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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil very unwell

67 replies

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 02:04

Long time lurker first time poster, without being too outing we have had no contact with mil since fils death five years ago, my father in law was a wonderful man separated from mil, she had always been a vindictive nasty woman but she is my husbands mother so I persevered, she hated me but was always careful never to be caught in her nastiness, my husband is one of 6 siblings, she has never in all the years ive known her been talking to all her children at any given time, there was always at least one son on the outside, because of the split in the family after they separated my Fil and some of his sons were not in contract, long story short fils funeral was a horrible experience, I'd been tolerating mil until this, but on the day my husband heard all the horrible things she was saying about me and our children, I would never have brought them up but she seemed to loose control of herself and was caught, my AIBU, he hasn't spoken to her since but now she is very unwell, I'm very black and white, I feel I went above and beyond for many years, I had her for Christmas and such, I'm not a hypocrite, I don't attend funerals of people I don't speak to, but I adore my husband, I've told him she's his mother and he must do what his heart tells him I won't have any issue with him seeing her and never have but I'm not getting involved, i will always be there for him but I cannot stand in mourning, AIBU

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 10/08/2017 07:53

I feel terrible about this but I cannot in good conscience attend this funeral, I don't speak to her

Then your conscience is faulty.

You don't attend to a funeral to signal your approval of the deceased.

In this particular scenario, you have a very clear mandate. You would be going to support your husband, who will have lost his mother. And no matter what her personal failings may or may not have been, she was the only mother he will ever have.

This isn't about you, what you thought of your MiL or whether you were on speaking terms.

I imagine you would make yourself, your husband and probably the state of your marriage an object of gossip if you don't attend.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/08/2017 07:56

Go and support your husband. It's not like you'll be asked to give the eulogy.

DancingLedge · 10/08/2017 07:58

Sometimes a bit of what could be labelled as hypocrisy is by far the best option.
When one of my PIL, whom I am quite close to, dies, the survivor will insist on a very religious funeral, in a religion that I thoroughly reject. Will I go? Of course, it would be cruel to do otherwise. Will I feel uncomfortable? Possibly, but that's really not the point. I will want to support the widow/widower.And the rest of the family.

MrTrebus · 10/08/2017 07:59

YABVU this is not about you OP. Repeat. It is not about you. Go to the funeral ffs.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 10/08/2017 08:01

you are caught up in your dislike of your MIL. You're loyalty lies with your DH. If it were me, I wouldn't be best part pleased with my spouse sitting outside whilst I needed their emotional support.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead, they aren't here any more.

So put the piety down and do what your husband needs to be done.

PandorasXbox · 10/08/2017 08:02

MIL won't know if you're there or not. If your husband could do with some support ( and who doesn't when it's a parents funeral ) then if you love him like you say you do go with him.

Wishfulmakeupping · 10/08/2017 08:04

Honestly didn't think you'd get such a response op- I'm more sympathetic to you as I'm in same position I'm nc with my mil so not sure me going would be appropriate when the timer comes especially as sil would lose her mind if I did actually go.
Bottom line if it would help your Dh having you there then you should go. I do feel for you op if like me you've always hoped somehow it would be resolved in the end.

StatueInTheSky · 10/08/2017 08:04

totally not about you...you should go and support your dh if that is what he wants.

and if anyone is hardfaced enough to say anything to you about your presence when you were estranged then you can look them up and down and say loud and clear "I am here to support my husband, NOT that it is any of your business"

Notevilstepmother · 10/08/2017 08:06

Go to the funeral, not for her, but for him. It doesn't matter what you think, his mother is dying, and if you love him you need to do what is best for him. Would you really let her win by sending him to a funeral alone? It's your bad behaviour everyone will remember if you do that, not hers. It's not like you will have to speak to her is it?!

thethoughtfox · 10/08/2017 08:07

The funeral would have nothing to do with you and your feelings about the deceased. It's about being there to support your husband. There's nothing hypocritical about that.

RockyBird · 10/08/2017 08:07

My MIL and I didn't get on but it wouldn't have occurred to me to not go to her funeral or visit her in hospital beforehand. I was supporting DH and FIL and also cheering up mil a little by bringing her baby grandchild to see her.

Any bad feeling we had towards each other went out the window when she became very poorly.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/08/2017 08:09

I would go.

