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Original poster

Doctors in one hour, what do I say?

149 replies

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 10/08/2017 08:08

I have doctors in one hour that the midwife made me book, I strongly suspect I am suffering with PND quite badly, I spent the day yesterday hiding under the covers crying my eyes out and wishing I could run away from my life. I can't cope at all.
I've never been to this doctors before and I suddenly feel so nervous and like I don't know what to say to him....
What if he fobs me off or just says I have baby blues?
What if he goes the other way and reports me to social services?
I just wish this wasn't happening to me.
Im feeling utter hopelessness.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 12/08/2017 13:12

I feel at my absolute worst today and had some kind of breakdown this morning, family have rallied round and taken the kids out for the day so I can try and breathe!
My mum is having the baby tonight here so I can sleep.
I feel completely unable to cope today and sleep deprivation has hit me hard after a very bad night last night.
My anxiety is so bad but I have got advice and it seems that the tablets can make you feel much worse at first before they get better so I will continue pushing through with them, I can only pray I will get better one day?

Has anyone here got any tips or anecdotes of what got them through the worst?
I feel sickeningly ashamed that I won't be with my precious baby tonight. I love her I really do but I need to sleep.

OP posts:
splendidglenda · 12/08/2017 13:32

Can you try to get to a doctor today for some short term anxiety relief med?Diazepam would do the trick.

This would be my tip. As would reminding yourself that this is only temporary. I totally get how you feel. I felt like I'd never recover, but I did. You will too, OP.

Also, feeling sickeningly guilty as you describe, is a symptom of PND. You are not doing anything wrong by trying to get a decent night's sleep. Try to shake off that guilt. Brew

Foslady · 12/08/2017 14:09

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY

If you are struggling with PND and anti d's kicking in sleep deprivation is the last thing you need on top of this. By letting your child have a sleepover at a trusted adults i.e. your mums you are being VERY responsible. This is a case of looking after your child by looking after you.
Remember everyone believes in you Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/08/2017 15:26

What I am going to say may sound very strange but bear with me.
It is OK to give yourself permission to feel like crap. It is OK to give yourself permission to say today I am not coping and the world can sod off, I'll try again tomorrow. Fighting against a low mood all the time is exhausting especially if you are also sleep deprived. If you need some peace and quiet to recharge your batteries then don't hesitate to take it. It's part of managing your illness, just like the AD.

mikeyssister · 12/08/2017 15:35

If you had flu and couldn't be with your baby you wouldn't feel guilty because you'd realise it's better for you're baby for you to be well.

This is exactly the same. You're ill and need to get better before you can be the Mammy you really are.

LadyNymeriaGhost · 12/08/2017 16:24

When I was at my worst, DH had the baby downstairs on his own for 2 nights straight. I felt so guilty. But it was the absolutely best thing for me. It gave me the energy to start to fight back. When I have a bad night, I take the kids to my MILs and go upstairs and sleep. I've just come down from a 3 hour nap. DD loves playing at grandma's and the baby generally sleeps. And he's developing a great bond with MIL.
Seriously, OP, you are me 6 weeks ago. I said exactly the same things. And I'm getting better. Things WILL get better. They will. Keep going.

monkeyfacegrace · 12/08/2017 16:29

I was given citalopram. I was bordering on psychosis after my second. I wanted to have him adopted. I hated him, he'd ruined my life. I literally wanted to die. I wasn't scared about telling anyone either, in fact I was rather outspoken about this little arsehole who had been born and invaded my privacy HmmGrin

Anyway, after a few hard weeks, AMAZING support from DH and my med, things started looking up. I made a plan every day so I was never ambling around aimlessly.

Now it's been 8 years, and I've had my third baby. They are all still arseholes, but I wouldn't be without them and I'm a bloody good mum.

You'll be just grand Smile

vikingprincess81 · 12/08/2017 16:36

Minute by minute OP, that's how I got through some days.
Feeling guilty is part of the illness, and you've got nothing to feel guilty about.
Use the time to rest up, catch up on sleep and recharge your batteries.
Your lovely baby is being cared for, they're totally unaware of what's happening, and you're doing exactly what you need to do to recover and help yourself.
It's the old chestnut about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, you have to make sure you're ok before you can be ok for your baby.
You've got this, and all of us horrible vipers are around to cheer you on when you need it GrinFlowers

NipInTheAir · 12/08/2017 16:46

Darling, your baby won't remember she spent tonight with your mum.

You are unwell and exhausted. I think you can be proud that you have been to the GP, started medication, have achieved a pregnancy and birth, have a mum who understands as much because you are a fab dd as she is a fab mum.

