AIBU - freedom for 11 yo

[ZanyMobster]

My DS ws 11 in Feb. He's very sensible, fairly grown up for his age but hasn't had loads of freedom going out on his own due to a number of reasons (he does lots of sports so is at activities most of the time, we do lots as a family and we also live in a very busy city).

This summer he was allowed to go off when we were on holiday on his own but we gave certain stipulations such as go to one place and let us know if you are going elsewhere. He was erratic at best at adhering to that. He was always safe and sensible but did not do as we asked most of the time with regards to that.

This morning we said he could walk to his sports camp on his own, really straight forward walk, one busy bit of road but easily negotiated TBH. I asked him to text when he got there but of course he didn't. His coach let me know he was there so I am not actually worried but it's not the point. The route he walked, although not dangerous traffic wise, is through somewhere that could be considered a slight risk (don't' want to say as fairly outing as quite rare) so I did want to know he was there ok.

I suppose my AIBU is do you think it is a reasonable ask him to let me know he got there safely? Due to the nature of the camp they wouldn't necessary let me know he didn't arrive often people just don't turn up so I could turn up at tea time and him not be there.

I just want to deal with it reasonably, he needs to be able to do these things on his own as he will be going to seniors soon but at 11 I don't believe he should be able to go off and do as he pleases without us knowing where he is.

I don't want people saying he should have had more freedom by now etc, we are not particularly over protective and he does do other stuff on his own but where we live is not hugely safe and he is amongst the norm for the amount of freedom he has (more than his close friends), I just feel I need a bit of help on how to deal with this when I go to pick him up.

Thanks all

[ZanyMobster]

I agree, it won't be forever but he's not even at senior school yet so once he can earn his trust then he can have more freedom which is likely to be going out and having a time to come home (within reason).

Actually I think it is fairly normal for close family/friends to want to know someone is home safely. Me and my friends/family do this for instance when driving a long distance, getting to a holiday destination or when travelling alone on the train/walking at night. Totally different than texting to say they have arrived every time they go somewhere, I assumed that's what that poster meant also.

My XH was very controlling and I used to have to text him when I arrived at work every day (half hour drive) he used to call me if I forgot. I used to think it was because he was worried but then realised that wasn't the case . . .

[Notevilstepmother]

Good to hear he did try. Glad to be wrong in this case :-)

[becotide]

My 11 year old went throuh this "i'll do what I want" phase. I lamped down on him massively because if he can't handle 11 year old fredoms, he doesn't get to have them. If I can't trust him, I WON'T trust him.

[SabineUndine]

Can you text him and have him reply? Also make bargain that if he texts you when he's out for six months, he doesn't have to text you if it's a regular gig?

[Jaxhog]

I'd have thought it was quite simple really. If he want freedom, he has to follow your rules. If he doesn't, he clearly isn't responsible enough to go out on his own. Tell him this. Tell him he can go on his own if he obeys your rules. If not, he doesn't go out on his own again for a month (or period of your choice, but at least a month). He'll soon get the message.

[converseandjeans]

YANBU and there was a thread on here couple of days ago where a 10 & 13 yo were going to be left on their own all day while parents were are work for 5 weeks. Some people were arguing (quite aggresively) that this was OK!!
I think they do need some freedom and should be able to be trusted, but if he can't keep to the basics i.e. come back at the right time/let you know when he gets there then he will have to have less freedom.
I know years ago nobody could let anyone know if they were OK but as we mostly all have a mobile then it's kind of become the norm.

[ZanyMobster]

You would think it would be simple Jax but converse's point does make me doubt myself especially as my boundaries as a child were not particularly normal. On MN it seems that any child over age 6 should be going to the shops, playing out alone etc so now I am cautiously giving my 11 yo more and more freedom I feel maybe I am asking something OTT.

My friend has always let her DD out wherever she wants, at 9 or 10 YO she was only meant to be allowed to walk round the block but she went off to the local McDonalds which was at least a half hour walk and crossing over a main road (busy road directly off the motorway). My friends theory was that as she was fine and got home ok she should be allowed that extra freedom and wasn't worth the hassle of telling her off. My take on it was that you earn the trust and if you break it you get less freedom.

I guess I wanted to check I wasn't being over the top, as it happened he did as he was asked (kind of) and all is good.

[alltouchedout]

On MN it seems that any child over age 6 should be going to the shops, playing out alone etc

Only if you post that you are not allowing that. If you post saying "I send my 10 year old to Tesco three streets away to get cat food, that's OK isn't it?" you will be lambasted for your extreme neglectfulness :)

[ZanyMobster]

yes you're right. I am (pleasantly) surprised at the responses and I haven't been told I should have been letting him do this years ago. I have had great advice and feel loads happier and more confident about it all.

[PancakesAteTheChildren]

Watching with interest for my Ds 11

[Saracen]

I think what you are planning to do is very normal for a parent, as indicated by the responses you have had here. But I don't think it is a good idea. What is the purpose of you wanting him to text you upon arrival to tell you he has arrived safely?

Is it because you think that if he doesn't text you promptly, this will indicate there's a major problem and that you'll be able to take action at that time which will save him from serious harm? Can you come up with one or two LIKELY scenarios in which that might happen? I can't.