I don't see going to her funeral as being their for her at all but entirely for him.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 10/08/2017 08:09

There !!!

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 10/08/2017 08:12

Don't let this poisonous old bag come between you and your husband one last time.

SurferRona · 10/08/2017 08:15

Yes YABU. You should go to the funeral and support your husband and family. As PP said they are for those who are left behind. This will be the last thing you will be called on in regards to your MIL and it is eminently doable. I'm left wondering if your 'black and white' approach to this is the sort of thing your MIL may have done- generally in life almost all is shades of grey!
(And blimey but your OP could give Thomas Mann a run for his money!)

Monsterpage · 10/08/2017 08:18

Get over yourself and think about your husband. He needs you and will need you at the funeral. By his side. Put your feelings to one side and support him during the funeral by being by his side, squeezing his hand, giving him a hug when he needs it.
If only wants a lift to and from the funeral he can book a cab.
If people start eulogising about his mother to you excuse yourself or say to them you never saw eye to eye but you're here for your husband.
Being sad and alone (even for a brief period such as the duration of a funeral) is something that stays with you for a long time - don't let your MIL drive a wedge between you and your husband even when she is dead.

altiara · 10/08/2017 08:19

I would go and support DH.

peachgreen · 10/08/2017 08:21

I would give anything to have been there to support DH at his mother's funeral, despite never having met his mum (she passed away before he and I met). YABVU and selfish, putting your personal principles ahead of your DH's feelings and taking a moral stand over supporting him.

Ilovejonahhill · 10/08/2017 08:28

I have a terrible relationship with my MIL, but there is absolutely no way that I wouldn't be there to support him, regardless of how I feel about her.

Your husband needs you to support, understand & love him at a difficult time for him.

It's a few hours out of your life, but those hours your husband will remember forever.

jenm87 · 10/08/2017 08:36

i understand where you are coming from!! we havent spoke to my MIL in 6 years and if she was ill i would never attend her funeral, one reason being i wouldnt believe it if she passed away, she puts notes through our door saying her mother is ill and doesnt have long left but she does not realise the person in the care home looking after her mother knows us and we know shes ok and not at that stage yet, also we can call the care home anyway if we wanted too, the family said my daughter was nothing to do with them so thats fine dont expect us to be there, my partner has always had the chance to speak to his family but he didnt want too, his brother has posted nasty lies over fb about me, his mum called the police saying we broke in to her house etc the police laughed as we didnt break in we used a door key she gave us to get his stuff out her house! they only reason i would attend her funeral was to make sure she was gone and i know thats terrible to say that but after everything she has done i couldnt go to pretend to grieve for the woman who has angered me so much the past 15 years!! my partner probably wouldnt go either (there is so much more to my story like his mum hitting my daughter when she was 2 years old and leaving a handprint on her bum!!) speak to your husband and see if he wants you there

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/08/2017 08:37

Please stand beside your DH, at his time of need.
Imagine yourself standing in his shoes, you would ache, for his support.
You know what you have to do.

Buck3t · 10/08/2017 08:38

This is a topic my sister and I don't see eye to eye on. There are certain people whose funeral I'll go to SGM (even though she hates me, sorry was jealous of my DM and took it out on me). My mum's cousin that went around calling me a liar when her son assaulted me - not likely.

My dsis wouldn't go to the one she is NC with. To her it is hypocritical. She's right and so am I. You are not unreasonable, you feel as though you did enough and put up with lots over the years why must you still make the sacrifice now? Only you can answer that. If I were in your place I'd go to the funeral but don't get roped in to helping. I'd support my DH by taking his hand when he needed it.

smu06set · 10/08/2017 08:40

Go to the funeral. You aren't going for your MIL, you are going for your husband.

heliumrising · 10/08/2017 08:41

Of course your reasoning is affected by your feelings, but reverse the situation for a moment and see that it is not about MIL but about DH and you how you support him, or do not, as your emotions are telling you.

A funeral can act as drawing a line under a chapter in your life, try to look on it in that way - as a cathartic step for you as well.

sonjadog · 10/08/2017 08:42

There are many reasons to go to s funeral. People go to mourn the deceased but just as many, if not more, go to support the family and those close to the deceased. You are assuming that only those who loved the person go, and that is wrong. You go to support your husband.

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