regards evidence for access arrangements later? I would go ahead with the arranged counselling even if you only turn up yourself to it.

Ropsleybunny · 11/08/2017 13:49

So you think women should stay in abusive relationships as a buffer for their nutter husbands?

Of course not but how do you protect children from abuse when the abuser has 50% care of them?

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 13:55

Your number one priority is to protect your child.

Tell him to fuck off! Would you let anyone else treat your daughter like this and then allow them to live in your home with her. Of course not. Just because he is her father it makes no difference.

You are her mother, protect her.

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