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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend and her strange bf

103 replies

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 15:08

So I was suppose to be seeing my friend today. We were texting yesterday and both said we were free at half 1. I got a text late this morning saying we are now in the city getting holiday bits we won't be done until 2/2.30 but I'll text you when we are done. She's not going away for another 6 weeks! Why pick today to go up the city with your bf when your suppose to be seeing your friend? I thought he was meant to be at work anyway.

Didn't hear from here until half 2 saying we are leaving in 15 mins. Been suit shopping for my bf. Thought they were holiday shopping?? And it takes 30 mins to get to mine. I have to take my DS to his dad's at half 4!

Also her bf is odd, I didn't invite him. She's done this before when we arranged to see each other she brought him and her dog! I don't want her bf knowing my new address. This is the thread about him messaging me: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998823-aibu-not-to-reply-to-my-friends-dp-messages

So I am being unreasonable or annoyed for no reason??

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 10/08/2017 16:19

To be blunt OP, you are not her priority he is, her behaviour is telling you this.She thinks it's ok to leave you waiting for her whilst she swans around with her BF.He may be controlling, he may be a cling on whatever the reason is, she's thinks it's ok to Have you hanging around for her.You have three options: say nothing, but she'll do this again, distance yourself and let her miss you or tell her how she makes you feel and go from there.Theres nothing worse than being let down by a friend, you have my sympathy. I'm at an age when I tolerate my little that makes me unhappy but it's been a good while coming.i hope you sort things out.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/08/2017 16:29

I think between this and your other thread, I would also start to suspect he was isolating her and sabotaging her friendships by stealth, he sounds creepy. In the previous one you mention she distanced herself from you for no reason. Now she's nearly 2 hours late for you because she's been suit-shopping with him? You've been friends with her since school, if she wasn't always this oblivious and selfish, then it's him isn't it.

I would tell her you are annoyed and emphasise you do want to see her but she has to stop dicking you about when you make a plan. Then be warm but firm on timings when you rearrange, so that there can be no possible doubt that she would seriously let you down - if she does it again and he is somehow involved then you'll know for sure.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 10/08/2017 16:31

I agree with texting her, but you need to understand that there's a real chance this will mean the end of your friendship. However she doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH, so really, how much of a loss is it?

I'd send:
I'm really disappointed that I have waited about for you this afternoon, yet despite agreeing to meet you haven't bothered to make any effort at all - instead deciding to go shopping and to the gym. I think it's best that we go our separate ways as I prefer to spend my time with people who genuinely care about me and value my time. Please don't contact me again.

Casmama · 10/08/2017 16:34

I would say "I value our friendship and miss seeing you as much as I used to. I am hurt by the way you have left me hanging on waiting for you on the last two occasions we were due to meet. Do you imagine I am happy to wait about for you till hours after out arrangement? I would like to feel that you valued our friendship too but at the moment I don't"

hatsoncats · 10/08/2017 16:37

I would send " I am disappointed that you have let me down again. Since you obviously feel that our friendship has run its course, we should both move on. Please do not contact me again, and please ask your DP not to contact me ever again.

Casmama · 10/08/2017 16:41

I think the suggestions to write off this friendship are a bit premature- yes she has been rude and selfish but I think a conversation is in order not cutting her off

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/08/2017 16:44

I wouldn't refer to the DP at all, it muddies the waters. She'll ask him what you can possibly mean by it and he could easily make up some bullshit that makes you look bad.

Original poster
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 16:45

lila I think he has a strong influence on her. She's just sold the house she owned which she used to love to buy one with him. This is now closer to his work but far away for her work. She admitted to me about her last boyfriend that he didn't like her going out and would stop her. She only told me this when they had split though. Maybe something similar is happening but a lot worse. Who knows I'm only speculating.

Yes I don't want to cut her out completely but I would like to let her know that it's unacceptable and not to treat me like this. I don't want to be a doormat for her to walk all over. Tbh I'm not great at confrontation, u try to avoid it where possible but I don't think I can here

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 10/08/2017 16:45

Make another date with her but a long time in the future. If she doesn't keep to it or at least have a very good reason as to why she can't make it then let it go.

Three strikes and you're out, as they say.

LadyOfPleisure · 10/08/2017 16:45

what hatsoncats said.

blankface · 10/08/2017 16:49

In my head, I'd send something like Sorry you can't make it. Such a shame your bf is so controlling he's had to spoil our plans for today. I'm surprised he would want to meet me now, after all, I have asked him to stop texting me and trying to hook up. Open your eyes and see him for what he really is.

IRL, I'd chat to her and hopefully drop enough hints so she twigged that he's not all he seems to be.

