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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend BU or her DH

103 replies

ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 16:23

So my friend has asked me to post this as she doesn't have an account and doesn't really have many people in RL to ask and tbh I'm really not that sure so please help settle this disagreement...

My friend works part time, around the 10 hours a week around her DS whilst he's in nursery and her dh works full time, he is a very hands on dad and likes and very much is involved with everything. Over the summer holidays she has been relying on a combination of her DM, MIL and sister to help with the childcare that nursery would normally cover. No problems...
Her DM had her DS yesterday for the 3 hours she was in work and in the morning asked my friend if she could have the car seat as she was going to pop to Tesco to do her food shop, no problem she gave it to DM. In the evening DS mentioned to DH that he had popped to Tesco with his nan and DH was really upset with my friend. He said that he obviously had no issue with her taking him at all but that if the plan changed and she was actually taking him out he would have liked to have been told by friend just so that he knows where his son is insted of thinking he was just at his nannys. They had an argument as he said that as he is his dad he should be aware where his son is and would have taken friend 2mins to just text him after she dropped DS off and said, just so you know gave DM the car seat as she is popping out with him...
Who do you think is wrong?

OP posts:

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/08/2017 08:18

I could see it MAYBE if his DMiL was taking him out of town...for instance an hour or more away, mostly because when I was a SAHM I usually told DH if I was going away out of town for the day as a courtesy. But most couples work things out as either (rather than both) parent can approve child care arrangements.

If DH is that invested in it all then he should make ALL childcare arrangements from now on... and that is what I would tell my DH if he said something like that. Good chance he would back down at that point.

Dorris83 · 11/08/2017 13:48

I dont think the husband sounds like a dick or controlling at all. He's not asking for a blow by blow, he's just asking to be treated as an equal parent. The mum knew where her son was and that he'd be headed to the shops with his Nanny so why shouldn't dad have the same info?
I like knowing where/ what my DS is up to because I like talking to him about his day.
The Dad had asked to be told via a quick text of plans changing, if his child will be doing something he isn't aware of. I really don't think this is a big deal.

sewingandcoffee · 11/08/2017 13:54

Your not sure??

Seriously??
The husband is being really unreasonable.

WashBasketsAreUs · 11/08/2017 14:08

Here's my opinion from the " other side", if you like. I have my grandson a lot, and like most people I have a pretty regular routine; down town in the morning, park in the afternoon sometimes, big shop once a week etc. It's usually pretty similar most weeks. However when I decided to drive to an out of town garden centre for a change for us one day , I told my daughter to check she was ok with it, her answer was "do what you like, that's fine!"
Her and her hubby know he's with me, I've got a car seat, I look after him and we have fun. It's also free childcare, often at short notice as she was a supply teacher.
I can appreciate what the dad is saying, but I think it's more his issue than anything. If you wish to specify things to such a degree, employ someone to do it.

MsGameandWatching · 11/08/2017 14:19

Hmm, not sure really. My friend had small children and when I babysit she doesn't like me to take them out of the house. She wouldn't prevent it I don't think but she finds it hard to leave them and knowing they're at home makes that easier for her. Knowing her as I do I know she's lovely and this is just one of her things. So I stay in with the kids because I want her to be relaxed and happy while she's away from them. So I don't think he's necessarily and "arse" or a "twat". I think some people find the depth of feeling that comes from becoming a parent, difficult to deal with.

CatchIt · 11/08/2017 15:20

What??!!!

This is crazy! Both my mum and my mil have both dc, they take them sometimes so I can go and ride. They often take them places without dh knowing and sometimes I only know that they may pop out and I don't even know where (though if it's not local i.e. The shops/park/walk they'll tell me)!

Your friends dh is being very weird.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 15:26

he's just asking to be treated as an equal parent

No he isn't at all. If you have someone mind your child, especially the likes of a grandmother, you either trust them or you don't. If you expect them to text you every time you change location, you are not trusting them.

How many times a day is Granny meant to text? 1st, "we are going to Tesco". Then "we are going to park on way back", "we are stopping for petrol" "we are home again" "leaving now to bring him home".....

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/08/2017 15:40

My parents have had my children since 9m of age. They have car seats and free reign to do what they want. I might ask in general terms what they have planned for the day. I might ask where they are when I'm on the way home from work. I don't want/expect a blow by blow account.

