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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think step-parebts get a rough deal on MN!

65 replies

girlie123 · 09/08/2017 16:34

Just that really...

Whenever step-parebts put something on here about their step-choldren, my god are they put in their place!!

We are supposed to care for them, do stuff for them, but stuff for them like we do our own children. However, We must have no say in what they do, how they do it, have an opinion on how many times they sleep over etc, and heaven forbid if we ever attempt to tell them off or plan something for them!

OP posts:

Original poster

girlie123 · 09/08/2017 16:34

Parents sorry - blooming autocorrect and fat fingers!

OP posts:

sweetbitter · 09/08/2017 16:39

I don't think there's much to be gained by making generalisations about anything to do with stepparents/children, everyone is coming at it from different angles with their own experience clouding things. Every step/blended family situation has so many variables.

I think it's best to stick to specific cases rather than generalise about stepparents as a whole group being given a rough ride or not.

Out2pasture · 09/08/2017 16:44

Try being a MIL....MN treats snakes better than that group

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 16:45

MIL, Step-parents, Step-Grandparents, all get a raw deal.

HurryUpAndWait · 09/08/2017 16:48

Being a step-parent is tough. Asking a question on AIBU is too.

Put them both togethe rand you'd better have bloody thick-skin!

I (as the latter) think fostering and step-partenting are similar in many ways and you can become an amazing parent or a failure from hell. You don't seem to be allowed to occupy the middle ground which most biological parents fit into (I'm one of those as well).

HurryUpAndWait · 09/08/2017 16:49

Unclear post above - I foster and have 2 biological sons

CoughLaughFart · 09/08/2017 16:50

I don't think it's that simple. I can think of two busy threads here recently started by stepmums who got a lot of praise. I've also seen step parents get a hard time because they're behaving like massive twats, regardless of their relationship to the child they're posting about.

Original poster

girlie123 · 09/08/2017 16:51

Sorry ladies, I'm really not trying to start any arguments - I've seen a lot of posts on here recently from step parents and, personally, feel they've been given a bit of a rough deal.

I can only generalise from What I've read as I don't know their personal situations!

OP posts:

araiwa · 09/08/2017 16:53

Mil, stepparents, other mums, other children, men all take an absolute bashing

Good job theres the perfect citizens of mn to balance out all the shithousery of the above mentioned groups

Nettletheelf · 09/08/2017 16:54

My first ever MN post was a quite moderate question about coping with my teenage stepchildren. In Relationships, not even in AIBU.

I got slaughtered. Accused of being "the other woman who had broken up their parents' marriage" (I wasn't). Told that I had made my bed and I should lie on it. Instructed to put up with everything and anything, and shut up about it because the kids' needs were paramount.

It was awful! Kind people had to intervene to say, "lay off, she's had enough" as if interrupting a fist fight!

I suspected some 'transference' at the time from some posters whose relationships had broken up and were suspicious of any stepmother, since we represent an unknown quantity who might one day have care of their children, and do it differently to them. That was only my interpretation of the flood of spite though...I might be wrong!

Brittbugs80 · 09/08/2017 16:55

Step parenting is tough without putting it on here and getting yourself a new one ripped!

From what I understand the following is acceptable.

Stepdad. Must get involved with child, must not treat child differently, must pull weight when it comes to care of child.

Stepmum. Must not replace Mom, must treat child equally, but if DH/DP asks you to look after child you must LTB as it's not your responsibility..

Dad's, MILs and step parents are not liked very much, at least that's how it comes across!

It's an entertaining mix of double standards on aibu.

Peanutbutterrules · 09/08/2017 16:56

I agree. I would never post here about being a step parent as there's too much hostility and unreasonable expectations. 'Treat them like your own children when it's money, stay away when its anything else'. Argh.

DeannaTroika · 09/08/2017 16:56

Not this shit again. Step parent posts on aibu and gets told that they are being unreasonable, for the sole reason that they are in fact being unreasonable.
Every fucking time they (and any other SM passing by) starts whining "oh you're only saying this because I'm a step parent, you just hate us all".

It's pathetic.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 16:57

I see a lot of accusations of step parents getting a hard time, usually from other step parents who just want to show their support who whom the forum disagreed with so they want to get a dig in.

Plenty of step parents get support, and those threads go unremarked. Where they don't get support is when they don't want the kid around, don't want the kid to be put first, resent the kid, think the father shouldn't be paying for the kid, think the father should spend more time with their kid than the exs, doesn't want them to have a bedroom, come on holiday, don't like their behavuour and think their kid is better, that sort of thing. If someone posts the same sort of stuff about their own kids they get the exact same reaction.

