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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - freedom for 11 yo

79 replies

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 12:31

My DS ws 11 in Feb. He's very sensible, fairly grown up for his age but hasn't had loads of freedom going out on his own due to a number of reasons (he does lots of sports so is at activities most of the time, we do lots as a family and we also live in a very busy city).

This summer he was allowed to go off when we were on holiday on his own but we gave certain stipulations such as go to one place and let us know if you are going elsewhere. He was erratic at best at adhering to that. He was always safe and sensible but did not do as we asked most of the time with regards to that.

This morning we said he could walk to his sports camp on his own, really straight forward walk, one busy bit of road but easily negotiated TBH. I asked him to text when he got there but of course he didn't. His coach let me know he was there so I am not actually worried but it's not the point. The route he walked, although not dangerous traffic wise, is through somewhere that could be considered a slight risk (don't' want to say as fairly outing as quite rare) so I did want to know he was there ok.

I suppose my AIBU is do you think it is a reasonable ask him to let me know he got there safely? Due to the nature of the camp they wouldn't necessary let me know he didn't arrive often people just don't turn up so I could turn up at tea time and him not be there.

I just want to deal with it reasonably, he needs to be able to do these things on his own as he will be going to seniors soon but at 11 I don't believe he should be able to go off and do as he pleases without us knowing where he is.

I don't want people saying he should have had more freedom by now etc, we are not particularly over protective and he does do other stuff on his own but where we live is not hugely safe and he is amongst the norm for the amount of freedom he has (more than his close friends), I just feel I need a bit of help on how to deal with this when I go to pick him up.

Thanks all

OP posts:

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 13:20

Yes you're right Sweetluck, doesn't make me feel better though, I suppose if he was abducted or just randomly went off somewhere I potentially wouldn't know for hours. I know that is extremely unlikely so I am be ridiculous there.

OP posts:

SometimesMaybe · 10/08/2017 13:24

I think it depends on where you live - in a city, a town, a suburb, and the individual child. What freedoms does he have at the moment? Does he walk to friends houses/park/clubs? How does he get to school? It does seem quite strange that a child of 11 can't walk to a club on their own in the absence of any other outside issues.

At 11 1/2 I was going to high school walking two miles there and back. Walking to my hockey class at night (when it was light at night) walking to town to meet my friends at the weekend. I could navigate public transport (one simple train journey).

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 13:32

He is absolutely fine walking alone, it's the fact I just asked him to let me know he is there by text which he didn't do.

School is over an hours walk and he does activities most nights so can't walk back. It's a very busy city (some areas pretty awful too). The parks have lots of issues (recently people using needles in the play parks, the skate park set on fire and other equally awful things in the 2 nearest parks) so they don't tend to go to the local ones. He is allowed to others on his own but I would drop him as they're further away then I would go off somewhere.

I do want him to have more freedom, I just felt asking him to text is a tiny thing so if he can't even manage that is he ready?

He is probably the most sensible, grown up 11 year old in all other aspects that I know, this is why I think he should be able to text me, him appearing grown up is possibly a red herring. Sometimes I think he just knows he's ok and can look after himself so doesn't think to let me know.

OP posts:

NC4now · 10/08/2017 13:36

I have a very sensible grown up DS 11 too. When he goes off I ask him to call or text me when he meets his friends, if it's off our street. He doesn't always remember though, so if I haven't heard in 10 mins or so I give him a ring.
YANBU.

caffeinestream · 10/08/2017 13:40

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a text. If he can't adhere to that, he shouldn't have the responsibility to go out on his own. Freedom is fine, but that doesn't mean he can just do what he wants and not let you know he's safe.

At that age, I was allowed out with friends to town/the cinema/McDonald's, but I had to let my parents know when I was back (if they were at work) and if I wanted to go somewhere else/stay late/go to a friends, I had to ring and get permission first.

Yes, 99% of the time he'll be safe, but if he's capable of walking to town on his own, he's capable of following basic instructions.

SometimesMaybe · 10/08/2017 13:41

Ok so that makes much more sense with the context (completely different from my example)
I don't know about the text thing - I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask, but I don't know if it would be something I would ask for. Do you have the "track my phone" app? Would that give you peace of mind instead without having to rely on him until he is a couple of years older?
If this is the only chance he gets to have some freedom I think it would be counter productive to take it off him.

kmc1111 · 10/08/2017 13:48

Is he really forgetting, or do you think he's just not bothering?

My eldest two would always forget to text me, so I'd just text them shortly after I thought they should have arrived somewhere, and then they'd text me right back.

They were perfectly capable of safely getting around, made smart choices, acted maturely in everything else etc., but when they got somewhere they'd just jump straight into the action and forget all about me. I understood, I was the same at their age.

So if you think he's genuinely just forgetting, I'd try texting him first. Do it enough and eventually it'll become habit and he'll remember to text.

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 13:50

Sometimes - that's a really good point, I want him to be able to go on his own and he really doesn't have that much opportunity so it is quite important. He was meant to be walking home with a friend all last school year but the friend started an afterschool club so it didn't happen.

