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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil very unwell

67 replies

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 02:04

Long time lurker first time poster, without being too outing we have had no contact with mil since fils death five years ago, my father in law was a wonderful man separated from mil, she had always been a vindictive nasty woman but she is my husbands mother so I persevered, she hated me but was always careful never to be caught in her nastiness, my husband is one of 6 siblings, she has never in all the years ive known her been talking to all her children at any given time, there was always at least one son on the outside, because of the split in the family after they separated my Fil and some of his sons were not in contract, long story short fils funeral was a horrible experience, I'd been tolerating mil until this, but on the day my husband heard all the horrible things she was saying about me and our children, I would never have brought them up but she seemed to loose control of herself and was caught, my AIBU, he hasn't spoken to her since but now she is very unwell, I'm very black and white, I feel I went above and beyond for many years, I had her for Christmas and such, I'm not a hypocrite, I don't attend funerals of people I don't speak to, but I adore my husband, I've told him she's his mother and he must do what his heart tells him I won't have any issue with him seeing her and never have but I'm not getting involved, i will always be there for him but I cannot stand in mourning, AIBU

OP posts:

bellabelly · 10/08/2017 02:13

No, you're not being unreasonable. But you need to think about your dh and supporting him. It's probably a v difficult time for him and I would just want to help him, tbh.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 02:20

You support your husband. He put you first, now you do the same for him and stand next to him at his mothers funeral, it doesn't matter if she was the anti-christ incarnate.

HiJenny35 · 10/08/2017 02:21

Tbh I think no matter how horrible our parents we are sort of inbuilt to have a feeling of connection to them and I think he might regret it if he doesn't see her. I think I would support him, for him not for her. I would go along with him and wait outside while he saw her so I was there if he was upset after and I would attend the funeral on his arm as support. I don't think that's being two faced or lowering your morals but you don't want him to feel like he can't see her as a mark of respect to you and then resent you or wish he had once it's too late.

Original poster

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 02:23

I really want to help him, I want to be there for him and I will emotionally and in every way I can except being present at the funeral. I feel terrible about this but I cannot in good conscience attend this funeral, I don't speak to her, it reeks of hypocrisy to me.

OP posts:

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/08/2017 02:27

Perhaps you could travel with him to the service & wait outside for him & then be with him for comfort afterwards at the wake?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 02:27

It's not hypocrisy at all. If you let him go alone to his mothers funeral alone that should weigh much heavier on your conscience. Could you really be that selfish, because of your pride?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/08/2017 02:31

I should add that my mother & her FiL, my Grandfather, were nc & she would not go to his funeral, which was about a 5 hour journey from my parents house. She wouldn't travel with my father so he had to make that very sad journey alone. He had my DB & I and his siblings at the funeral & wake but I hated thinking of him on that journey alone but lived in the opposite direction and had a young baby so really couldn't go & fetch him. I still feel my DM was wrong. She made a hard day harder &, as she often does, made something which was not about her, about her.

Original poster

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 02:31

That's exactly what I had intended to do, to drive him there and be waiting for him, it seems awful to even be talking like this while she's alive but it's playing on my mind, my husband genuinely is my priority, I hate to feel like I'm letting him down.

OP posts:

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 02:32

You would be, if you didn't go. Funerals are not for the dead, they are for those left behind.

abbey44 · 10/08/2017 02:35

It's not hypocrisy, it's supporting your husband when he needs it - and you. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do what you have to for the people you love. Your MIL won't be able to care one way or another in her coffin, but your DH will care if you're not there. Take a deep breath, pull up your big girl's pants and stand next to him. Think whatever you like, but give his hand a squeeze and remind yourself who really matters...