Here's the thing. There are various problems your son might encounter as he makes his way to his club alone. In some cases (e.g. a snarling dog is approaching him, or other kids dare him to run across the road in front of a car) he'll have to rely on his own good judgement. In other cases (e.g. he gets lost or hasn't brought enough bus money) he will contact you or someone else for help. It isn't at all likely that a situation will arise which is so sudden and extreme that he can't do either of those things. Possibly he could be knocked over by a car or beaten by a gang of thugs? But even in such a case, if you take some action such as ringing him or the police 20 or 30 minutes later as a result of not receiving an expected text from him, what are the chances that you'll be able to intervene in time to help?

If you accept that it is really highly highly unlikely that your son will get into the sort of trouble from which you would be able to rescue him by (say) ringing him or the police or going out in search of him some time afterward, then it follows that the real reason you want him to text you on arrival is to spare you the discomfort of your irrational fears.

Some PPs have observed that "with freedom comes responsibility". I agree - but that's the responsibility for behaving sensibly and keeping himself safe. Which your ds does: you describe him as an exceptionally mature and sensible kid. I don't think that the price he pays for his freedom should be the responsibility to constantly allay his parents' unfounded fears. Those are your problem. Don't make them his.

I think you should assume your ds is safe unless you hear otherwise. Talk specifically to him about real, statistically likely dangers such as getting hit by a car through carelessness or being sexually abused by someone he knows well, and discuss actions he can take. Don't be guided by thoughts of bizarre one-in-a-million tabloid incidents such as "being tied up in the back of a van". Requiring him to text you as a matter of routine to say he's okay is giving him the message that you think there's a significant chance he isn't, even though you have no reason to believe that. Instilling that vague fear will do him more harm than good.

[missymayhemsmum]

You gave him a little bit of freedom and a clear rule. He disobeyed you. So read him the riot act and then give him another chance or he's grounded and his friends will know why. Yes, you are the strictest, most unreasonable parent, obvs.

[ZanyMobster]

Saracen, I think you are partly right about my reasons but I am not going to ask him to text forever. Just in these very early days that's all but you have given me something to think about, I think your points are extremely valid. In this instance it is a 5 min walk so actually the next road (but it's a long route to get to the club) so I guess I would have wandered round. That wouldn't have been an odd thing in this situation due to my involvement in the club.

[BertrandRussell]

Saracen- what a brilliant post.
I always told my children that I asked them to text for my peace of mind. They call it HMA- Humouring Mum's Paranoia- and have always been happy to do it because they think of it as them being kind to me rather than me not trusting them if you see what I mean.

[ZanyMobster]

Bert - that is exactly what I told DS last night and he was fine about it all. He knows it's not because I don't trust him and I made that very clear.

Saracens post has made me feel a lot more comfortable about the whole thing.

It's weird because when DS (at only 9) went on an 8 day ski trip including over 24 hours on a coach and no phones allowed I am one of the most relaxed as we roughly know we'll hear from them about 30 hours after they leave and if anything happened we'd hear before. No idea why I feel differently now TBH.

He texted me this morning, he looked so happy going off on his own bless him.

[BertrandRussell]

My 16 year old is at a festival and I got a HMP text, complete with picture of his bed when he got back to his tent- at 3am!

[ZanyMobster]

That's brilliant, I automatically let my parents know I arrive places safely even now at 37 so he'll probably always do that now.

[alltouchedout]

I think you should assume your ds is safe unless you hear otherwise

I think this depends very much on the young person in question, to be honest.

[BackforGood]

Excellent post by Saracen who has expressed exactly what I think.

[FuckingHateRats]

Perfectly reasonable. My 10yr old had a fair bit if freedom - walks a mile to school and back with his friends, they can go to the swimming pool /beach/park on their own for a couple of hours. He always has to text and check in when he gets there and when when he's leaving. If he didn't the privilege would stop.

[Doglikeafox]

I totally agree wth other posters. He obviously is not ready for the freedom, so it will have to stop until he shows you that you can trust him to follow out simple safety precautions (such as texting).
I was always given loads of freedom as a child. By 11 I would walk into town after school with my friends and not return until tea time. I ALWAYS text. No ifs, no buts, if I couldn't get through to Mum or Dad (phone died etc) then that was it, i wouldn't go out. I really valued the freedom I had, and knew that my parents were more lenient than most.

[Purple52]

My children aren't that old yet. Though we are in the cusp on independence at 9 because of the stupid middle school system here.
Following my mothers example. If the text was not receive by the appropriate time, she would have driven to said club for a full 'check over' to ensure me or my sibling hadn't lost and arm/leg or phone enroute!! ....It's enough to ensure next time you text discretely!!! When next times trust has been re-earned.

[CherryPie400]

My 12 nearly 13 year old doesn't have that much freedom - other than walking up to school from the end of the road the school is on, with his mates, I know I could trust him but its everyone else I don't trust, youths and other adults mainly. He's only gotta be in the wrong place at the wrong time and could end up in all sorts of trouble! we live in a fairly dodgy massive council estate and buses are erratic at best - too far to walk so he'd have to catch buses to get to his mates houses and I'm just not comfortable with him being out, he doesn't yet have the responsibility to make sure his phone is charged before he leaves and text when he arrives somewhere, plus I'm broke and extra bus fares or petrol to take him places aren't affordable at the moment!

When he's 14 I'll consider it, he'll be 13/14 next summer so if he's responsible enough then I'll consider it x

I'm overprotective too so yh that doesn't help lol

[Beetlejuice43]

It was three rings when you get there in my day.
He's not ready for the responsibility I think.

[ElizabethShaw]

I think if they can't follow the rules, they don't get the freedom.

My 7 year old is just pretty independent and reliable!e but if he comes home late he doesn't get to go out with his friends the next time.