I will have a look at the app also just in case. I couldn't really call him 10 mins later as he would have been training by then so wouldn't have his phone. In other circumstances that would be easier. I would like to think he is capable of texting 99% of the time, forgetting on the odd occasion would not be the end of the world.

OP posts:

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 13:54

kmc1111 - that's what I'm hoping it is but within minutes of arriving he wouldn't have had his phone so no point in me calling or texting at that point . He would have had access to his phone at lunchtime but hasn't replied to me at all. I don't think he'd ignore me, he just won't have even looked.

OP posts:

NC4now · 10/08/2017 13:58

I think it's fair enough to tell him he needs to text or he won't be able to go on his own, and follow through with it.
Even if it's just for a day, so if he forgets one day, he doesn't get to walk the next day.
He'll soon learn.

SometimesMaybe · 10/08/2017 14:05

It's hard isn't it to know what's best. You can only do what you think is best. I suppose it might be quite hard for him - he arrives / sees a friend / signs in etc and doesn't get that minute to text.

Perhaps tomorrow he could have the text written - "I'm here fine" or whatever and then only has to press send? It's a new routine for him too.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2017 14:05

"Kids missing isn't such a rarity and needs addressing.".

Yes it is, don't be silly.

OP- it is perfectly possible that he genuinely forget to text you-if he got there and was immediately in with a group of mates. I suggest you text him-and if he doesn't reply then tell him he won't be able to walk alone til he's able to be more responsible.

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 14:10

I do think he has genuinely forgotten. I will have a chat with him tonight and see what he says.

OP posts:

londonmummy1966 · 10/08/2017 14:20

I think you are being very sensible about this OP - as you can tell from my name I have issues with 2DDs in a big city with dodgy areas. My DDs had to call me to say they had reached school when they started going together when the elder was 10. They knew that it was a responsibility that went with the freedom. The fact that your son wasn't prepared to take one with the other needs to be addressed. Perhaps it is worth explaining to him that you aren't necessarily checking up on him because you don't trust him but because you have concerns about his safety at certain points on the route? I hadn't explained this properly to DD2 at one point. Once she realised that I was not worried about her being responsible but that there were (albeit minor) risks she was much better and happier about the rules I'd put in place about contacting me.

sikedon · 10/08/2017 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 14:37

Thanks London. That's really helpful, definitely a good way to discuss the issue with him. He does think we don't trust him as we have said no to certain things that other people have done (ie hanging around random places for no reason) so maybe explaining this to him properly could help.

OP posts:

hidingmystatus · 10/08/2017 14:41

My DD was required to text (age 10/11) when she got to wherever - school or sports. We told her that if no text received, she'd be walked there for a week by one of us - holding her hand, in full view of the assembled others. She never forgot.

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 15:04

hiding - that's genius

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Booboobooboo84 · 10/08/2017 16:20

I think with iPhones you can choose to share your location with friends. Can you look at something like that so you can just discretely check without him needing to text. Or set up a snapchat account just between the two of you and it will show him on a map and you can have a rule that he has to snap you a quick pic when he gets there. Might be a bit more fun with him

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 16:27

Oh my, I am so embarrassed! He did text me but the network on his phone was down, I checked it all, he had no idea it didn't send. I have reset it and it's working now. I have told him to check in future though as he can always WhatsApp if the network is not working. Snapchat is a good idea too thanks.

Thanks for all the good advice everyone, at least I know I am being reasonable in asking him to text.

OP posts:

londonmummy1966 · 10/08/2017 16:43

Glad he was being sensible about it - probably still worth a chat though so he understands why you want to know.

Hiding - I've not had a great afternoon - on another thread- but that idea cheered me up - might try it with my 13yo as she can be a pain sometimes....

alltouchedout · 10/08/2017 16:48

My 11 year old has to text or call me every hour when he is out with his friends, to call me if they're going out of the pre agreed area, and to text me to confirm safe arrival if he is going somewhere such as a sports club alone. I don't care if that seems like overkill to some people. He has previously gone so missing, in Ardwick in Manchester at night, that I have reported it to the police (who did not think my call was overkill at all, before anyone tells me I am wasting police resources or anything similar). He has not yet earned enough of my trust to be out of contact for more than an hour at a time and it is going to take quite some time for him to prove he should have the freedom to do so.

Original poster

ZanyMobster · 10/08/2017 16:49

I made a joke of what Hiding said when I arrived and DSs 19 yo coach said that his mum does that to him now when he doesn't let her know

Yes I have had a chat with him and explained why I want to know. I am hoping it sinks in. I have said he can walk over tomorrow.

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 10/08/2017 16:51

In some ways tho, when r u going to stop asking him to text he's there? If he walks to school, does he have to text?

Kids will frequently forget to text, its responsible behaviour travelling u want, I'm not sure texting is really part of that. Maybe now, for a few months but not long term. See poster whose parents want text in her 30s

TeenAndTween · 10/08/2017 16:53

Glad it all worked out, I don't think it is an unreasonable request.

DD1 has recently passed her driving test. For longer journeys we are asking for a text when she sets off and when she arrives, which she is happy to do. In a while it will change to longer unfamiliar journeys only.

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