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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend BU or her DH

103 replies

ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 16:23

So my friend has asked me to post this as she doesn't have an account and doesn't really have many people in RL to ask and tbh I'm really not that sure so please help settle this disagreement...

My friend works part time, around the 10 hours a week around her DS whilst he's in nursery and her dh works full time, he is a very hands on dad and likes and very much is involved with everything. Over the summer holidays she has been relying on a combination of her DM, MIL and sister to help with the childcare that nursery would normally cover. No problems...
Her DM had her DS yesterday for the 3 hours she was in work and in the morning asked my friend if she could have the car seat as she was going to pop to Tesco to do her food shop, no problem she gave it to DM. In the evening DS mentioned to DH that he had popped to Tesco with his nan and DH was really upset with my friend. He said that he obviously had no issue with her taking him at all but that if the plan changed and she was actually taking him out he would have liked to have been told by friend just so that he knows where his son is insted of thinking he was just at his nannys. They had an argument as he said that as he is his dad he should be aware where his son is and would have taken friend 2mins to just text him after she dropped DS off and said, just so you know gave DM the car seat as she is popping out with him...
Who do you think is wrong?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 10/08/2017 17:04

he is being a control freak and piling on her admin.

My DH has a slight tendency towards control freakery and the worst thing you can do is legitimise it, as it just gets more out of proportion.

the answer to this one is to tell him tough titty.

maras2 · 10/08/2017 17:04

DH is an eejit.

schoolgaterebel · 10/08/2017 17:08

The DH is BU.

Does he have an issue with the nan? I'm wondering if there's more to this

mumofthemonsters808 · 10/08/2017 17:11

Dh is unreasonable and he sounds very demanding, well he sounds like a prick.
I was never lucky enough to have any family help but if I did I'd trust them wholeheartedly with my child's safety, a run down of day to day activities would never of been required. I would have just been grateful for the free of charge help and support.Some people don't know they are born.

pleasingone · 10/08/2017 17:15

Maybe he has issues with DM driving?
I used to hate my FIL taking my DC out in the car as he drove too fast as was aggressive - my friend has issues with her MIL driving her DC as he driving is not good, could be hard to admit?

Original poster

ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 17:19

My answer to her was that I wouldn't go out of my way to mention it to my dh but if I'd known like the day before I would probably say because he would probably ask what the plan was for our DC and if i happened to speak to my dh after I'd dropped DC off I'd probably mention it but if neither of these were the case I wouldn't think to go out my way to let him know. Her DH wasn't really angry with her, more upset that she hadn't thought maybe he'd like to "be kept in the loop" which is as he put it and to previous posters who said that if he is so bothered let him sort out the childcare it is worth pointing out that he has, he hasn't left it to her at all. He has done just as much as she has to sort out all childcare over the summer,

OP posts:

HipsterHunter · 10/08/2017 17:22

I don't consider Tesco a notifiable 'trip out'

Jengnr · 10/08/2017 17:26

He is being utterly ridiculous. Your mate should just laugh at him and hand him a grip.

trappedinsuburbia · 10/08/2017 17:31

Control Freak !

VaselineIsNotStylingGel · 10/08/2017 17:33

He's being a dick. What's he going to do when his PFB goes to school and they ask him to fill out one of those oh we might take them somewhere local that we can walk to at some point in the year but we don't know when yet permission slips? Is he going to demand GPS live updates? Or just be that parent that refuses to let his child on any trips even if it's 5 steps outside the school gates because he won't know where he is at all times?
Hell maybe he will suggest homeschooling because the school can't tell him exactly what point at lunch his child was precisely where in the school playground.

Mrscropley · 10/08/2017 17:34

Tomorrow i would send him a blow by blow account of the dc day.

Dc had a poo.
Dc had a drink.
Dc had a wee.
Dc needed his nose wiped.
Dc farted and had another poo.
Dc had lunch. .
All fucking day. . .

BewareOfDragons · 10/08/2017 17:35

Her DH is not only completely unreasonable, he's lost the plot and a controlling idiot, by the sounds of it.

VaselineIsNotStylingGel · 10/08/2017 17:36

Yeah along with GPS co-ordinates and precise timing down to the 100th of a second.

JumpingJellybeanz · 10/08/2017 17:37

Yep, her DH is being controlling and very precious.

Leeds2 · 10/08/2017 17:40

Sounds like odd behaviour from the DH to me.

I think most parents would get a bit fed up if whoever was looking after their child/ren whilst they were at work texted them every time the child left the house. And, to follow it through, when they returned.

temporarilyjerry · 10/08/2017 17:46

He needs a more challenging job if he has time to concern himself with his MIL taking his DS to Tesco.

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2017 17:51

He sounds overly anxious about he pfb! I take it the child is under 2 and this has not be going on for very long.

The desire to know where are children is at all time is normal but entirely impracticable and something he has to get used to

LazyDailyMailJournos · 10/08/2017 17:51

There's a difference between being kept in the loop and a ridiculous expectation of oversharing every tiny detail.

They went to Tesco FFS - it's not as if she took him yomping across fucking Dartmoor.

Your friend needs to tell her DH he is being utterly daft and that if he genuinely thinks that this is information that he needs to be told, then she will text him all day, every day to let him know about every sneeze, wail, shit and tantrum. If he doesn't fancy that then perhaps he needs to get a grip and accept that a trip to the supermarket is not a big event.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/08/2017 17:56

What would happen if she always left the car seat with her DM in case she wanted/needed to go out?

Would her DH expect his MIL to text every time she needed to put DC in the car? Or is this just because he feels that his DW has agreed something with her DM without running it past him?

So is it about his DC being taken out, or his DW not telling him things? It's two different issues, IMO. (sorry for all the abbreviations).

LazyDailyMailJournos · 10/08/2017 17:58

Thinking about it, I'd be tempted to wilfully misinterpret it and keep him updated about the car seat instead.

The car seat's in the car.
The car seat cover is now in the washing machine.
The car seat is now occupied by a toddler.

Hmmalittlefishy · 10/08/2017 17:59

Definitely dh being unreasonable. A trip to shops/park/anywhere local I wouldn't expect to know in advance unless I needed to provide separate clothes etc
Don't nursery take the children out? We signed a form to say we were happy for local trips and would often hear they had been to the beach or library or park. I didn't need to know in advance as I had Trust in them

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/08/2017 18:03

Her DH is being unreasonable.

You either trust the person you are leaving your child with or you don't. Whether it's a grandparent or a nanny, you cannot expect to be informed every time they leave the house. If he wants this level of micro management he needs to take time off work when the nursery is closed.

It's nuts to feel put out he wasn't told they might go to the supermarket, if he's genuinely anxious about it he needs to see his GP, if it's a control thing he needs to back the fuck off. He's being clinically anxious or ridiculous and this needs sorting out.

MistyKnightsTwistout · 10/08/2017 18:08

Lucky he's not my dh. My mum picks up our dd and we only find out at home time where they've been. And she often takes her out two counties away! We're just grateful she's taken her and done something fun with her. When my mum had her instead of nursery I got annoyed when they stayed in all day. And we bought a car seat for her car. The dh is in the wrong and weird and controlling to boot.

CoraPirbright · 10/08/2017 18:08

It was a trip to Tesco, not running with the bulls in Pamplona!! The DH is being a dick.

Original poster

ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 18:09

I do think it seems like more of an anxious thing than a control thing just from knowing him and actually seeing some of the messages that he has sent her today

OP posts:

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