I see a whole shedload of positives and excellent mothering in there. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Flowers
LadyNymeriaGhost · 12/08/2017 16:51

I see a whole shedload of positives and excellent mothering in there. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

^ This. Absolutely this.^

hamsterdance · 12/08/2017 16:54

I've just delurked for the first time in about three years because your experience sounds so similar to mine OP. And yes, I absolutely had a breakdown the day after I started taking citalopram, I look back now and recognise it as my lowest point. My mum had to come and rescue me basically, and I spent a week hiding in my bedroom with my mum and husband doing all the childcare. I was crippled with anxiety and insomnia and I thought I had ruined my life. But the citalopram very quickly started to help after that, and in the end it was a lifesaver.

My daughter is now 3 and we have a great life together. This bit isn't you, it's something your body has done to you and it's hideously unfair but you will come through it.

splendidglenda · 12/08/2017 20:06

OP, one day you'll be giving advice to someone else who is going through pnd. You'll look back and see how you came through. You'll get there. Be kind to yourself. We're all here when and if you need to talk

PandorasXbox · 12/08/2017 20:35

Well done for posting and seeking support, you've had some lovely messages. I'm glad your mum is helping you tonight so you can sleep, I really hope you get some.

Give it a little time for the citalopram to work and in the meantime lean on everyone around you for support. Try and get out of the house on your own for some fresh air even if it's just sitting on a bench watching the world go by and try and get as much rest as possible.

You will feel better. Just a little bit longer Flowers

splendidglenda · 13/08/2017 12:40

OP, how are you doing? Come back at any time and someone here can talk to you, if it helps. Hope you're managing to get some support in real life to help you through this difficult time. Hold on. You'll get there. This is just temporary Flowers

2017SoFarSoGood · 13/08/2017 20:15

Thinking of you OP and hoping you are resting and just letting your lovely family take care of you, until you can. And you will get there. Soon. Until then, 💐

LadyNymeriaGhost · 13/08/2017 21:51

Thinking about you too, OP. Hope today was a good day, but if not, there's always tomorrow.

Tinkie25 · 13/08/2017 22:03

I've taken citalopram for pnd too. I almost stopped because I felt worse, but so glad I didn't as they helped me recover. It was gradual, but they worked. Sending hugs xx

FreakinDeacon · 13/08/2017 22:15

Hope you're managing to get some rest Pumpernickel. Things will get better. Flowers

mogulfield · 13/08/2017 22:33

Flowers it will get better Op, the thing about depression and anxiety is that it does pass. Whenever I have a bad day I have my mantra 'this too shall pass' and I allow myself to feel down.
As others have said there's a relief when you stop fighting how you feel.
monkeyfacegrace your post has made my evening Smile

Haudyerwheesht · 13/08/2017 22:53

Right - stop feeling guilty. This isn't your fault and you need to look after yourself and get better.

Yes citalopram can make you feel worse before you get better which tbh when you're already at rock bottom is literally a bitter pill to swallow.

Just focus on surviving through this - that's it. Don't expect miracles , don't push yourself too hard , just keep breathing.

After I had my second baby I felt just like you describe - very very anxious but also completely detached from everything. It was a horrible horrible feeling. I put off getting help for way too long but when I did things improved. You're doing the right thing.

You know what else? Now my second baby is 6 and as much as I worried myself sick and felt incredibly guilty that I was fucking up our bond she is my shadow now. She is funny and cute and adorable and I wouldn't change her or her brother for the world. They're both well adjusted and loved and also pretty annoying and stroppy and noisy at times just like kids should be. I haven't done any harm. They love me and I love them and getting help wAs the best thing I ever did for me and them.

Go easy on yourself, ask for help as often as you need, seek comfort in minor things, love yourself and just keep going. I promise, things will get better and one day you'll be like me posting on here advising someone else how you came through the other side. I just so feel for you and wish I could give you a crystal ball so you'd know it's true.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/08/2017 12:20

Pumpernickle how are you doing today?

Original poster
PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 16/08/2017 03:21

Hi everyone!
I am almost a week in now and the side effects of feeling worse etc have started to ease off, I had a much much better day yesterday.
I have been accepting every single offer of help (for once in my life) and my mum had the baby for a few nights so I could sleep (literally 8pm - 7am) so I was still with baby all day etc
Not normally something that anyone would ever have helped me with before but I think family have seen how serious it got.
These tablets are helping so much now the side effects are wearing off....last wednesday I was walking in the rain crying and praying for a car to hit me.....today I am more clear headed and although I am obviously still unwell, I can see there is a positive future ahead and that one day soon I will be feeling so much better.
Of course everyone would be better off with me here and its scary to think that for a few weeks I didn't think that.
Your support has been completely crucial to me to even get to the doctors in the first place.
I can't thank you all enough.
You probably saved my life.

OP posts:
Claireshh · 16/08/2017 03:56

I just read your whole thread and most recent update. So pleased for you that you are being supported and that the medication is helping. Xxxxxx

stolemyusername · 16/08/2017 04:03

You are doing so well, asking for help is really hard x

HPandBaconSandwiches · 16/08/2017 05:07

So glad you have support OP. Well done 100x over for taking these vital steps back to health. All the best for your recovery. Flowers

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