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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 'DP' is bullying our daughter

81 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 10/08/2017 19:42

We have 2 kids together - DS 9 and DD 5 and 'DP' behaves differently to DD. She is quite feisty but she is only 5 and the way he speaks to her is awful and gives her no slack at all. For example- earlier on she was sitting in front of TV and instead of asking her to move over a bit he said 'you are just annoying everyone- move out of the bloody way'. I have recently noticed that he's so angry with her all the time and isn't like this with DS. I feel like I am constantly intervening and worry about the effect on her self esteem. She's a happy funny clever little girl.
Aibu to be worried and think he's a bully? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2017 20:36

My mother made me feel like I was utterly worthless. My father was always working so he had no idea but he wasn't terribly mature himself. I genuinely thought that woman valued her Kenwood cooking spatula more than me. "Be careful with my spatula" "don't break my spatula". Etc. I have spent years and years in therapy. I have ME/CFS and it is known people with abusive childhoods are more susceptible to this disease.

You can stop this. You see what is happening. Your dd has a chance.

talonofthehawk · 10/08/2017 20:36

Record him and play back- while you are walking out the door.

HairyMcFairy16 · 10/08/2017 20:38

People telling you to just leave really aren't thinking this through at all. You need to get her evidence that he is being abusive toward your daughter which is hard when it's emotional abuse. You need a rock solid paper trail and as many witnesses as possible. And even then you may not be able to block access. You need a solid plan for the sake of your child. If you simply walk out he will get unfettered access to her when it's his contact time.

Hassled · 10/08/2017 20:39

You don't love him and you sound terribly unhappy - but you also sound like you know what needs to happen, which is a hell of a good first step. It'll be tough, but you'll get there. What are the practicalities - do you work? Is the house owned?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/08/2017 20:43

If he tries to turn it back on to you, tell him he is welcome to pick you up every time you talk to the kids abusively and you will do the same for him.

blankpieceofpaper · 10/08/2017 20:44

You could try and secretly film or record him doing it (maybe like filming an aggressive drunk person to show them the reality), but that might not be ethical or possible to do.

I don't mean it for evidence in court or anything - but for your own help as you come to terms with how serious it is - you say how the clarity has come recently. Instead of recording it, maybe make some sort of written log somewhere - what does he say? What time? Things you remember from past events? You could write down some of what he says to you or your DS too, for comparison. I don't mean every word every minute - but seeing it written down on paper may help you confront it and get a sense of how it has developed/ worsened.

It sounds awful, your poor daughter. I hope it can be addressed quickly.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 20:46

Terrible, misogynistic man. So sorry for you all.

Get counselling.

You say "... not the eggshells situation..." Any physical bullying to anyone, or manipulative behaviour towards you?

"I have recently noticed that he's so angry with her all the time and isn't like this with DS." Do you ask him why he is so angry.

Agree with Mumteadumpty "... if your DP still can't see what he is doing, he isn't a good Dad."

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 20:47

yes, film him

Ropsleybunny · 10/08/2017 20:47

So women have to put up with bullies to manage them, fuck that.

I agree with you, but what do you suggest? If they split up he will see the children without her, which could be worse.

Does anyone think that he would be refused access?

talonofthehawk · 10/08/2017 20:50

So she has to stay with an abuser?

Ropsleybunny · 10/08/2017 20:52

He's abusing his daughter. How can that be stopped if he has access. I don't think either the OP or the children should be anywhere near him frankly.

ADishBestEatenCold · 10/08/2017 20:54

Have you tried surreptitiously recording him, or filming him on your phone, Happyhappyveggie?

Sneaky, I know, but if you then listen to/watch it together it might either a) bring him to his senses when he sees how badly he is treating his small child or b) if it has no effect on him, it will at least make it clear to you that you must end the relationship there and then.

gillybeanz · 10/08/2017 20:54

I'd just move well away if it were me and just hope he lost interest in access to the kids.
I know it's not always that easy.

chowmeinchick · 10/08/2017 20:57

He sounds like a cunt. Bullying a 5 year old, or anyone, isn't acceptable. Please don't stay with him.

Your daughters happiness shouldn't be broken by a grown man who clearly can't treat her properly. He's nasty.

Ropsleybunny · 10/08/2017 20:58

Perhaps you should speak to a Social Worker in Children's Services. Emotional abuse is taken very seriously and they might be able to advise you.

Migraleve · 10/08/2017 21:00

Fucking gobsmacked that anyone would read a thread like this and go on to tell the OP that staying with him is the right thing to do.

Pull your heads out your arses ffs.

Ceebs85 · 10/08/2017 21:01

Do you need counselling or do you just need to get rid of him? He sounds awful x

LoyaltyAndLobster · 10/08/2017 21:01

How he is speaking to her is wrong.

Miserylovescompany2 · 10/08/2017 21:03

No-one should have to tread on eggshells in their own home or top-toe around another because they don't know what mood he'll be in from one minute to the next?

I ask him to leave. Otherwise he's going to do significant Psychological damage to your little girl.

I know that's easy for me to say sitting at the other side of a keyboard - but you and your children deserve so much more.

Whatever his issues are - he needs to address them away from everyone else.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 10/08/2017 21:05

Could you give some more examples of your DDs 'feisty' behaviour and you and your DPs differing responses to it?

I don't think we can tell from your one example whether your DP is picking on your DD or maybe just getting frustrated with behaviour which you don't want to challenge because you have different ideas about what is acceptable.

I might not have used the word bloody, but I would have told DS it was annoying if he was blocking/ hogging something other people wanted to share, such as view of a screen, when he was 5.

Ropsleybunny · 10/08/2017 21:07

Fucking gobsmacked that anyone would read a thread like this and go on to tell the OP that staying with him is the right thing to do.

Pull your heads out your arses ffs.

I agree with you but how does she protect her child from him when he has access?

Ideally she needs to move without telling him where, but that's easier said than done.

ineedangels · 10/08/2017 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namesarehard · 10/08/2017 21:16

If my husband was like this with out children I'd divorce him. And I've never said that on MN before. You choose the life you have but this is her childhood. This is what will shape her. Sticking up for her isn't enough. No child should be brought up in an environment like this. She'll think it's normal. Put your child first and put an end to it. Disgusting man.

Original poster

Happyhappyveggie · 10/08/2017 21:18

He's just shouty and angry. Another example was my DD was looking at a picture on his phone the other day & trying to get him to scroll down and he really shouted at her and frightened her. It was a total over reaction. He's not physical but he can try to intimidate me at times. Hes angry and verbally abusive. It's just the way he is different between how he speaks to the kids too- I called him a mysogynist the other day but he doesn't recognise his behaviour as a problem.

OP posts:

LoyaltyAndLobster · 10/08/2017 21:25

He's not physical but he can try to intimidate me at times. Hes angry and verbally abusive

OP it's time for you to leave, you stay with someone like this.

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