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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend BU or her DH

103 replies

ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 16:23

So my friend has asked me to post this as she doesn't have an account and doesn't really have many people in RL to ask and tbh I'm really not that sure so please help settle this disagreement...

My friend works part time, around the 10 hours a week around her DS whilst he's in nursery and her dh works full time, he is a very hands on dad and likes and very much is involved with everything. Over the summer holidays she has been relying on a combination of her DM, MIL and sister to help with the childcare that nursery would normally cover. No problems...
Her DM had her DS yesterday for the 3 hours she was in work and in the morning asked my friend if she could have the car seat as she was going to pop to Tesco to do her food shop, no problem she gave it to DM. In the evening DS mentioned to DH that he had popped to Tesco with his nan and DH was really upset with my friend. He said that he obviously had no issue with her taking him at all but that if the plan changed and she was actually taking him out he would have liked to have been told by friend just so that he knows where his son is insted of thinking he was just at his nannys. They had an argument as he said that as he is his dad he should be aware where his son is and would have taken friend 2mins to just text him after she dropped DS off and said, just so you know gave DM the car seat as she is popping out with him...
Who do you think is wrong?

OP posts:
User02 · 10/08/2017 18:21

He should be grateful that Granny had arranged to borrow the baby car seat rather than just taking child out in the car.
I babysit DN sometimes and I keep the Mum who is DSis informed but not the child's dad. I should be a trusted person or the child should not be left if the person is not fully trusted.
This Dad is a nightmare.

Jux · 10/08/2017 18:22

I think your friend should plan a couple of full-on days out and text her dh right the way through.
"We are at the British Museum, in the Atrium",
"Leaving the museum and going to the Science Museum"
"walking along the road now"
"going in to Science Museum"
"on road to Park"
"Looking at Albert Memorial"
"In Kensington Gardens"
"Peter Pan"
"Serpentine"
"Queueing for food in Serpentine Restaurant"
"Sitting in Serp. Restaurant"
"On way to loos"
"Back in park. On grass" *
Etcetera etcetera etcetera

And she should continue to text thusly even though he begs and pleads with her to stop. Do that for two days, or three if it amuses her.

  • Take that any way you like Grin
vikingprincess81 · 10/08/2017 18:26

Dh is being U. DS was with trusted childcare. So he knew where he was. I'd be making this face Confused at DH if he said I had to text him every time my mum took our dc to Tesco, and vice versa!

vikingprincess81 · 10/08/2017 18:30

If DH is that anxious about his DS then he may need some help. I was ridiculously anxious while in the throes of PND, especially when it came to my dc, but that was a symptom of my illness, these weren't legitimate threats to my dc. As my PND improved I stopped giving a shit being so anxious about everything Flowers

Hmmalittlefishy · 10/08/2017 18:33

He does need to address this sooner rather than later as once his ds gets older it's more likely he will have trips out.
When my ds stay at pils for a few days we will know they have a few trips planned but not necessarily what they are doing on each day. As long as they have adequate sun cream on, car seats and the adults have a mobile phone (that is actually ON MIL) then we have to relax about it. They are older than your friends ds but that time may come sooner than he is prepared for

Ropsleybunny · 10/08/2017 18:50

Ridiculous, the DH is a twat.

madja · 10/08/2017 18:52

I suppose he must be anxious then, from what you've said, but it seems a bit silly. Does he have any reason to distrust his child's carers?
If not, then he needs to sort this out, because it is his issue, no-one elses. It's not fair (speaking as an anxious person) to micromanage everyone because of your irrational fears.
He will get worse if this isn't dealt with and allowed to go on.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 10/08/2017 18:58

I think the OP is the husband!!

SonicBoomBoom · 10/08/2017 19:07

I think he sounds like he has anxiety, and it's manifesting itself as control.

emilybrontescorset · 10/08/2017 19:13

Dh is wrong. If he's that concerned then maybe he should be a sahp.

ThymeLordIsSpartacus · 10/08/2017 19:13

I think the OP is the husband!!

Me too.

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 19:18

I am DEFINITELY not the husband, I think it's all abit mental, wouldn't even think to have an argument with my dh over this and neither would he, we both think it's a complete over reaction

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 10/08/2017 19:18

He sounds overprotective and anxious. Not sure he's a twat, etc.

He does need to relax a little, maybe.

Genghi · 10/08/2017 19:22

I agree with the husband. God forbid but if your friend had been hurt/killed/caught up in a massive terror attack then her DH would have absolutely no idea where his son was.

Genghi · 10/08/2017 19:23

I'm a London commuter by the way. It's something I've been thinking about a lot. I would never make any safeguarding changes for DC without letting DH know or vice versa.

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 19:35

Genghi interesting he is a London commuter

OP posts:
Genghi · 10/08/2017 19:42

It's probably as simple as that then. Your friend needs to learn how to communicate better.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 19:42

I agree with the husband. God forbid but if your friend had been hurt/killed/caught up in a massive terror attack then her DH would have absolutely no idea where his son was

This is ridiculous. He has no idea where his son is most of the time when he is in work. What is the difference between going to the shop with Gran instead of as usual going to the shop with Mum. None.

Shocking thing to use to excuse this, tbh.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 19:43

posted too soon. He would know where he was; with his Gran, who like everyone else most likely has a phone.
So not even a good excuse.

Original poster
ilovecookies123 · 10/08/2017 20:50

Well she spoke to him when he got home from work and he said that he isn't angry at her at all and it really is nothing to do with DM he just wants to know where his son is if neither of them have him and said if that makes him wrong or ott then that's fair enough but he can't help how he feels.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 20:55

He can feel how he likes, but he can't control others because of it.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 11/08/2017 07:53

'He can't help how he feels' does not mean that it is reasonable or that everyone else should pander to him.

I felt like screaming in someone's face yesterday (hugely stressful moving house bollocks and I'd reached breaking point). Obviously I didn't but it's what I felt like doing. Should I have done so and expected the other person to accept that behaviour, simply because I couldn't help it?

Of course not, it's a ridiculous argument. She needs to tell him nicely but firmly that he is being silly and that she will not be pandering to this.

Sinead9 · 11/08/2017 07:55

JustDontGetItAtAll don't be so fucking paranoid

notarehearsal · 11/08/2017 08:07

When I have my DGS I will text DD to inform / check with her if I'm thinking of taking him camping or for a long car journey. I think she'd laugh if I contacted her to let her know we were off to the supermarket! The DH is being VU ( and a controlling prat)

zippey · 11/08/2017 08:07

He is wrong but cant help how he feels? He needs to look at this more logically.

If he genuinely can't help how he feels he needs to grub and suck it up. Or look for other childcare.