AlpacaLipsNow · 11/08/2017 15:45

If he carries on with that nonsense he'll soon run out of goodwill and free childcare. He's being a twat.

Dorris83 · 11/08/2017 15:53

But @notevernotnevernotnohow he didn't expect Nanny to text him, he is asking his DP/DW to text him, as she was privy to her mither's plans. 'Mum says she's taking DS to the shops today'
Simple. If that makes this dad who is described as 'hands on and who likes to be involved' feel comfortable, then why wouldn't OP's friend just say 'sure no problem, I will text next time.'

Dorris83 · 11/08/2017 15:55

Btw my parents and in-laws have my son for childcare and I cherish the updates that I get on what they're up to, and I'd I don't get any I will ask DH whether he knows what they're up to. Not because I'm controlling or weird but because it's nice to know!

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 11/08/2017 16:11

So he expects whoever is looking after their son to always stay at their home with him?
I would have expected them to leave a child seat with their child, just in case, if the grandparent caring for him has a car.

FooFighter99 · 11/08/2017 16:11

My DM looks after DD Monday to a Friday while me and DH is at work, I don't feel the need to tell DH my DM's every move though, she might take DD to a soft play centre, or for a ride on the bus into town, but DH will only find out in the evening when DD regales him of her day! Both DH and I know my DM is perfectly capable of looking after DD without having to report her every move to us...

Your friends DH needs to get a fucking grip and be grateful of the free child care!!

Naicehamshop · 11/08/2017 21:17

Oh my God - what is wrong with him??

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 21:55

If that makes this dad who is described as 'hands on and who likes to be involved' feel comfortable, then why wouldn't OP's friend just say 'sure no problem, I will text next time

Because its not her job to pander to her insecurities to make him feel better. He said he wants to always know where the child is if he is with anyone other than the parents. So yes, somebody would have to be texting a lot if he goes anywhere with anyone.....

MammaTJ · 11/08/2017 22:02

Nah!! He is being a controlling prick!

My DD takes her DD out with her and her DH does not always know where they are. Sometimes she leaves her with me and his only concern is that it may be too much for me (I am disabled).

He did once get a bit cross because DD insists on DGD being in a rear facing car seat, but before she passed her test, took her home in a taxi with NO car seat, rather than walk the mile home, but I get that.

TheweewitchRoz · 11/08/2017 22:10

He sounds like a dick who absolutely must not be pandered to (otherwise he could end up being a controlling dick).

Tazerface · 11/08/2017 22:13

He is completely ridiculous.

And ridiculous to be so overly paranoid that you would text to say exactly where you're going to be just in case.

Bluntness100 · 11/08/2017 22:18

Meh, I shall go against the grain, in my experience men can be just as PFB as women. By his second he literally won't give a shit

Welshwabbit · 11/08/2017 22:29

I don't understand his issue. The child was still with the same person, just on a short trip to the supermarket. Presumably she has a mobile so the method of contacting her would be precisely the same.

muchomo · 11/08/2017 22:58

**Today 22:10 TheweewitchRoz

He sounds like a dick who absolutely must not be pandered to (otherwise he could end up being a controlling dick).* wooow a bit much don't you think?

Anyway going against the grain here, I'm an anxious parent and would want to know. Even so, there is a difference between being unreasonable and being "a controlling prick". I think the word controlling in reference to men is thrown around on mumsnet so often it's losing meaning. Any AIBU in relation to a DH or male partner ends up in hysteria and accusations of being controlling.

Given I have worked with women who have experienced domestic violence for years. Please note not all men are violent, controlling "pricks"

muchomo · 11/08/2017 23:00

Oh and the accusations of people pandering to the father. Erm he is the father, therefore an equal parent. Therefore has the right to discuss his views, anxietys with his partner.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 11/08/2017 23:02

Nobody said he couldn't discuss what he likes. He can't demand to know where the kid is whenever he is out of his sight though.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 11/08/2017 23:04

Does your friend have to text him when she takes her child out, just so he knows where his son is? Because that is no different at all.

He is being a twat and sounds controlling. He does not need to know every little detail of his DS's day, he is with family, receiving childcare so he and his wife can work, he needs to get a bloody grip.

muchomo · 11/08/2017 23:58

notevernotnevernotnohow why not? He is the father he has as much right to know as the child's mother

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