sobeyondthehills · 10/08/2017 02:52

The funeral is not all about mourning the person that is dead but supporting the people that are still alive

waitingforthewaterwars2 · 10/08/2017 02:53

Funerals are for the living , not the dead.
Encourage him to go, and go yourself. He will feel guilty if he doesn't , not matte what he currently might feel.
I don't feel that hypocrisy has anything to do with this kind of a situation. This is about rising above the gross behaviour of your MIL and being the better person, and modelling that for your children. It's also a good opportunity to let it go.
Don't look on it as standing in mourning, more of being a support for DH and your children.
And on a ...er.....cheekier note - it will be both a great chance to ensure that she is really dead, and to bitch her out amongst everyone else who is there under sufferance, and duty who have been on the sharp end of her tongue.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/08/2017 02:55

YABU. Not going because it would be hypocritical is a way of making a stand about how much you didn't like her. But this isn't the time for that.
The only thing not going will do is hurt your husband, whom you love. Your MIL, whom you don't love, won't know anything about it. You don't have to stand in mourning, just stand next to your husband.

HurryUpAndWait · 10/08/2017 03:30

If she's that bad, go to the funeral to make sure she's dead.

I think it would be a childish thing to not attend the funeral. It isn't as if she'd really be there and your husband will need you.

You not going would be making it all about you. Not on.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 10/08/2017 03:35

YABVU. My honest opinion is that I can't believe you're even contemplating not going. It's not about her, it's about supporting your husband who will need you at the funeral. As someone said, when you go to a funeral, it's about being there for those who are left behind. How can you leave the man who you propose to love to do so on his own? Take her out of the equation and accept that your husband will need you at a difficult time in his life and don't leave him alone.

Brittbugs80 · 10/08/2017 06:24

I think you're being incredibly selfish. The funeral isn't about your MIL, it's about your Husband saying goodbye to his Mom and needing the full support of his "caring" wife, not a selection of support you cherry pick to give him.

He took your side and supported you to the detriment of his relationship. Are you really that hateful you can't stand by his side now?

It's not all about you and your feelings. Consider your Husband's too.

Bamboofordinneragain · 10/08/2017 06:53

You have to go, very childish not to. And you can look at the coffin and have a silent gloat if you want to. As others have said, this isn't about you. It sounds as if many other mourners will feel the same as you, but you need to support your DH on this one.

OliviaStabler · 10/08/2017 07:25

YABVU. This is no time to take a stand. You should go and support your husband. Your MIL will be dead and not going just makes you look petty and childish. She clearly is a toxic woman but this is about your husband, not her.

eurochick · 10/08/2017 07:36

As others have said, funerals are for the living, not the dead. Your husband is likely to have a lot of emotions swirling around due to their relationship, so be there to support him.

Notreallyarsed · 10/08/2017 07:37

DP and DM never really got on, but he still took her to chemo/radio appointments, came to the hospice to visit, spent her last weekend at their house with me, and carried her coffin in to her funeral. Because he loves me, and wanted to support me.
I can fully understand not wanting contact with your MIL but her funeral isn't about your issues with her, it's about supporting your DH. If DP hadn't been at my mum's funeral to make a point or because of his own issues I would have been devastated and felt very unsupported. I think you need to go to the funeral for your DH, nothing else, but you should be there with him.

MrsBobDylan · 10/08/2017 07:41

Not going would hurt your dh too much, you must go. Mils funeral won't be about the relationship you had with her, it will be about dh, his entire childhood, his relationship with her for the last five years, his hurt and pain that he didn't have a loving and supportive mother.

humblesims · 10/08/2017 07:42

I dont think you are being selfish, I think you are trying to be honest and not a hypocrite but I also agree with other posters that this is not about you or, really, your MIL; its about supporting your DH. I would go for him.

AztecHero · 10/08/2017 07:48

Does your husband want you there? If he does then I would say you need to be there.Go by his wants.

2pandasandapig · 10/08/2017 07:48

One of my relatives didn't attend her husbands mothers funeral as they'd never got on, the sight of him alone while all the rest of the family had their partners to support them was incredibly sad. No one really knew how to support him like his wife would of done and tbh it changed the way I look at her. It's not about the person who died it's about the living left behind.

PurpleWithRed · 10/08/2017 07:49

"my husband genuinely is my priority, I hate to feel like I'm letting him down."

So don't let him down, go and hold his hand. Not going is putting yourself first.

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