The threads where it kicks off, in my experience ate always, without fail, when the step parent is behaving terribly towards the child.

MinesaBottle · 09/08/2017 17:02

I did ask advice once about dsd asking us for a new car - despite 99% of responses being v helpful and my outlining the very good relationship I've always had with my stepchildren (and their mum, who split from their dad long before we met) I still got a couple of people accusing me of wanting to stop DH having any kind of relationship with DSD, being selfish etc. But only a couple, and other posters jumped on them. By the way, we did get her the car, she still has it and loves it . And I'm matron of honor at her upcoming wedding which I'm so honored at.

TBH I think some people project their baggage into others which is easy to do especially if you're still angry.

SpartacusSaiman · 09/08/2017 17:03

Personally, the only step parents i see getting a roasting are the ones being unreasonable.

Like one recently who fell out with her step son and (by her own admittance) behaved really badly herself. She would not sort it or apologise until he did first. Despite being the adult. The list of crimes the step son had committed were totally normal non events for any teen.

Plenty of step parents post and dont get roastings. I dont think people should avoid giving an opinion, because the Op is a step parent.

Tbh the 'you are only saying that because its a step parent' feels like a way of shutting down people who disagree with the Op.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 09/08/2017 17:34

No, I think that's often repeated but is bollocks.

I don't have a horse in this race - I'm not a parent or a step-parent, had no step-parents and no negative experiences with blended families.

I'm about as objective as you can get, and I see step-parents on here being treated according to their posts. If they post reasonable things, they get fair treatment and good advice on the whole. If they post unreasonable things, they get the usual YABU treatment.

I hate that this line is trotted out so often on MN because it enables unreasonable step-parents to tell themselves they're not really unreasonable and are being subjected to bias.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 09/08/2017 17:41

MinesaBottle You get that with ANY aibu - people going completely against the grain, even when it's nearly unanimous. This is not restricted in any way to stepparent threads.

Sandsnake · 09/08/2017 17:51

I agree. I'm completely neutral on the issue but have been struck several times on here by the hard time step-parents seem to get.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 17:53

Agree. I have only ever seen people get their arse handed to them when they are behaving badly, without fail. However on every single thread there is always a couple of folks who say " well I agree with you op" . It doesn't make any difference if you're a man, woman, biological parent, step parent or not a parent.

The only difference is on the step parent threads those folks say " it's because your a step parent". Eh no it's not, it's because your being an arse.

Lucysky2017 · 09/08/2017 17:54

In my view heaps of men start second families when they could only afford the first family which is morally very wrong indeed. They either leave the tax payer to support the first family (i./e, me and others who work full time) or else they leave the first wife to do so. They should not be having the second family at all.

Secondly I would avoid dating a man with young children - why court the hassle. Also I have deliberately not moved a man in here since my divorce as it's not fair on the children.

However plenty of step mothers work full time, earn more than their husband, help pay his children's school fees even - it is not just new younger woman providing sex in return for being kept. These step mothers can be quite high earners and the first children then find here is someone who will fund my school fees, mym university costs, my first property. Let us not assume all these step mothers are just a financial drag and only useful as sex objects and house cleaners!

IdoHaveAName · 09/08/2017 17:54

The thing is that they don't love or care for their step-children as they would their own. It's that simple. Everyone can see through their supposed 'concern'. Most of the threads just don't ring true and people can see it.

Mumof56 · 09/08/2017 17:58

Being a step parent is very difficult I'd imagine. Sinking your time and money in to someone else's children and limiting your life to be "child friendly". Not only do you have to take on someone else's children, you have to take on their ex partner (If they are alive).

PutItOnYourPancake · 09/08/2017 17:58

Every situation is different, of course, but in general, I totally agree. SParents on MN are really dehumanised. Contrary to a PP's opinion, they are definitely NOT all being unreasonable and there definitely ARE some 'baggage-laden' responses from posters here who have either never been in the situation or have been and apply their own difficult feelings to the poster's dilemma. SParents are not second class citizens in their families but are very often treated as such on here.

brightlightceiling · 09/08/2017 18:02

What does my head in is when the stepkids come over to visit dad but dad isn't even there the whole weekend and stepmum should give her life up to provide free childcare even when she has other obligations or a job because she knew that he had children. I'm all for stepmums spending time with the kids but they shouldn't be used when dad doesn't do his bit.

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