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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil very unwell

67 replies

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 02:04

Long time lurker first time poster, without being too outing we have had no contact with mil since fils death five years ago, my father in law was a wonderful man separated from mil, she had always been a vindictive nasty woman but she is my husbands mother so I persevered, she hated me but was always careful never to be caught in her nastiness, my husband is one of 6 siblings, she has never in all the years ive known her been talking to all her children at any given time, there was always at least one son on the outside, because of the split in the family after they separated my Fil and some of his sons were not in contract, long story short fils funeral was a horrible experience, I'd been tolerating mil until this, but on the day my husband heard all the horrible things she was saying about me and our children, I would never have brought them up but she seemed to loose control of herself and was caught, my AIBU, he hasn't spoken to her since but now she is very unwell, I'm very black and white, I feel I went above and beyond for many years, I had her for Christmas and such, I'm not a hypocrite, I don't attend funerals of people I don't speak to, but I adore my husband, I've told him she's his mother and he must do what his heart tells him I won't have any issue with him seeing her and never have but I'm not getting involved, i will always be there for him but I cannot stand in mourning, AIBU

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrmojorising71 · 10/08/2017 08:42

Thank you all for your replies, you've given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:

Welshwabbit · 10/08/2017 08:43

It is not hypocritical to go to the funeral of someone you disliked to support your husband. I have been to the funerals of people I hardly knew to support their partners. As everyone has said, funerals are about those who are left behind, not the person who has died. You are not signalling your approval of your MIL's life by attending.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 10/08/2017 08:45

I think it's ok to attend to support your husband. Everyone will understand I'm sure

FanwankTheAbsurd · 10/08/2017 08:46

I couldn't stand my mil, and she felt the same about me. I can't stand any of that family (except dh of course). When mil died dh went to the funeral and dd and I went with him. To support him. Only him.

It really doesn't matter what other people might think about you going, your dh will know that you are only there to support him, and he will appreciate that. I think you should have a good long hard think about what you think you will achieve by leaving him to go on his own.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/08/2017 08:52

would it help to think of it like this?

Which matters more, your hate for her or your love for your husband? If you focus the question in terms of your husband, that might help you be there without feeling like you've got a slow-release bladder of acid in your mouth.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/08/2017 08:58

Will your dh see his dm before she dies? That might be a good idea before she dies.
I always think when a parent dies you are remembering when you were young and they were your whole world. The bit inbetween moves into the shadows. So maybe think of this woman when your ds was a little boy and his dm was the centre of his life and mourn for that.
Its important for your own dc too. They may long remember you didnt accompany tbeir dad to his mothers funeral.

BertrandRussell · 10/08/2017 08:58

Of course you must go. Utterly absurd to talk about "hypocrisy".

It would be hypocritical to pretend to grieve. Which, presumably, you won't do.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 10/08/2017 09:02

Seriously you need to go and support your husband. The hurt and fall out from this could massive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/08/2017 09:05

My mother is awful to me. So is my brother. Both have denied my disability for years because they weren't prepared to believe to my diagnosis. Despite telling my mother several times I was diagnosed by a private doctor, she chose not to believe me until I posted her a copy of it last week. And she acted like it was a revelation. Pathetic. But still continued to argue with me.

Three weeks ago, we buried my stepfathers ashes. My brother ended up driving his car away with me leaning on it, unable to move as I had ran out of energy. So I fell to the ground. He still thinks I was making it up for attention and mother and brother had a nasty discussion about me after it happened. Both deny it was abuse and it is just a case of sibling rivalry. I feel incredibly vulnerable. Frightened of him perhaps hospitalising me one day. So I MUST stay away from him. I assume I will go to my mother's funeral one day and it will be with a body guard.

I have a very difficult relationship with mother and brother. Love/hate both. But it is a biological love. Now NC with brother. I went stepdads funeral and supported my mother. The day was about her. I kept my composure while my brothers wife acted atrociously and then both dumped their 6 yr old child on disabled me and the grieving widow to go down the pub.

I went to the burial of the ashes because I wanted to be there. I have done my bit. My mother and brother can FOTTFSOF. She has now been told to stay away, which didn't go down well.

If your dh is going, your place is by his side. There is no other place for you to be. Your feelings toward mil are irrelevant.

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/08/2017 09:06

I would go if I were you. Most people will know that you're probably not sorry she's dead, but it is proper to show your face and support your partner.

Incidentally, I found the phrase 'That is very kind of you, thank you' very helpful when people who didn't know me offered sympathy during my mum's funeral. It took the focus off what they were saying (i.e. your mum was so lovely - not in my experience mate) and instead focused on the kind motivation for their words. The actual WORDS were like knives in the gut, but at least they meant well IYSWIM

Maybe use the above phrase of anyone says 'Sorry for your loss' to you, and add on a mention that it's poor DH you feel for, he is very upset etc. They will get the message that you're not so bothered yourself without you actually having to say so.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/08/2017 09:15

I understand exactly how you feel. My Ex's mother was evil (but so was his Dad). Likewise there were several boys & she was continually trying to break all of their marriages up. Despite them being in their 30's, she just wanted them all to be 'her boys' & move home.

Anyway, she actually died after we split up, but I definitely would have gone with him to her funeral had we been together because I loved HIM. It wouldn't have been about her at all. It would have been about standing next to HIM, supporting HIM through one of the hardest things a person will go through in their life. I probably would have cried too, for all she put him through, for how she hurt him, for how utterly conflicted he would have been.

I would have even gone with him after we split up because I still loved him, but it was too complicated.

I'd suggest that if you don't go with him, it will only be your DH you will hurt, it won't help you and it won't make a point to anyone else either, except that you weren't there to support your DH.

I do understand how you feel, I really do, but maybe you're focussing on the wrong person here (her) and not the one who actually matters (DH).

Nanny0gg · 10/08/2017 09:21

Go to the funeral.

You don't have to mourn, you just stand there next to your DH.

CaptainHammer · 10/08/2017 09:23

Yabu. I do get where you're coming from but go for your husband not for her.

AztecHero · 10/08/2017 09:28

Also..... just to maybe be aware. I have not experienced this myself, but wacthed my mother experience it. She had an abusive and highly toxic mother. she used to say that when her mother died it wouldprobably be a relief and she would feel released.(It was seriously that bad).But, when her mother did die, my mother found it very difficult to cope with....I think the fact everything was 'over' yet with no chance of her receiving any explanation for her mother's behaviour; any chance for any reconciliation etc really made the bereavement really hard for my mother for years. In relaity, there never WOULD have been an explanation or a reconciliation, but the death meant there was also no chance of it either.

So, even though my mother detested her mother, the death threw up really painful times and feelings which took her decades to get over.

I only say this because when the inevitable does happen, your DH may feel very conflicted, hurt, angry, regretful etc. His grieving may seem inexplicable, but it will be real.

AztecHero · 10/08/2017 09:29

sorry for typos- fat fingers.

Outlookmainlyfair · 10/08/2017 09:42

Agreed with PPs. She is dead so you are not going for her. Don't let her get between you and your DH again. Good luck!

ButchyRestingFace · 10/08/2017 09:52

Agreed with PPs. She is dead so you are not going for her.

Well, she's not dead yet according to thread title.

She may stage a miraculous recovery and the whole dilemma become moot.

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