PansyParkinson · 10/08/2017 16:49

I had a friend like this. We'd always met up for coffee just the two of us. She then had two kids and her partner worked every other weekend, so obviously she would bring the kids too when he was at work as there was nobody to have them. All fine. Until she started bringing the partner and the kids and turning up 30-40 mins late.
Her partner would rush us through our coffee, clearly didn't want to be there and they were clearly "fitting me in" on their way to do other stuff in the city. She would never mention that she was bringing him and he would never want to join in the conversation.
I lost it one day when my car wasn't working and we'd arranged to meet near her. It took me two hours on public transport to get there and I managed to get there on time. It takes her 20 mins in the car to get to where we were meeting and she turns up with the other half again, 45 minutes late! I stayed for 10 minutes and explained that I had to go, I had other plans that I couldn't be late for.
I've never arranged to meet up with her again.
I wouldn't bother wasting any more of your time on her if I were you.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/08/2017 17:08

"Hi friend. I want you to know that I feel let down and annoyed by yesterday, I found your lateness rude and I'm also a bit worried about you. We arranged to meet at mine at 1-1.30. Anyone can have something overrun but I am hurt that you prioritised other things like shopping and the gym and weren't even ready to leave until over an hour after we were supposed to meet. I had a reason for agreeing to 1-1.30, I had to go out myself at 4pm. It's not acceptable to be casually so late and assume it's no problem for the other person. You did something similar last week when we didn't meet - can I just ask, is everything ok with you? It doesn't seem like you to dick people around. I would like to see you, but please stop doing this. Chocolate."

If she is just being a bit of a twat and we're wrong about the weird boyfriend she'll hopefully just slap her forehead and say "Sorry Chocolate, I've been a twat". If not then it kind of tells you something.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 10/08/2017 17:08

Gawd I'm well wordy, maybe some of the others are better Grin But you get the point, it doesn't have to be too confrontational.

Original poster
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 19:15

blank yea I'd love to write something like that! Shame I don't have the balls.
pansy I would have lost it if I had made that journey and then that happened. Can't believe she didn't realise what a dick her DH was being.
lila I quite like that wording Grin very true if she doesn't admit she was rude then it says it all.

She just text me saying sorry the city was busy. No you were just faffing around with your bf and didn't consider me waiting for you. Just dropped DS off. Now going to think about my reply

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 10/08/2017 19:19

She text you at 7?! What a cow. Let her have both barrels

gamerwidow · 10/08/2017 19:25

I wouldn't cut her out but if you make plans with her again and she's late then go out without her. She only gets away with it because she knows you'll be waiting for her to pick up whenever she gets bored.
Make yourself unavailable and she'll appreciate you more.

TennisAtXmas · 10/08/2017 19:43

Even if the bf is controlling, she would know, if she was a reasonable person, that its rude to post on Facebook that you're at the gym, when you'd agreed to meet someone at that time!
I had a similar thing - friend who had a difficult break up and needed support (had no other friends)..then she got together with someone I'd worked with, but found a bit annoying. They moved in together, and got jobs at the same place...and he then came along every time we met up (once it twice a year). I felt a little, after the first year, that they spent every moment together, and she could have spared me a couple of hours. As it was she got more and more rude, ridiculing me to him when we met, and it just wasn't worth it.
I think maybe some people think that once they find 'the one', its almost disloyal to have any other friends, unfortunately.

ohherewegoagain · 10/08/2017 19:47

Doesn't sound like a friend at all to me OP.

Original poster
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 20:17

adalind yes she did! She didnt read the message until about 4! Could have still been up the city! Then didnt reply until 7.

game yea i guess so. I think she thinks its ok to do that to me because i never say anything.

excatly how i see it tennis. Really not nice of her taking the mick out of you in front of DP. How nasty. Perhaps that is the case, but i find that rather sad.

God im worried about send a text to her. I think it could turn nasty.

OP posts:
TennisAtXmas · 10/08/2017 20:40

Don't feel u have to do anything that ur not comfortable with OP (textwise, or anything else!). You can just drop her and see what happens if u want to - or leave it a few days - I don't like confrontations either!

Original poster
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 10/08/2017 21:05

Thanks tennis i feel like i need to say something. People who have treated me like rubbish in the past ive just cut off with no explain to them to what theyve done. I regretted it and wish i had told them. I havent seen her in 3 months! If i lose her friendship so be at least i would have said my piece. Just need to pluck the courage up to send the message!!

OP posts:
vikingprincess81 · 10/08/2017 21:18

There are some master text writers/proofreaders here OP not me so if you want to post it, or the gist first I'm sure a seasoned texter will help you word it. But don't feel you have to do anything either. If it's going to cause you strife today that you don't need, you can always send it tomorrow when you've slept on it. Flowers

Original poster
Chocolatteandbiscuits · 11/08/2017 11:03

Thanks viking

This is the text I was thinking of sending to her. What does everyone think? Anything you think I should add/take out,

We were really looking forward to seeing you but feel a bit* disappointed that you said you were free from half 1 and knew I was free and then you went going holiday shopping/suit shopping
/gym. Luckily I took DS out early in the morning otherwise we would have been stuck in the house waiting. Hopefully we can rearrange something again soon x

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 11/08/2017 11:12

Far too nice/wishy washy!